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#230025 - 06/10/08 06:50 AM The other side of the coin, and medication
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
Okay, I'm feeling pretty great today. I woke up, got writing done, really experienced music. last night I was in a performance, and that was fun. I was tired, but not bad way, in a really pleasant, warm ggood way, and this morning I'm feeling pretty good. I'm in real contact with my Us friend from years ago, who's being incredibly nice, I've just booked a cross country skeeing holiday, ---- something I did back in my first year, and absolutely loved, I've got work done, I'm not feeling burn out, all in all things seem pretty good.

So firstly, i wanted to share that with everyone. i know I've been guilty of dumping dysmal, dreary and depressed wrants on here, ---- you could say I've been in 3D ;D.

so that was the first thing.

the second though, is a suggestion my parents have made. My new counceler isn't working out as well as I'd have liked. In fact the first words he said to me were "so, i understand there are things I'm not supposed to say" which wasn't nice at all. I know that getting a relationship with a T takes time, and I certainly remember feeling the same thing about my first t, so I'm not going to storm off from this, but at the same time it's slightly irritating to go in to see my T on Friday morning feeling moderately awful, and leave feeling bloody awful!

As people here probably gathered, i spent Friday night and saturday morning in an absolute mess, and finally cried myself to sleep on saturday morning at 6.30, ----- only to wake up at about eight O.clock.

I made the mistake of telling my parents, who are now suggesting that I see someone about medication. This is a vaguely informed suggestion, sinse my dad was a psychiatric nurse before he retired.

My worry though is that as well as killing the really low periods, medication will also wipe out these good days. I love being creative, I love experiencing. I've just spent three years in a grey, low grade state, and my work has suffered, as well as my creative writing and ability to experience.

Now that I've found that again, ---- even if occasionally, i really don't want to lose it.

i'm also worried that meds will interfere with my own efforts to deal with things, ---- eg telling **** as I did on sunday, and the monster thread which I will be continuing (though not today, sinse I have to be on stage tonight and i know that writing a post in that thread will exhaust me totally).
I really need those good energetic days, like today, that's what all this is for.

Any suggestions? q`
My parents point out that if I weren't a student, and actually had a propper 9-5 job, there would indeed be days when i just couldn't go or get work done.

but in my actual work, my thesis and my creative writing I need those good days and that energy.

In fact thinking about it, the major difference betwene the good points of my life like my first year and now, is that I had lots more of that energy, ----- and on days like today, i begin to feel I might be starting to get that back.

I'm also worried about dependence. I don't want to be in a position where I collapse if i stop the meds. i want to get through this myself, be able to live with it, and go and do more fun things in my life, not constantly trying to stave off those bad feelings with medication.

I'm really sorry if anyone on meds finds this offensive or wrong, it's entirely possible that I'm completely missunderstanding the effects of medication entirely, ---- in which case, please correct me.

so, any thoughts?

to those who've tried meds and do they indeed interfere with the good stuff? would something slightly less strong be better? Or should I just continue as I am, sinse obviously with my experiencing more, things are progressings, ----- and today, i can say that!

Any thoughts would be appreciated.



Edited by dark empathy (06/10/08 09:03 AM)

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#230058 - 06/10/08 09:29 AM Re: The other side of the coin, and medication [Re: dark empathy]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
Your gonna get recommendations all across the board unfortunately, as meds effect everyone different. When I started meds, I was in such a rut, I could not make progress at all. The meds helped me get moving again. After a few months though, I found I couldn't write, couldn't identify what I was feeling, couldn't cry, couldn't get too happy etc. So after forgetting to take them for a few days, I decided to just give up taking them.

So, now I'm an emotional mess, Ups, Downs, all over the place. Truthfully, It's great! Biggest difference is, I'm not stuck in a rut like before. My feelings are all over, but I am processing my feelings. I can identify them easier, I can think about them and work through them. And I've found myself writing a bit and even have a desire to pick up learning an instrument again!


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#230289 - 06/11/08 08:36 AM Re: The other side of the coin, and medication *DELETED* [Re: JustScott]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#230296 - 06/11/08 09:24 AM Re: The other side of the coin, and medication [Re: awakening]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
There are many different meds, doses and problems they treat. I understand what you all are saying, but I just want to put it out there that many of us on on meds - various meds - various doses - and those meds allow normal functioning not "clouded thinking" or "dulled emotions".

Just want to put that out there - the message could read - "If you tried harder, you wouldn't have to hide behind the wonderful veil of medication" - There are many here where they are a necessity - let's make sure we don't make them feel like they are "cheating".

My two cents too.
Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#230297 - 06/11/08 09:32 AM Re: The other side of the coin, and medication [Re: awakening]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Luke,

I think this is a call we all have to make based on our own experience and what works for us. Personally speaking, I at first felt defeated when my doctor prescribed meds for depression. I was genuinely frightened at the prospect of returning to "drugs", and when I started taking them I felt like I was about a half inch off the floor all the time. But my doctor said this was normal and give the meds a chance. After a few weeks they seemed to kick in just right and began to help me. I was on a maximum dose and had to be monitored all the time, but they really did help.

I didn't feel that I was being numbed out or desensitized. The meds helped me to stay focused and prevented me from going into meltdown, and that in turn helped me in so many ways. I was able to commit to therapy and make progress, and I didn't feel that I was paying a heavy price in other areas. I was actually able to explore myself as a creative person, and some of the best songs I ever wrote came from that time.

That's my experience and yours may be very different. I would suggest giving the meds a chance and see how it goes. I'll just say I had no idea what a world of shit I was in until the meds showed me how different things could be. They didn't "drug" me; they restored me to a balanced emotional place where I could be me again.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#230489 - 06/12/08 01:51 AM Re: The other side of the coin, and medication [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks people. i know this is a highly individualistic area, and I would never want to make the wrong judgement about meds. Not only here, but I also have a couple of friends who are on medication for other issues, as a card carrying hedonist, I see no problem with meds at all in general.

My worry is on the personal level, sinse my writing, and work on my thesis is necessary and important to me, and being able to enjoy sensations of creation is thus far the best thing that's come out off all this recovery. despite going part time, despite not actually needing to work, i now have days when i really want to, ---- heck, yesterday I even went to a paper on moral rights, just for the heck of it, and as I sat and listend it was almost as iff my old gears were working again, sinse i could feel myself engaging with the arguements and creating my own thoughts, ---- and that feeling was fantastic! it reminded me whhy I started studdying philosophy in the first place, and today, i really want to pull my thesis out and get some writing done.

so, that's why i'm slightly worried about meds in my case.

also, tthere's a control and dependency thing. With alcohol, I always get to a point where I physically don't want anymore, ----- usually at the point where I just start to feel as if I might lose it, ---- when i start to become dizzy. that's why I've never had a hangover.

In my few experiments with Canabis, the same thing happened, I'd have so much, and then get to a set, cut off point.

What you describe about being half an inch off the floor sounds rather worrying to me to be perfectly honest.

My parents have made me an appointment to see someone. Luckily he's someone I know as well as being a doctor, so hopefully we can sort things out and he can make some recommendations that will help.

I suppose the other thought i'm having, is that this isn't the first time I experienced mood swings.

Back when I was 16-19, doing my A-levels, after the abuse had just finished, i had the same symptoms.

that was one reason i took so long doing my A-levels, because i had a year and a half where work was almost impossible.

I came out of that eventually, just in time for the first year of my degree, which was fairly fantastic, ---- that's why I'm now hoping the same thing will happen again.


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#230519 - 06/12/08 06:04 AM Re: The other side of the coin, and medication [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Luke,

That feeling of being half an inch off the floor faded within a week or so. All these meds take awhile to kick in and get you back to a regulated norm, and their actual medical function is not to numb you out or take you to some la-la land (which is what I feared). What the meds do is regulate the chemical balance in the brain to get you back to a more normal state of thinking, that is, to a condition that has been upset by trauma and stress.

I can also tell you that, in my experience at least, meds did not hamper my powers of original thinking, analysis or creativity. I published a book in French, wrote articles in English and German, and prepared and delivered class lectures in German, Arabic and English - all while I was on my meds for depression. Before the meds, on the other hand, I was almost too crushed by depression to leave the house.

I can also look at this from the other shore, as it were. My doctor began easing me off meds last July, and by Christmas I was done. I have been fine since then.

Or I think I have! Maybe you all would be the better judge of that! \:D

Just some thoughts.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#230668 - 06/13/08 01:30 AM Re: The other side of the coin, and medication [Re: roadrunner]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks larry, that's actually really good to here.

After two years of fairly grey numbness, when things just weren't working, it's great for me to get back to the old creative state, and it's good to know that other people have done really major work while on meds.

I know they regulate neurotransmitters, particularly seratonin, but my main worry is that in regulation everything will be flattened out. At the same time though, **** even thought I had clinical depression, which makes me think I should do something.

I have a friend with clinical depression, and she's deffinately very glad of her meds.

I'll probably just have to explain all this to said doctor and see what he can come up with.


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