That's a good question, and it is probably worth investigating your feelings and thoughts about these memories--even if what I am going to say next makes it seem that there are many reasons to be cautious about reading in too much.
It is impossible to read backwards, in truth, regarding people's history and behavior. Actions have so many motivations! and regardless of patterns and clusters, people's reactions are not ever fully comparable. Each of us is unique, and so are our responses to distress or trauma.
There's also a phenomenon that tends to arise in first-year students of medicine or psychology: they read about all the symptoms and signs of disease and become apprehensive that those signs are actually present in them, too.
That said--sometimes it is indeed true that people don't realize for a long time that what happened to them was actually abuse. Sometimes that's because the vocabulary and concepts were not present when it happened; sometimes it's because somehow the abuse was normalized. It can take quite a while to get enough information to be able to redefine what one has lived through.
So, where does that leave you?
If you want to check into whatever you find so "disturbing and shameful" you might decide that what underlies it is benign. Or you might decide that it was abuse, in one form or another. To me, the question now is what use is it to you to examine your past from this perspective. You're the only one who can answer that question.
Sometimes it is helpful, when you're trying to make sense of what happened to you as a child, to pay close attention to a child of that age (however old you were when that happened, whatever it was). How would you respond if you found out that this was happening to a child you know now? Your reaction now can tell you something about how you feel about what happened then, even if you thought about it differently when it happened.
Some may charge me with being absolutist in a sense, wanting to "change history" by applying our present-day attitudes to things that happened years ago. There is some validity to that--and yet, I also would argue very strongly for our right to tell and retell our own life story as many times as it makes sense for us to do so, depending on what we learn about the world as we get older and encounter more of it.
Many of us F & F do find, Marissa, that we re-examine our deepest beliefs as we come to terms with what we are witnessing in our SO coping with the aftermath of SA. Part of that process may mean that we reconsider our own pasts in a different light than ever before. It's not always pleasant. It can be positive in the long run, all the same.
Good luck to you. whatever you decide to do about these questions.
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.