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#229988 - 06/10/08 12:05 AM Returned to the Scene of the Crime
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
This morning I drove to the neighborhood where I lived while the first occurrence of SA happened to me when I was 10-13. It's about a 45 minutes drive from the campground where I am staying while on vacation in Calif. I don’t know when I'll be in this area again so it was the right time for me to return to the scene of the crime.

It is difficult to describe my feelings as I walked the streets of my old neighborhood. I wasn't overwhelmed. Rather, I felt little. Was I dissociating? I don't know. I had no new memories come back relating to the abuse. I did recall some pleasant childhood memories when looking at my old house. That was good.

I first walked a block from my old house to where I was attacked by Les and his friend…The attempted rape. I couldn't connect the experience to the location where it occurred. The field where it happened has long since been developed. I can only approximate where it happened.

I then walked back to my old house. I looked across the street at the house where the abuse took place. The house seemed out of place in the neighborhood. It looked dangerous, dark, and evil. It's a small, unappealing, uninviting house. There is a small front porch with a single chair on it. This house has an aura of evil surrounding it. As if bad things happen there. Well, I KNOW bad things did happen there to an innocent 10 year old boy 30 years ago. Though it had an aura of evil, I wasn't afraid. It no longer could hurt me. I was in control now. I have power now that I did not have then.

While there I declared in a prayer that I am released from the power of what happened here 30 years ago. I am no longer under the power and evil that was inflicted upon me. I am free! I felt liberated. I took some pictures with my cell phone. Then I left. I wasn’t there more than 15-20 minutes. I didn't need to stay there any longer. My work was finished here.

After I got back to the campground I copied the pictures from my phone to my notebook. When I reviewed the pictures on my notebook I had to close my eyes. I couldn't look at the pictures initially. It was too painful. Funny, I could be so bold and daring in person yet evade my eyes in pain when looking at the pictures I took just a few hours before.

Here is the house where the abuse took place when I was 10-13 years old.



_________________________
My Story

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#230062 - 06/10/08 09:42 AM Re: Returned to the Scene of the Crime [Re: Barkabus]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mike,

I think you sum it up when you say this:

Originally Posted By: Barkabus
Though it had an aura of evil, I wasn't afraid. It no longer could hurt me. I was in control now. I have power now that I did not have then.

When we go back to the scene I think what happens is that we see the huge difference between ourselves then and ourselves now. What we remember from a child's perspective we now see from the viewpoint of an adult - an adult who can take care of himself and keep himself safe. That shows us that while the memories can still bring us pain and grief, they don't own us.

Keep up the good work. I think you're really doing well.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#230121 - 06/10/08 01:27 PM Re: Returned to the Scene of the Crime [Re: roadrunner]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I'm glad that the house is still there and that you were able to go to it one last time. (maybe you'll come back to it again, but I have my doubts.) Interesting how most of us go back to these places alone isn't it? When I went back to my perp's old place, it was just an empty lot, (he lived in a trailer that has long since been moved and most likely trashed.) I just stood there with my arms folded. Staring. I just stared at the empty lot, thinking back to how old I was when I was spending time there. I was thinking about WHY I was spending time there. Lots of thoughts swirling around.

It's all part of the process. I'm glad you did it.


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#230125 - 06/10/08 02:07 PM Re: Returned to the Scene of the Crime [Re: Hauser]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Mike/Alan:

3 Summers ago I went back to my old neighborhood with a couple of my friends from my high school 30th reunion, to take a look at my folk's old house. That house was the scene of so much of my abuse between 1964 and 1976, save for the few Summer camp incidents during that time frame. My friends had better memories of the place than I did. They used to come over in the mid 1970s to hang around stoned and use the lake and the boat behind the house.

The house was still there. But the one next-door neighbor's house, which was newer, and the one next to it, were both gone. They had been scraped and replaced by a huge trophy house. My other next door neighbor's house, where I had been molested by my older neighbor in a tent in the side yard, was also still there. That caused more memories to come flooding back, as one of my friends announced that he had dated the guy's sister at one time.

So many memories, both good and bad, came flooding through my head seeing the place again. My friends were happy to see the place, but I was much more engrossed in thought. I hadn't seen the place in 20 years at that point. It sure took me back, seeing the place where so much had gone wrong. It was a helpful moment too, because it made me realize just how far I had come since I had left there in 1976.

Last Summer I took my wife there. I had wanted to show her my old neighborhood. Both my folk's house and the house of my old neighbor were gone, and another giant trophy house stood where they had been. It was sort of a closing-type event. Now all that I have are my memories and old photos, as the places have now all been changed. I will most likely never have a reason to return there again.

Just wanted to let both of you guys know that I care.

Trucker Mark



_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#230128 - 06/10/08 02:33 PM Re: Returned to the Scene of the Crime [Re: Trucker51]
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
I thought about the possibilities of ever going back to my old town. Maybe it would help me along? Maybe I might remember something? I know the trip from my house to his house like a map in my brain. What the houses along the way look like. But I have very few memories of him and I in the house. Why is that? I am afraid that all the memories will come out at one time and I will not be able to move. Just stuck in that small town forever.

Maybe one day I will do it.

Gregg


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#230135 - 06/10/08 03:15 PM Re: Returned to the Scene of the Crime [Re: tazrad]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Tazrad:

NW Ohio I know fairly well. Used to work out of Archbold in 1982, hauling meat for Dinner Bell, and I have hauled for Sauder too. Know the small Ohio town thing too. My folks lived in Chagrin Falls for many years after leaving Michigan. I used to tell people that Chagrin Falls was one of those towns where if your parents hadn't gone to school, there that you were considered to be someone new. I know that it took an awfully long time to get to know anyone there. It was like none of the long-established types trusted you.

While I do have some friends still there in that town in Ohio, it was a place that I so longed to escape from for so long. I went back last summer with my wife. The place hadn't changed at all, but none of the people knew me. I didn't see anyone that I had known from even 15 years ago. It seemed like most of them had moved on too. It was a closure-type of event for me.

I think that someday you will go back. Maybe you will find the support that you are looking for or maybe it will offer you the closure that last Summer's visits gave me. Have you tried the Classmates website? I found a lot of my former classamtes on that site, and went to my 30th reunion because of them.

Let me know if you want to talk more.

Trucker Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#230166 - 06/10/08 06:20 PM Re: Returned to the Scene of the Crime [Re: Trucker51]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
I don't think i will ever look at my house as an evil place, it is still the place i grew up in and had so many good times. Nothing can destroy that EVER.

I think i do understand some foreboding though, i still sleep in my same bed and sometimes i just don't want to go in it, but i'm safe now. Actually i've never exactly given it that much detailed thought, i've always thought of it as that place but then, but not as that place but now, as in this place (am i making sense to you?) and i wish i just hadn't because it's making me feel sick. Hmmm, ok, scrap what i previously said, i can see how i may come back and see my room as being an evil place, but not my house. Uh oh, i'm freaking myself out i should really be more careful.

ok, quick rewind, there is nothing wrong with my room it is a safe room now PLEASE let me get to sleep, grrr, i hate it when things creep up on me.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#230199 - 06/10/08 09:15 PM Re: Returned to the Scene of the Crime [Re: king tut]
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
I was talking to my wife about this eariler tonight. She said you took me to your house that you used to live in a few years ago. That got me thinking what I really want is to do is this. Travel the same walk to get to his house as I would when I was young. Try to feel something again.

I also would try just to walk around the same area to remember something more. It would feel good to have some good memories.

Gregg


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