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#229135 - 06/05/08 12:44 PM My Childhood Haunts - Possible Triggers
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
***WARNING Ė POSSIBLE TRIGGERS***

I am currently on vacation in Calif. where I spent the latter half of my childhood growing up. Spending time here brought back some of the experiences I had while growing up that play no small part in my development.

Interspersed with the sexual abuse I experienced while growing up I also had a number of consensual sexual encounters with two friends. I also had a number of consensual sexualized and non-sexualized explorations with other friends my age but the encounters I had with the two friends I mention here became more than just exploration.

Mike was a friend I met in 3rd grade. He was in 4th grade. We were on the same Little League team. We both sucked at baseball and usually we played right field a couple innings each per game. We would almost always strike out when we were up to bat.

Mike is the first friend I ever got completely naked with. This was while I was in 3rd grade. At my house while both my parents were at work Mike suggested we get naked and run around the house just being silly. It was innocent, naughty fun. We did this a few times. Mike went camping with my family a couple of times. My dad had a truck and camper at the time. Mike and I would ride in the camper in the bed over the cab looking out the front window when we were on the road. We got naked there too. These encounters went on until I moved to another city about 40 miles away when I was 15. One time after we had moved Mike and his parents came to our new house and spent the weekend with us. Mike slept in my room. Of course we got naked again. Both of us were well into puberty then. There our naked encounter was not so innocent but still nothing ďhard coreĒ. I remember how much I enjoyed it and I have spent many, many times reliving that experience while Ming. That was the last time I spent any time with Mike. I canít help but wonder what would have happened if I had never moved away when I was 15. Who knows? Godís providence would not allow it. Mike wanted to be a cop when he grew up and after high school enlisted in the Marines and became an MP. Interestingly, I joined the Navy after H.S. and also became a reserve cop for a few years after I got out of the Navy.

My other friend I had regular encounters with is Brian. I met Brian in 9th grade. We regularly had sleepovers at each otherís homes. We would get naked at all these sleepovers. Many times alcohol was involved. Brian would always initiate the sexual activity. But I enjoyed it and welcomed it. One of the crazier things we did was while Brian was staying at my house. We were sleeping in my parentís RV in the driveway. Late at night while everyone in the house had gone to bed Brian suggested we go streaking down to the railroad tracks about half a mile away. We lived in a semi-rural area. I thought it was nuts but I was game. We headed out under the pale moonlight and made it to the railroad tracks. When we got there Brian said his feet hurt. Like idiots we went barefoot as well as bare everything else. Brian actually suggested I carry him back! Well I didnít do that. We made it back eventually without being caught. In hindsight we never thought what weíd do if a car came by while we were out there or if a neighbor happened to be outside as we went streaking by. Stranger still, while most of our encounters involved alcohol, this particular incident did not. On another occasion our parents allowed us to camp in my parentís RV at a local campground on our own (What were our parents thinking??). Ironically, as I post this message, I am spending a week at this same campground right now! Again, Brian initiated the sexual activity even to the point of wanting me to penetrate him anally. In a rare act of restraint, I did not do follow through on that request. I have never been interested in doing anything involving anal penetration or kissing.

Though Brian and I were good friends through high school we were never particularly close. We hung out with different crowds in school. I didnít like who he hung out with and he didnít like who I hung out with yet we both got along. I never had any type of emotional attachment to him.

Unlike Brian, I had a huge crush on my best friend in high school, George, and developed a dreadfully unhealthy emotional attachment to him. It eventually killed our friendship during our junior year in H.S. Although we came close, George and I never did anything sexual together except for one covert attempt on my part. Oh the shame!

As I think back on all of the experiences I mention here, I donít remember ever initiating any of these open (overt) encounters. I was very much a willing participant though and donít consider these to be abusive. Shamefully, whenever I did initiated any sort of sexual contact it was ALWAYS covert, while my friends were asleep.

I am not sure how all this interplays and what cumulative effects all this has had on me. One things for sure, it sure got poor Mikie all mixed up!


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#229139 - 06/05/08 01:39 PM Re: My Childhood Haunts - Possible Triggers [Re: Barkabus]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Confused indeed...........................

Mike I see bad AND good in this story of your early life. The bad part is that you pushed into improper boundaries (while your friends were sleeping), but the GOOD part is that you actually were able to forge SOME kinds of relationships. I myself TRIED to approach other classmates and friends for intimacy/sex, but NONE of them had such an interest in the same, they were all straight.

What I'm getting at is that MAYBE these limited settings of intimacy that you did have helped you to develop emotionally and feel better/more confident in yourself?

You don't look at all of this story as BAD do you?


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#229165 - 06/05/08 06:27 PM Re: My Childhood Haunts - Possible Triggers [Re: Hauser]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Mike,
I have to agree with Hauser that there is good and bad in this. Yeah you had some friends that were a little borderline on the boundries but mostly just silliness. I have done the lets run around naked thing too. I think most of us have. I see though that you were curious about your friens body and we into some covert stuff because you were probably afraid of being seen to inititate the sex. You were willing to participate if someone would take on the responsibility of starting it. That reluctance saved you a lot of heartache. I know these memories bring you shame and guilt but you were already set up for it. I doubt it could have gone much different given the circumstances. Don't beat yourself up. Forgive yourself and realize it was not your fault by then.


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#229190 - 06/05/08 10:09 PM Re: My Childhood Haunts - Possible Triggers [Re: Freedom49]
Pete2004 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina
Mike:

Thanks for sharing. Our stories are similar, I too was sexualized at an early age, was introduced to male on male sex by a neighborhood kid...later sought it out from him. Later 'bonded' with older boys in boy scouts who wanted to 'jack off together' as I was asked to share a pup tent on campouts..... Abused by a Scout Master and, same as you, while I was 16 -17, became overly attached to my best friend(s) and initiated covert encounters while asleep (deeply felt shame)(all the while having a lot of sex with my girlfriends). This shredded the friendships causing much distress even to this day. Looking back, I was just out of control. I am also thankful encounters weren't as easy 35 years ago like they are today. I probably would not be alive.

A year ago I would rather have died than type this, but friends here on the site have helped me understand the motivation. I was at times trying to recreate the abuse in order to make sense out of what happened. Also I predominately connected, as a boy, to male friends through sex, the bonding rituals were through sex. For me emotional closeness with male friends was only achieved through sex... something that I now recognize has fallen over into my marriage. It is changing but, I still deal with the following: Without sex, I do not feel emotionally connected. I emotionally connect through sex male or female. For the past 30 years, it has only been with females (20 with my wife). I was able to choose and control the urges until my wife became ill (no sex - no emotional closeness/connection and my son turned the age I was first abused) Internet porn and chat rooms became my drug for self-medication. It was rapidly escalating to seeking out encounters, which led me to look for help.

It isn't the sex that I crave, it is the emotional connections. I find myself isolated in a room of thousands. I can carry on small talk, talk about the events of the day, even if the mood strikes, be the life of the party and still be completely and totally emotionally isolated. I am learning how to connect emotionally without sex. I didn't do that growing up... I don't remember emotionally connecting with those to whom I was supposed to while growing up and I don't know why. I guess the speculation is for another post for another day.

I say all this to let you know that you are not alone.

Peter (pete2004 in chat)

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There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

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#229348 - 06/06/08 08:05 PM Re: My Childhood Haunts - Possible Triggers [Re: Pete2004]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Wait a second...........I have a question about something you said. "Both" of your parents were at work when you were in 3rd grade? Was no one watching you Mike? Just curious.


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#229403 - 06/07/08 12:07 AM Re: My Childhood Haunts - Possible Triggers [Re: Hauser]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
No one was watching me. Why I typed this I wondered about that. It made me reflect back again to ensure I got the time frame right. I am recalling it correctly because we were living in a rental house at the time and we lived their for less than a year. More like six months then we moved to the house where Les, my 1st perp lived across the street.

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