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#229866 - 06/09/08 02:19 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks for your responses and encouragement John. Given that my husband is pushing me away, any suggestions on how I can push back? In so many of the posts that I've read, the men mention their wives "leaving them". I can certainly understand that because it is very hard to support someone who does not show any kind of appreciation. My husband believes that all of the problems are with me and would never consider that the CSA is playing a huge role.

If it truly is, then my husband needs me now more than ever. I may not be the person that can help him, but I don't want to walk away from him either. How can I make that clear to him?

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#230196 - 06/10/08 08:53 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Tell him exactly what you wrote here. I wish there were some magic bullet that could travel through our guys brain and make them see with absolute clarity that when we say we love them and want to stay with them that we mean it. I wish there was a specific course schedule with regular tests to gage how well we were all absorbing the class material complete with a final so we'd know it was time to move on to the next class level. Sadly, none of that exists.

All we have are our words and actions that need to be repeated over and over and over and over and over again until everyone gets it.

Your current situation is rough and probably a "we have to talk" statement would not go over very well, at the same time though, leaving things to fester is even worse. What if, in a quiet moment, you said to your husband, "I'm glad you decided to stay." and see what the reaction is?

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#230333 - 06/11/08 01:33 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Trish4850]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks Trish! I did talk to him the other day and asked if he thought he was over the CSA. He admited that perhaps talking to someone again might be a good idea given that he is now at a different point in his life. I am skeptical that he will do it though.

Either way though, I don't know that I will ever know. He has made it very clear that he wants out of our marriage. I know that in time he will come to learn that his feelings for me are being clouded by the residual affects of his trauma, but he doesn't make the connection now and simply believes that he made a mistake in marrying me. He thinks I am useless and doesn't see the value in being with me.

As much as I know that it is the abuse talking and not truly him, it takes 2 to be in a marriage, let alone to make it work. I can't force him to stay. So I will respect his wishes and do my part in ending our marriage. Otherwise I will be waiting for a miracle that may never happen.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#230449 - 06/11/08 10:35 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
June, I wonder what would happen if you were the one to walk out. I can't guarantee that it would work, but I wonder if it would be the kick in the butt and the dose of reality that your husband seems to need. (but don't let my post be the reason for you leaving - you need to be ready to do this on your own)

I know that its not the same situation - but after my former boyfriend pushed me away one too many times, I left. Upon advice from here (thanks Trish!) I wrote a letter that both told him how much I loved and cared for him, and also detailed (calmly) why and how I thought the CSA was still affecting his life. I ended it with what I guess can only be called an ultimatum - saying that I loved him, wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, etc. but could only do it if he would get help. I remember writing that I loved everything about him except for one thing - that he, up until that point, refused to get help.

It was the roughest time period we've had. I never want to do it again. The uncertainty of what the future would bring was hell, and I only got through it with lots of support from friends and family. But he's starting therapy on Sunday, because he finally finally finally gets it - it wasn't him, it wasn't me, and it wasn't "us" that was the problem. The issue is the abuse. He hasn't promised me that the therapy will work - but he's ready to make a life change.
And I firmly believe that if I had let him continue to float along, we would still be floating along unhappily together.

This might have to be the bravest thing you do for yourself - but it might also end up being the smartest and healthiest.

Here's how I thought of it. I could stay with him and be unhappy, not get married, not have a family, etc. So that didn't seem like a healthy option....which left leaving him as my only option....Therefore, in leaving him, he would either come back to me as a better, more whole person, which would be amazing and absolutely wonderful. Or he wouldn't come back to me - which would be sad and heartbreaking, but at least I would know that he wasn't coming back to me, and could begin my own healing process, instead of sitting in limbo.

One more thought for you - and this is how I framed the argument to my boyfriend. If either of one of us came home from the doctor and was told that we had a debilitating decease that was going to ruin our lives unless we did the treatment (which was going to be long and hard, and there was no guarantee of success), I would expect us to do the treatment. I need to marry someone who will fight for our marriage and our family. And I see the abuse as the same thing. It is a debilitating decease - but it IS curable!

Maybe your husband isn't able to shake up the situation and make a decision on his own. Maybe he needs to hear from you that you aren't going to accept this way of life - that both of you deserve better. I think for sure that would convey that you love him and will support him - but that he needs to meet you half way.


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#230550 - 06/12/08 10:48 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: rchsweetie]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks for the thoughtful message rchsweetie. I agree with what you are saying. However, there is one difference - my husband is the one who wants out and who is leaving ME. I think what is causing him to believe that he does not love me anymore and that I can't make him happy is the residual effects of the CSA. But, until he comes to that realization, he believes that it is me and therefore wants nothing more to do with me. So I can't very well walk out on him when he has essentially walked out on me. He is in the process of leaving the home and while it is definitely at a slower pace than I would, he is leaving.

I was planning to write him a letter at some point though and do just what you said. I also want him to know that if he does go for therapy and needs someone to talk to, that I will always listen. But at this point there is no point in me telling him that I want a life with him but only if he gets treatment because he doesn't want a life with me.

On the one hand, I wonder if I am just reacting to the fact that I am hurt and heartbroken. On the other hand, he has changed much too quickly and far too radically for it to be a case of him simply falling out of love. It is hard to believe that someone who was once so kind, sweet and loving toward me could turn around and tell me that I am useless without batting an eyelash...without there being something more going on.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#230663 - 06/13/08 12:36 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
june- i think- but do check, that the open forum guys boards are someplace you can post your question to the guys ,

i think i saw that it was ok for females to post there but do check - most of the guys don't generally look at F & F. and you know i think they can answer your heartfelt questions to the core and so profoundly in my experience...


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#230703 - 06/13/08 09:20 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: An]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
First I would like to say I have been there. I like what rchsweetie wrote. I dont know how long she was with her husband. I would like to say that if I had done what she wrote almost 20 yrs ago. I would not be here on line ...as much. SHe had clear insight. My husband and I have been 'floating unhappy" for yrs. Even all these yrs later would still makw sense now.
I believe that the point that she was making is not that you want to stay and he wants to leave. I believe that has become a norm of csa. It is a truly painful disabling disease.

Forgive me but if you had had a disease (breast cancer, brain tumor) would he leave?
Do I believe all of this is from CSA? Yes all of it.
DO I believe there is something else maybe another molestation ? YES
I had stayed for over 20 yrs. Most of them were unhappy.
Do I love this man? Most of the time. Sometimes the name calling the anger the transference of me being wrong is too much.
I have received nothing but great and goodness from the people here on MALESURVIVOR.
The friends and family members look like they actually live here in my home.
The men sometimes pain me to my core. I dont get pained often. When they write me a PM i feel that they are stepping in for my husband because the know that s what a good friend would do for another. They dont even know him!!! He doesnt even get on this forum!!
Be well JUNEFRIDAY.

_________________________
if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

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#230740 - 06/13/08 12:56 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: chrty]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks chrty. I am so thankful for all of you and the encouragement that you provide. This whole process has been hard for me because I am the type that sees a problem and tries to fix it. I fully understand that this is not my problem and certainly not my problem to fix. But it is very difficult to sit on the sidelines, especially when the person refuses to get in the game!!

To answer your question if he would leave if I had a disease...I think the answer would be yes. I am clumsy and apparently this is a big problem for him. I think he worries that if something happened to me, he would be obligated to care for me. That would be expected for a husband. At first I took his issue with my clumbsiness to mean that he doesn't love me enough to care for me if I was hurt/ill, or that he is too selfish to put someone else's needs first. But now I wonder if he questions his ability to care for someone else. He also mentioned that he wasn't sure that he wanted children anymore though when we married, he definitely was in favour of a family. Perhaps he was saying that because he knew it would be a deal breaker for me and would cause ME to end the marriage. Or, maybe he questions whether or not he will be able to provide the care and protection to his children, that he feels he never received himself.

I think I could drive myself nuts thinking of "what ifs"! I guess my question back to you is if it is so difficult and filled with so much unhappiness, why do you stay in the relationship?

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#230849 - 06/13/08 11:19 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Good question, June. I wonder as to the "why do you stay" question myself and am figuring out if I should stay or go. Would love to hear the answer to that question from those who have stayed. I've been trying to figure out if the cost is too high to stay, and if my needs would ever be met...


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#231193 - 06/15/08 05:27 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
dwilliams Offline


Registered: 06/15/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Northern Illinois
I have also experienced this, only I was your husband I am in my third marriage and am doing well now for 14 years. Remember, you cannot change him, he must,MUST seek out a good therapist, sadly individuals stop treatment, it is hard and difficult, but it CAN be done. I recently wrote a book about my own journey disclosing ALL, some of it is listed at info@abovehisshoulders.com, it has helped me that my wife has stood by my side,I needed to mature and realize that as the movie "Into the Wild" states, Happiness is real when shared. It takes time, and it is tough, there are no easy answers, I am sorry. Sometimes an AHA experience occurs, where one will see change. Remember it is not you. Hang in there. Dan

_________________________
dan williams

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