565: Asking a boy that you've been drueling over for the last year out on a date, because you think he's throwing you signals and you think because he treats you so nice when everybody else doesn't, and he knows you're openly gay, that he is too. Then it turns out that your daydreams and the thoughts of loving him the way you want to love a lover are not possible, because you asked him for a kiss and even though he didn't punch you in the face, he retracts and calmly says, "I'm your friend, but I like girls."
And then the whole world falls down around you. First, you're embarrassed, then you get that weird feeling like you won't be friends ever again, and then you feel totally broken and worthless, because you think maybe you just didn't go at him right and ask him in a gentler way, or maybe you should've romanced him or just went ahead and kissed him while he wasn't suspecting it.
Then you realize that wait! this guy is probably straight. I just didn't see the signs before because I was distracted by my lust and infactuation for him. You think, "I wish I could be that girl walking down the street with him, me holding his hand, and throwing my arms around him for a hug and a warm and gentle kiss." You envy that girl, because she has something you want so bad and there's no substitute to control how and what you feel.
So you lay your head on your pillow at night and cry yourself to sleep with the thought of, "this guy is so perfect for me. How could he not feel the same as I do for him?"
Then after two horrible days of distancing yourself from he, he knowcks on your door and says, "Sorry." You immediately think, "Maybe I'm gonna get the guy after all." But no. He tells you he's sorry that you felt that way for him and he didn't feel that way for you, because you're such a great guy and a good friend.
Then you lay your head on that pillow on the third night and think, "at least he didn't break my jaw or push me down, and he still wants to be friends." And somehow I keep telling myself, "that is enough."
That's my last three days.