Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueelectron9 (48), Grunty1967b (2014), highflight (42), jocks44 (54), kitm1 (47), Porrick (44)
Who's Online
3 registered (OKIE MIKE, 2 invisible), 22 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63415 Topics
443368 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#229409 - 06/07/08 12:39 AM What must she think of me?
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
I'm really sorry about yet another topic, and wasting everyone's time even more, ---- this is one of those proverbial long nights I think.

the first year of my degree was one of the best times ever. i thought I'd completely recovered from my abuse, everything was new, new people to meet, new work to do, new life.

when I got to my colidge, i was (like most people), assigned a colidge tutor who basically acts as mentor to new students.

there were four other people in my tutor group, a boy nd two girls. the bloke was interested in football and real ale and sch, and I only ever met him once. the two girls though, ---- well we just clicked.

One of them is my russian friend, who i stil know, who I've told about my abuse, who's basically as close as a sister.

the other was an American girl who was just finishing her degree in physics, and had come to England on exchange.

the three of us just totally clicked. We spent lots of time together, met up in eachother's rooms for drinks or random all night discussion sessions, ----- even met up for all meals.

Of course, at the end of the year, my American friend went back to the states. We stayed in contact for a few months by E-mail, but a laptop crash removed her address, and so we lost touch.

I've been thinking about my first year a lot recently, ---- to be honest feeling quite nostalgic, sinse it was a time when i was really hopeful, looking forward, and good things were happening.

After an extensive google search, and trying several E-mail addresses, I've located my american friend.

It turns out the reason she was so hard to find is that she's sinse married so her name and contact details changed.

I've sent her an E-mail, ---- I hope she remembers me.

The problem? I'm now thinking "What will she think of what I've become"

I've read her blogs, she's doing fantastically well in a searious research post, running marathons, not to mention being married, and look where I am.

Everytime I think of the contrast i burst into tears, what have I become. what will my friend think?

what has happened to me? where did I go wrong!

Heck, there's even stil a picture of me on her website about her year abroad, ---- a picture I remember her taking.

what will she think of what I've become now?



Edited by dark empathy (06/07/08 12:43 AM)

Top
#229414 - 06/07/08 01:13 AM Re: What must she think of me? [Re: dark empathy]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I think that, if she was a friend then, she will still be a friend now. True friends are not only friends when we are having success, or in a 'good place' in our lives. I think it is often easy of us, to fear what 'normal' people will think of us, and also to think that they have not problems of their own in their lifes, because it seem they have such easy time, and such energy and success. But really, everyone have their own trials and issues, and I think if you was to talk with her, if she truly is such a good person, she will understand that, and will recognize you as more equal to her then you suspect yourself to be. Because both of you is good people who are doing best they can right now. At some point, you will be in a better 'place' in your life then you are now, and someone else will be looking at you as having it all 'well together'. I am sure you would be quite good to that person, and I will hope that this person will be quite good to you.

andrei


Top
#229606 - 06/07/08 11:13 PM Re: What must she think of me? [Re: ak]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Luke,

Please don't judge yourself and anticipate that she will be as critical of you as you are. We are always our own worst enemies in this respect. Others have no trouble with the idea that people move forward in their lives in their own way and pace and according to their own needs and aspirations. I am sure her reaction will be joy that she is back in touch.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#229646 - 06/08/08 04:12 AM Re: What must she think of me? [Re: roadrunner]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1961
Luke,

What Andrei and Larry said, without question.

My freshman year in college was special to me as well. It was a year where I was able to be 1000 miles (not as the crow flies, but as the car drives) away from all the garbage that had made up my life through high-school, and it was before I recovered my memories of everything. So although in retrospect there was some naivety to it all, I was in a happy place and was really feeling good about things. That changed once the floodgates opened up, but that is anther story. So much what you say here sounds familiar to me. I went through the whole same shame thing about where I was at, and about how I had come undone the way I did. It has just been in the last couple years where things have really improved in a lot of ways for me (I really started to reach out again and deal harder than ever with my issues almost three years ago). Anyway, from what I can interpret, it sounds like you are still a pretty young guy, and some times things happen at their own pace. In my twenties and early thirties, I beat myself up about where I was at. In some ways it kept me trapped. But you know what, if your friend has that picture up on her website, I am sure that year was special for her as well and I don't think she will care all that much about wherever you are "at", but would just be more glad to hear from you.

Eric


Top
#229761 - 06/08/08 07:41 PM Re: What must she think of me? [Re: ericc]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
thanks guys. well, we've exchanged five pretty long E-mails in the space of 24 hours, which with time differences betwene the Uk and the states seems quite a bit.

sinse she's fairly well into poetry, I've sent her some of mine, ---- which she apparently liked, and sinse I mentioned doing my Phd part time she's actually asked me what's wrong, but as I've already done the confession thing today I'd rather not start again, ----- especially with a really close friend I haven't spoken to in five years.

the other day, someone actually said I was a total perfectionist and hyper crytical of myself. I can enjoy experiences, but actually seeing them aa achievements or something valuable is really hard for me to do, and I should try and work on that.

Eric, I'm 25, and I'm glad some of this is sounding familiar.

I keep thinking "what's happened to me" "where have I gone" "how did that undergrad who had so much fun and all those friends go.

Even more disturbingly, I've been thinking that I've got too old, that I've missed out on life and oppertunities, ----- especially in terms of love and relationships, ---- particularly as the closest anyone has ever wished to get to me was during my abuse.

I know this isn't a logical or good thing to think, but looking forward has become increasingly difficult. It actually sounds as if you were in a very similar point to this Eric, ----- what did you do?


Top
#229762 - 06/08/08 07:55 PM Re: What must she think of me? [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Luke,

Don't be so hard on yourself. I was still lost in heroin and alcohol at your age and I didn't finish my Ph.D. until I was 32. I met my wife when I was 31. I felt like I had zero friends in grad school; that just reflects the huge difference in the intensity of such studies as opposed to the things we did in our undergraduate days.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#229810 - 06/09/08 01:28 AM Re: What must she think of me? [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
thanks Larry, this is something I need to look at working on.

Part of the problem (particularly in durham)k, is that there's actual segrigation of post grads and under grads, ----- and a lot of post grads seem to be a fairly dysmal and quite snobbish bunch of people.

Next academic year in october, I'm actually going to take, ----- or at least wander into the lectures of, an undergrad module, just because I get rather cut off and isolated from others, ----- particularly when I'm not involved in any productions etc, ----- another characteristic of being a post grad which isn't fun.

with now changing to part time for my Phd, I don't actually know when i'll be finished at all, ----- it's conceivable that it might take another four or six years, ------ though if I manage to speed up my output before then i can always switch back to full time if needed.


Top
#230247 - 06/11/08 12:25 AM Re: What must she think of me? [Re: dark empathy]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1961
Luke,

Yes it all sounds all too familiar. I did all the same thing; thought I had missed out on everything, did all the "what if?" thinking, you name it. Believe me, you are still very young and you will have plenty of opportunities that will present themselves to you. I used to not believe it when people told me the same thing. Yes, some opportunities are lost in life, but other doors do open. I am 36, and just starting to feel much more confident about myself and that I deserve good things in life.

What did I do? Well, more than anything I never gave up but kept up the battle to keep my head above water (not sure how sometimes, but I'm still here.) But in retrospect a lot of it was wasted struggle because I still kept everything inside and didn't know how to deal with things. When it was bad, it really sucked and it seemed like things were going nowhere. So let's skip past what didn't work, but what did. I'd say just keep opening up, even if some stuff is only to yourself (though do not keep it all inside; I guess I am really just saying to dig deep and learn about yourself). Let yourself feel, and don't be scared of your feelings. They are just feelings, and you can learn so much from them; no need to pass too much self judgement. Make mistakes; and then learn from them. Make small improvements in your life. Many small improvements add up; Rome was not built in a day. Maybe it is trying to figure what kind of dress you feel best in, or getting exercise and fresh air, or trying to eat healthy; try and explore different things and see what works for you - you will learn that throughout life you will be making adjustments. Since none of us can control the whole of the greater environment around us, take charge of the part you can. Make that space you call home comfortable and a happy place, somewhere you feel safe in. As far as others, well take chances to talk to people and socialize a bit even if it isn't that deep or anything. If you are like me and have anxiety issues to deal with, well hey a little panic now and then is nothing and doesn't mean a thing. In fact, if you start to pay attention to others around you, you will notice most people don't exactly have it all together or conversely many put up a good front. I don't mean that in a bad way, but only that we are all human and deep down we all have are fears and issues to a certain degree. It is comforting to realize that in a way, and for me makes me feel less alienated and isolated.

Anyway, I sort of just threw all this together, so take what seems helpful and ignore the rest. As someone who can relate at least on some level of what you are talking about, you really are still pretty young. Try not to waste too much time thinking about what you have missed (though it isn't bad to think and reflect), and better yet just keep trying to make things better for you. As things improve and you find what you value and enjoy in life, you may find that your situation in "the now" is good enough and you don't have too look back as often. I hope that helps.

Eric


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.