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#229992 - 06/10/08 12:14 AM Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Sorry, I meant to post this before now but I didn't have time to write it until this evening.

Mom and I are on vacation in Calif. right now. We are here for my niece’s high school graduation. This is also where my abuses took place 30 years ago. Saturday morning mom told me that she wasn't enjoying herself and wanted me to take her home. She asked me if I was enjoying myself. I told her that I was. I was dreading the trip previously but I had come to accept it. Mom and I have issues on occasion and whenever we spend an extended period of time together we always have some moment where Mom can't stand how I treat her and eventually confronts me about it. This is what happened Saturday morning.

Now, please understand, I don’t treat my mom disrespectfully. In fact I put a tremendous amount of effort not to. I walk on egg shells around her so as not to offend her. The unfortunate side effect of this is that I am closed off to mom. I don’t talk to her much. This becomes problematic when we spend extended periods of time together.

Saturday morning Mom demanded to know what was going on with me. Why I didn't like being around her. I knew exactly what was on my mind and why, especially now, I was aloof with her. I didn't want to talk to her about it then. I wasn’t ready to. I wanted to consult with my T before disclosing to mom. But I was stuck. Mom confronted me and I had nothing to say. I clammed up. Mom walked off in disgust saying, "You see, you never have anything to say, I'm going to take a shower".

I was in desperate straights. What do I do? Damn it! I don't want to do this now. I am not ready to do this right now. I can hardly handle my own emotions. I can't deal with mom's emotions too now.

I had no choice. I had to disclose to mom.

When mom got back from the shower I told her that I had been dealing with CSA that had occurred 30 years ago. I had been in denial about it for all this time and I had accidently found myself beginning to deal with it for the first time 5 weeks ago.

My mom showed no reaction. Instead she had a number of cold questions. I don't remember exactly what they were. I just remember that I was beginning to feel rage at my mom for not showing any care or concern. I had not expected this kind of reaction. Then it happened. Mom burst into tears. She told me she suspected that I may have been SA'd. She even told me who she suspected…she was wrong though. Surprisingly, she only vaguely remembered Les, the kid across the street who was 4 years older than me. She was also relieved it wasn’t a family member. Hmm.

If she suspected it, why didn't she or dad ask me back then??? Instead mom asked me why I didn’t tell her when it was happening. I fumbled through an answer. She then reacted in anger at Les, wanting him to pay for what he had done to her son. I told her that I didn't have any anger for Les…at least not yet. I also told mom about the second occurrence of abuse when I was 16-17. For some reason she didn't show as much concern about that. Perhaps she was already too caught up into the shock of her confirmed suspicion. She asked if any of this was consensual. I was irritated by that question but answered her calmly saying, absolutely not, I hated it, all of it. I was traumatized by it horribly.

Finally she said, well at least now I know what's going on with you and I support you in your path of recovery. Mom asked if I would share with her the details of the therapy when I begin going. I told her I would share some of it, not all of it.

So there, it is done. Disclosure complete. It wasn't pretty, it wasn't when I wanted to do it but, none the less, it is done. I'm glad it is done.

_________________________
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#229994 - 06/10/08 12:46 AM Re: Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend [Re: Barkabus]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Excellent. Well done Mike, well done. Makes you totally on edge doesn't it? And the FEELING, that FEELING that nothing is going to be as it once was. It's VERY discomforting isn't it?

But...............Mike............You DID it. It had to be done, and you did it. No fanfare, no supporters behind you (physically) as you spoke to her, no. It was just you and her.

She finally knows. Mark this day down Mike. It's a new chapter in your life.


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#229996 - 06/10/08 12:53 AM Re: Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend [Re: Barkabus]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Barkabus,
Good for you for making the decision to disclose. There's much that's troubling about your mom's reaction too.
Sounds like you've got plenty to work on with your T.
I hope you'll do what's safe for you and within your boundaries.
Peace,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#230003 - 06/10/08 02:26 AM Re: Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend [Re: NWcats]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I am glad that you did it. I hope that your mom stays supportive. Why don't guys tell? There are lots of reasons mostly fear or fear of rejection, then it gets buried as you try to act normally. It sounds like she had suspected someone else, maybe even a family member.

I know well the walking on eggshells feeling. I have to do it with my mom too. You have my support if you need it. Let me know if I can be of any help. My door is always open.

Trucker Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#230007 - 06/10/08 02:57 AM Re: Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend [Re: Trucker51]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Hey Trucker Mark,

Quote:
It sounds like she had suspected someone else, maybe even a family member.


Interesting you picked up on that. I have a few very fragmented snapshot memories of early childhood that has me wondering if there is any earlier CSA. I will need to review that stuff with my T.

Thanks for your reply.

Mike

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#230011 - 06/10/08 04:06 AM Re: Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend [Re: Barkabus]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Mike:

I always try to completely read a post then go back and try to pick-up the important points later. I have an early memory when I was still in diapers when my grandmother got me to try coffee for the first time. Often early memories are only in little bits and pieces. I have fairly good memories from the age of 4 or 5, but before then is just a few fragments. My little sister had an issue with recovered memories. It seems that she had suppressed a lot of her memories before the age of 9 or 10.

I remember I tried to open-up to my dad once in a stressful situation but I wasn't ready to. I then tried to mail him a letter about my problems the next day. Sometime between 1972, when my mom beat me up for telling her that one of her church friends had molested me, and 1991, she began to worry what his reaction would be when he finally found out. She intercepted my letter and I thought for the next 2 & 1/2 years that my dad didn't care about it. It wasn't until 1993 when my mom opened her desk drawer and tossed my opened letter back at me that I found out what she had done. When my little sister came out at about the same time, about some other guys from the church, my mother believed her on her first try. That made me feel really low for another few years after that. My mom beat me up and refused to believe me, covered it up, and totally denied me my memories, for 22 years.

So anyway, glad to hear that it went as well as it did considering the stress of the situation. It used to be so much worse around my mom. Now that I'm much older the problem isn't as bad as it was. Hope that all is well.

Trucker Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#230153 - 06/10/08 04:31 PM Re: Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend [Re: Trucker51]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Mike,
I remember my disclosure to my mom. I felt like I had to tell her too. I was always having problems not going to College, not seeming to get my life together and I thought she was going to kick me out so that I would be forced to do get back on track. So I told her, I only intended to tell her that I had been abused but not who. She too suspected something was wrong. She was all angry at whoever did this to me but when she finally got it out of me that it was my brother, the next thing she did was say "You know its normal to experiment".

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#230159 - 06/10/08 05:02 PM Re: Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend [Re: onlyakid]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Mike,

I am glad for you that you did disclose to your mom. It is a start on your road. Might mention that as you deal with your csa, your repressed memories will probably resurface and many many memories will return through triggers. Your snapshot memories will come back as though is was yesterday.

I certainly can't guarantee this, but through my group and my repressed memories I think they will return for you also.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#230167 - 06/10/08 06:23 PM Re: Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend [Re: Barkabus]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hey mike, thanks for letting us know about this part of your recovery path. in my immediate instinct reaction upon reading your words, i thought to myself, 'prepare yourself that you are not blindsided by potential fallout'. because you disclosed, now your relationship with your mom is immutably changed, and likewise hers with you. and likewise she herself is immutably changed now having this knowledge. though unaware at this point in time, this information will sink down deep within her and rich cause her, in her own manner, to come to grips with the terrifying news that the son she thought she had, has been a different person all these years. if she thinks about it at all, she will have to struggle with her own feelings around the ramification of the abuse. in truth she must begin her own recovery process that is separate from yours, but conjoined with it. if she truly supports you in your recovery, obviously she will be a good partner with you, but in the event that she desires to continue on a path of denial (like 'ok, i admit there IS an elephant in the room, but we'll just pretend it's not there...), a whole lot of other frustrating feelings may emerge that will challenge what relationship you had/have.

i know you have your own very real pain to contend with, but i guess i am just saying all this so that you may be aware of other possibilities in the development of this next leg of your shared journey. i know too that you have to put concern for your own recovery first, but consider, in the event she fails to meet your hopes as a result of the disclosure, that she is unprepared and unskilled in finding the support that she is going to need for herself as she comes to terms with this news, and how it will resonate within her.

perhaps, if as you say, she 'suspected' the abuse, she may feel, even unknown to her, to be complicit in perpetrating the secret. it may dawn on her that as guardian of the secret, she sacrificed many years of greater intimacy with you. she may be unable to forgive herself, and that is where wider compassion for both yourself and her, must be allowed.

'if god brought you to it, he will see you thru it'

so, i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you, like two wounded soldiers limping, stumbling toward the port of safety, may be a true source of solace and healing for each other. and having said all that, take joy in the fact that you now have the potential for a marvelous partner in your own recovery process, and that is a true blessing, no less than one of recovery's 'little' miracles.

rich blessings on you both,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#230251 - 06/11/08 12:47 AM Re: Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend [Re: Sans Logos]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Thank you all for your support. As I stated above, this was not my timing. Its been good though. For one thing, ever since we arrived here last Wed. I've been wanting to take a trip to the location of the abuse but I didn't know how I could tell my mom why I wanted to go. My disclosure allowed me to tell my mom straight up. She was supportive of it. Had I not disclosed she would have likely felt slighted by me again, wanting to go off and do my own thing without her...again.

Ron, thank you for your insight. You have given me some things to think about and be ready for in case they come about.

Mike



Edited by Barkabus (06/11/08 12:48 AM)
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