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#229488 - 06/07/08 11:18 AM Do Men Find It Harder Than Woman To Cope With Rape
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
("Do Men Overall Find It More Difficult Than Women To Cope With
Rape") ?

Don't know if anyone every thought about this question.
Just the same I am in no way shape or form trying to detract or be insensitive to woman who are stigmatized by the trauma of rape.

Most of us here realize there is very limited resources available to male C.S.A. victims and male Adult victims; I really never thought about researching info on how woman cope with the aftermath of rape. I'm sure they struggle with many of the same issues we male rape victims do.

However; in an effort to understand my own painful issues I decided to purchase some books recommended by my therapist on how woman cope with rape. I only hope it helps...it certainly can't hurt. Woman will talk much more amongst themselves about rape than men will. Perhaps we men internalize it more because of masculinity issues and undisclosed fears.

Maybe I'm wrong in saying this but; it just ("seems") we get more paralyzed than woman do trying to cope.





Edited by jcf1957 (06/07/08 11:49 AM)
_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
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#229489 - 06/07/08 11:28 AM Re: Do Men Find Harder Than Woman To Cope With Rape ? [Re: jcf1957]
terpprm Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/15/07
Posts: 312
Loc: Elyria, Ohio
i think that woman do cope better. guys have a harder time, in my opinion, because it is "shameful" for us if you will. i know that me being straight, it is extremely hard for me. i don't mean to offend anybody by this, i in no way discriminate against gay people. i have many gay friends. but, men aren't meant to be "raped"...so it does hurt worse. that's just my opinion, and again, i am not discriminating against anyone in my comment.

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#229490 - 06/07/08 11:39 AM Re: Do Men Find Harder Than Woman To Cope With Rap [Re: terpprm]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Terpprm;

I support everything your saying. I'm straight too. Although often
I feel more like a neutered dog. I've have no sexual interest.
NOBODY...No human deserves to be raped in this forsaken primitive world.



Edited by jcf1957 (06/07/08 11:40 AM)
_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

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#229491 - 06/07/08 11:56 AM Re: Do Men Find Harder Than Woman To Cope With Rap [Re: jcf1957]
terpprm Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/15/07
Posts: 312
Loc: Elyria, Ohio
DUDE!!!! are you sure we aren't twins?!!!! i seriously have no desire for sexual things whatsoever! i have no emotion, i am very odd...lol....as i've been told....like, i feel somethings, but not all.

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#229532 - 06/07/08 03:26 PM Re: Do Men Find Harder Than Woman To Cope With Rap [Re: terpprm]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Chris:

I think that for the average teenage or young adult hetero rape survivor there are several immediate problems. First, getting raped is a very unnatural sexual act for the hetero younger male victim. Second, for the younger male victim, their rape comes when they are at some point in their sexual development where they are not yet comfortable with adult sexuality. Third, rape stymies or destroys the development of the average younger male's fragile ego. Males back then were taught to be strong and uncomplaining. We were taught that weakness and fear was so un-male. And getting raped puts the young male victim in such a weak position. It makes the younger male victim question everything about being male. It often causes a lot of self-blame and self-hatred, as the younger male's sexual identity, self-esteem, boundaries, and fragile developing ego are all shattered. The longer that you try to hide it or remain shut down the further behind your peers that you end up, which might result in re-victimization later as anything sexual is avoided.

In your case and mine too our victimization also involved being sexually tortured. We were totally powerless and entirely at the whim and mercy of our rapist(s). We both still wonder why we weren't killed or sexually destroyed. Our victimization totally robbed us of continuing normal development. At the age of 18 after 17 other less violent incidents of CSA I was into almost total sexual avoidance, and had been self-medicating for four years. Then came my forced rape and torture. I was probably lucky that I was both high and drunk when it happened. Four years later I accepted a proposal from a close male friend for a gay BDSM relationship, one where we both wanted to relive our rape and sexual torture experiences under the influence of IV cocaine. We re-victimized each other basically to get what we wanted. Only after nine years of shutting down and near total sexual avoidance, I finally forced myself into therapy because of a social crisis.

In Cleveland I had hung around the same art, hard drug, and new music crowd for several years at that point. I went to a party with a couple of my guy friends and over the course of the evening I rebuffed the sexual advances of three eligible women from my extended social group. Later that night I was called gay by a couple of guys. Despite my physical size and my reputation as an inner-city tough guy I almost broke out in tears. Plus as I aged it was becoming harder and harder to maintain a social group of guys to hang around with in a non-sexual manner. I had lost several close friends over the previous several years and found myself in a socially-fragile position in my late 20s. Then came that party and the realization that the gap between fairly normal late 20s adult sexual development and where I was because of my problem was causing my social group to question me. It was resulting in my being re-victimized again. It made me feel so small and shamed again.

So basically that is what led me to therapy at the age of 28. My immediate goal was to become more normal with my sexuality. After 18 months of therapy I married my first wife. And then I got stupid and never finished my therapy. Either I thought that I was done, or I was scared that my social group or my wife would find out. Two years later my marriage was on the rocks. My wife just knew that there was something wrong with me. I tried taking her to a few therapy sessions but she freaked-out and left me. So I was re-victimized again.

My fiance is eight years younger than I am, and so was my first wife. I went to my 30th year HS reunion and God everyone else looked so old. It was a very supportive event though, as almost everyone was really glad to see that I had made a lot of progress. I guess that more than several people had thought that I would heve ended up dead by then. At least I was way beyond the point I had been stuck at in my late 20s. You too, my friend, can get there if you put forth enough effort. If what you need isn't available in eastern Canada, there is plenty of support available here south of the border (or north of the border in my hometown, metro Detroit).

Let me know if I can try to be of any more help.

Trucker Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#229539 - 06/07/08 06:13 PM Re: Do Men Find Harder Than Woman To Cope With Rap [Re: Trucker51]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I don't think there's much of a difference...my cousin, who is female, was sa'd and r*p*d by her adoptive mom and other grown ups...I think the biggest difference is if it was done by the same sex as you.





I dunno.


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#229608 - 06/07/08 11:29 PM Re: Do Men Find Harder Than Woman To Cope With Rap [Re: Nyjah]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
A wise friend said it boils down to the sexuality issue, If it's male/male = sexuality issues, female/male = sexuality issues (the woman being the dominant) but male/female the sexuality doesn't get confusing.

Make that triplets JCF and TERM

Stay strong
Mike

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#229622 - 06/08/08 12:21 AM Re: Do Men Find Harder Than Woman To Cope With Rap [Re: mogigo]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
As a male rape survivor . I believe that it is harder to cope with the effects of rape. It is something that we do not talk about easly. Most men keep this secret keep to them selves for several years. Because of the stigma that comes with it. When you do finaly try and find help it is usualy at a womens councling center . and they do not know what to do most of the time . Yes I believe that it is more dificult for a male

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"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#229805 - 06/09/08 12:52 AM Re: Do Men Find Harder Than Woman To Cope With Rap [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Teddy Bear Offline


Registered: 05/11/08
Posts: 22
Loc: El Paso, Texas
I would say that rape and sexual molestation is equally traumatizing for both males and females.

It's just that it is harder for men to seek psychological counseling and that any such help is not as readily available for men, and it seem that female rape victims get more sympathy from society than male rape victims.

There is still more stigma attached to male victims, so in some ways, it is harder for men to cope than for women.

Hopefully, as society become more enlightened, this will change, but while it's still harder for us men to get the help we need, it is equally traumatizing for both sexes.

That's my take on it.




Edited by Teddy Bear (06/09/08 12:53 AM)
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#229895 - 06/09/08 04:29 PM Re: Do Men Find Harder Than Woman To Cope With Rap [Re: Teddy Bear]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Look up Mencanstoprape.org and look at their links. They have over a dozen links to other sites.

TM

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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