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#231228 - 06/15/08 11:23 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
kinetic1 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/08
Posts: 4
June I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. My SO had a bad episode last night and so I came here looking for some support. A lot of things in this thread helped me get my balance again.

I hate that feeling: "I just can't believe this is my life." You try to do the best you can, be the best person you can be, you know, you're not out there murdering people, you just fell in love with someone and thought it was the greatest thing in the world. Perhaps like me, you are a dynamic creative woman, and you were enjoying your life until this thing reared its ugly head. And there's nothing you can do to fix it. It renders you helpless and all you can do is watch and hope that he'll do something about it.

Well at least your thread prompted me to send my SO a supportive text message. He's not even at home right now, he's in another city and there's nothing I can do for him. I can see this is a lesson for me as well. Despite whatever pain he is in, he texted me back saying, "You are the great love of my life."

I want to believe that love heals all. I know it can, I have seen love do some amazing things. But how can it get started when one can't even love themselves? \:\(


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#231253 - 06/16/08 04:30 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Lee73]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
June I have been married for 22 yrs now 2yrs together before that. I did not know something was wrong until 3 yrs into the marriage. His sexual drive had changed considerably. Also the same thing happened to me. He didnt want any children. My eagerness to show the support and love I have for my husband pressed me forward.
I would not have married a man whom did not want children or know GOD for that matter. Both changed after that. I felt that this was my husband being anxious over having children. I believe its fear of not only having to protect himself he would have to protect another human being as well. A fear that even people whom never have been raped also carry with them.
You sound like me so many years ago. I hope that doesnt bother you.
FOrget the question why do you stay? Figure out how you got here first. That is the best question. also this ,how many STOP signs you barrled through. I know I am guilty of that.STOP SIGNS to me are those times you said why is he doing that ? oh that's ok. I love him anyway.
WHEN people ask why do you stay It lessens the person you are. Anybody on this site should know that. It makes you feel like you have to give a reason for staying. It is the same reason a woman waiting for her husband in IRAQ to come home. You are faithful for the same reason.
In this LIFE with a CSA victim. Love is definetly a battlefield'

Before I get off my soapbox . I have this to say. I am 20 yrs behind you. I have endured many things I should not have. I am a victim of child abuse and never thought of my self first(a syndrome). I realize that played into all of this as well.
My husband does not think of me first ever. I can see he knows he is wrong but always takes the selfish road. Sorry for me But this is true and I must realize that.




_________________________
if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

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#231281 - 06/16/08 10:44 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: chrty]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Lots of people to acknowledge!

DAN - Thanks for the words of encouragement. I can't imagine what all of this has done to my H but can only react to what I see. I want to respect what he says (that he made a mistake in marrying me) and move on but I made a commitment to him to stand by him through better and worse. I can't back down even if it means that I have to soldier on by myself. Not sure exactly how I will do that though. All of the messages on this site have been wonderfully supportive and also clear in telling me that this is his battle to fight. I will tell him that I encourage him to fight in an effort to seek clarity for himself, that I will be there to support him through it if he wants me to, but that I will not be a doormat to him. I am far stronger than he knows or than he gives me credit for. He needs me in his life.

KINETIC1-Sounds like we have a lot in common! This is all knew to me as I found out in a round about way. I am still unclear on the facts let alone on how to deal with it. I too believe that love can heal all. I just am not sure if I have the right definition of "heal". My H just shows some of the behaviours and thankfully not all. However, he appears to be deteriorating and I don't want to see him fall apart. I think we need to figure out how to be the strength for them and for us, show our support but also take care of ourselves (which sometimes means we need to say we've had enough). But then again, I don't know.

CHRTY - I am so sorry if I offended you! I didn't mean for my question of "why do you stay" to come across as a judgement of any kind. I guess I was naively hoping to hear that things get better, etc. With messaging like this, I really do apologize if the intend of my question was lost in translation. I do want to thank you for the comment you made about "stop signs". I know I fell in love with my H because he was a good person and he brought so much to my already great life. Now that I know about his CSA, I still believe that he is a good person and that he brings a lot to my life. I just wish it was easier and am frustrated because things can get better if he starts learning to understand what is driving some of the negativity he has now. But, I know I can't be the one to make it happen.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#231340 - 06/16/08 04:32 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
No one here has offended me here. I have been treated well here. Actually I spoke with a close friend whom said this. I havent been able to shake it. Boy I gotta get better at writting. I was hoping to support you. I have had only encouragement from everyone here. I was hoping to do the same for you .

Stop signs are signs that your spouse gave you along the way. I know my husband did. I missed them all. Some I did see but, just kinda shewed them away. Maybe I was scared I dont know.
In any case JUNEFRIDAY I am sorry if I have offended you. I am proud you wrote about your feelings,I am proud you are here. I am encouraged more that anything JUST HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND.
Be well JUNEFRIDAY. If anything please let me know how everything is going.

_________________________
if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

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#231353 - 06/16/08 06:21 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: chrty]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks chrty! I am glad that all is good now. I do very much appreciate hearing your story.

Since I found out about my H's CSA I've been wracking my brains thinking back to the signs. Sure there were some. But you guessed it; I either cast them aside because they were minor issues or I loved him anyway, warts and all. I knew I wasn't perfect and didn't expect him to be either.But never in a million years would I have imagined this!

Believe me, I've been trying to hate him...it would be so much easier for me and maybe even for him. But I just can't. I can't stop thinking about the defenceless little boy, the confused teenager who acted out without really understanding why, and now the angry man who doesn't understand why he feels nothing for his wife anymore. It isn't his fault that all of this happened to him, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being angry that he isn't doing anything to take advantage of the support available. I'd also be lying if I didn't admit that it hurts me terribly to know that he can walk away from me without trying to understand why he doesn't love me anymore. But, I still believe that he deserves my love. I have faith that he came into my life for a reason and that I can be strong for a little while longer. I just hope I am not being too nave.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#231393 - 06/16/08 08:41 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
No I feel your pain. I admire the love you have for him. I had this same conversation with myself in 1995.

Wake up Mr. JUNEFRIDAY this woman loves you!!!

_________________________
if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

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#231403 - 06/16/08 09:41 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: chrty]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
June,

Of course you can't make yourself hate him, that doesn't surprise me one bit. You can be angry and hurt and sad and confused, but hate? nope, that one doesn't enter into the equation. It's not in you to give him back what he's giving. You know the man you married; it's the one you're living with now who is the stranger.

You're absolutely right that you can't hear "you're fired" and then answer back with "well then I quit." But an exit review would be nice don't you think? I would encourage you to write that that letter to your husband. I think it's important that he hear what you have to say and want to say to him, if only he'd allow it.

June, you've mentioned a couple of times that your clumsiness is a problem for him and it seems that you're pretty accepting of that. I've got to say that from my end, that seems ridiculous! I've never been accused of being graceful either, as a matter of fact, I quite literally hit a wall probably every day, usually with my shoulder, but I have been known to walk right into it *lol* If anyone who supposedly loved me told me that was a deal breaker, I'd probably go psycho!

Please don't buy into nonsensical insults directed at you. A constructive conversation and a request for a compromise of something reasonable is one thing, but if all he has is that you're clumsy, he's really reaching!

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#231480 - 06/17/08 11:06 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Trish4850]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
I agree Trish. The clumbsiness issue being an issue is a load of BS. So many of his issues with me are like that. If it weren't so hurtful that THOSE are the reasons why he wants to leave the marriage, it would actually be comical. Everyone he has talked to has told him how ridiculous these issues are, but he feels that they all add up to become quite significant. I don't disagree with him that it's the little things...but come on! And, he knew I was clumsy before he married me anyway.

I want to write the letter but I don't really know what to say. I think too, part of my writer's block is because I don't think he will even take it seriously. I fear that he will see it as just another one of my desperate attempts to get him to try to make our marriage work. Any suggestions on what I can say that will actually make him sit up and take notice?

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#231545 - 06/17/08 09:02 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
June,

You're intentions and desires to make a marriage work aren't desperate, in my opinion. I think you owe it to yourself to be able to say 1, 3, or 5 years from now, whether you're together or apart, that you did everything you could. There are few things worse than looking back and thinking I should have. As for the letter, all you can do is write from your heart. Whether his sits up to take notice is something you can't predict or control but you will have done your best.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#231763 - 06/18/08 11:20 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
Originally Posted By: Junefriday

I want to write the letter but I don't really know what to say. I think too, part of my writer's block is because I don't think he will even take it seriously. I fear that he will see it as just another one of my desperate attempts to get him to try to make our marriage work. Any suggestions on what I can say that will actually make him sit up and take notice?


June,
I just happened to open the drafts folder in my gmail account, and found 3 attempts at this same kind of letter, before I finally settled on the final draft! My first draft was angry - mostly at his lack of a reaction, trying to bait him into feeling something, anything. It was pissy, bitter, and meant to provoke him into reacting. I didn't send that one, but my second attempt was calmer. It referenced the fact that I wrote (but didn't send) a mean letter because those were my feelings - but I didn't want him to hear that. I still didn't send that letter! The third was just mostly a rewrite with some different points.
By the time I had gone through all of these drafts, I noticed a change in myself. I needed to do all of that writing, to get through to my own true (or at least true-er) feelings. From there, I was able to know what i wanted to say.
I can tell you what I wrote. I could probably even find the LONG letter and send you parts of it, if you felt that would be helpful. But I would suggest that before you take me up on that, that you sit at a computer and just write. One of the great parts about writing a letter is that you can edit it. So it doesn't have to be coherent, it doesn't have to flow, and it doesn't have to be in perfect form at first. You have plenty of time to edit and change it.


Can I give you my gut instinct? I don't want to give you false hope. But if you can be as strong as it sounds like you are and that you want to be - I think this situation will turn out better than you are thinking it will right now. I think you need to be prepared for the worst (that the marriage is over) and move on - and I think the whole thing needs to play itself out (at the pace that it is supposed to)...but ultimately I DO think that your husband will eventually come back from this place that he is currently at. So I think the question for you to answer is, when he does, what kind of person do you want him to find out that he has married?

(my answer to that question when I needed to ask it, is/was, "a loving, caring woman who wants us to work on this together, but not someone who is willing to be treated this way, so if I don't have a partner, I'm moving on and taking care of myself")


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