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#229772 - 06/08/08 08:50 PM numb / afraid
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Last summer i witnessed my dog being hit by a truck therefore i am always triggered and imiidately flashback to that horrific day i will not soon forget.

However i live in a multiple apt com-plex and people speed through( speed limit is 15 mph) here all the time and i tell them as a result of my fear of witnessing a child or an animal being clipped and killed by an asshole to slow down,by the way the office does nothing to stop it or speak to tenants who live here.

Anyway i told ( the wrong person i guess) to "slow the fuck down" well needless to say he got out of his car and reached inside his shirt, i grabbed a stick to protect myself( who knows what i had or could have had ....we had words i continued to tell him "all i asked you is to slow down...." i dont give a fuck fat boy get back in your car or you'ree all mine" ,,...he said......well the long and short of it he got in my face and punched me and i now have a swollen eye...and i called the police,they took the report and files have been charged.

My feeling a rollercoaster of emotions is putting it mildly...rage,fear,sad,numb most of all...my fiancee ripped into me as a result of her fear( yet she tells me to press charges ...however i didn't fuckin need to be lecturted and i told you so....i fell apart and started crying and i want(ed) to find this coward,who by the way was old enough to be my father,and snap his neck.......anyway i am trying to get to my point....i feel like that little kid who never was able to use his voice and now i do and get punched in the eye afterall i know we dont live in a "normal" society granted.

I know i should not have said anything

i could have let it go and let this ass speed and let him deal with the consequenes of HIS BEHAVIOR.....

i didn't do this

my fiancee told me i could have been shot or stabbed lying in the ICU ...i can see her point

i was abused in every way imaginablev as a kid therefore i refuse to let anyone to walk on me or potentially hurt those i love yet the very person i love who i would do anything for gives, who i thought would support me, me a ration of shit and lecture me for what i did

for how i should have kept my mouth shut

how i should have did this

how i could have done that.........fuck that...anyway i am pissed with her and i know i cant unload on her because of my inability to "think" before i open(ed) my mouth .....i cant deal with how:

I felt

How i thought

How it feels to be so embarrased and looked upon like a little pussy

anyway i dont care about what happens to me and i could care less ...i am not going to stop being who i am and using my voice.


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#229801 - 06/09/08 12:01 AM Re: numb / afraid [Re: thecoopstah]
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
coop, I hear you
I always have to deal with my feelings from the past that compel me to take a stand and try to balance that with what would make good sense now - I think it is for me a question of finding a balance - I want to say I should be free of the past - but I am not. The feelings of wanting to rescue or to standup to something are always pushing at me from within. I do try to stop and breathe - give myself a chance to sort out the past from the present - sometimes it helps ....
Its like what I do when I need to deal with boundaries - my kid will try to push a button and get away with something - and I have to stop and think it out - since I don't have the ability to know what is a good boundary right off -
yeah, stopping helps

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#229803 - 06/09/08 12:18 AM Re: numb / afraid [Re: Thad]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
Quote:
i could have let it go and let this ass speed and let him deal with the consequenes of HIS BEHAVIOR.....


and if he had killed someone........ No I think you did the right thing. Yeah it caused trouble, but you have no way of knowing, so poor kid could be dead, but maybe is still alive tonight because you did say something. I think you did the right thing.

Quote:
therefore i refuse to let anyone to walk on me or potentially hurt those i love yet the very person i love who i would do anything for gives, who i thought would support me, me a ration of shit and lecture me for what i did

I think you've got a good perspective on things and your taking care of yourself. The one you love is trying to take care of the one she loves. She's looking at what could have happened to you, she's not thinking to the horrific possibility of things that might have taken place if you hadn't said something. My wife would be the same way. She just wants me safe at all costs.

Quote:
...i am not going to stop being who i am and using my voice.

Here here!!!


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#229807 - 06/09/08 12:55 AM Re: numb / afraid [Re: JustScott]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I agree with Justscott, you used your voice to help protect those around you and there is no way you could have known he was going to react that way. I personally think that what you did took alot of courage, so many people look back and say they wish they would have said something well the truth is you did and props for you. Your loved ones want to know that you are safe and unharmed so given the circumstances your wife is thinking of your well being rather than the possiblity of some jerk killing somebody. I commend you for standing up for what you believe in.

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#229843 - 06/09/08 11:31 AM . [Re: Letourski]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:49 PM)

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