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#229174 - 06/05/08 08:55 PM Is there a connection??
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
My husband and I were married a year ago. We got engaged after 6 months and though this seemed a little fast to me, we were both in our 30s and knew what we wanted. We saw it in one another and no one was surprised when we announced our intentions. He moved in with me after we got engaged and a year and a half later, we got married. During the 2 years before we got married and the first 3 months of marriage, everything was fine.

Then we moved to a new town and into a home that we bought together. We argued over decorating ideas, but that was really it. But, I started to notice that my husband seemed tired all of the time. He would barely talk to me during dinner and often would just go upstairs to sleep without so much as saying goodnight. We talked about our relationship and he began to say that perhaps we had been on our own for too long and it was too hard to build a life together. The next thing I knew, he wanted to separate. We went to 2 counseling sessions but after the second one, he said that his feelings had changed and he didn't want to be married anymore. He just wanted his old life back. He has never been able to articulate what went wrong. Any time that I have asked, he has brought up silly things; grocery shopping habits, my clumbsiness, etc. None of the things he has ever mentioned are reasons to end a marriage let alone a relationship. He made comparisons between me and his mother (who is a great person despite what he says) and said that perhaps he felt pressured into marrying me. The more I wanted to talk to about it, the more distant he would become and the more hurtful in his words and actions. I finally told him that if he wanted out of the marriage, he needed to leave the house. That was 2 months ago and he has not yet left. We are friendly to one another, even going for motorcycle rides, seeing concerts, etc. But, the affection and passion is gone.

Through all of this, his family has been perplexed as to how he changed overnight. He went from being a sweet, affection and caring man to a cold, insensitve and unfeeling monster. He does not seem to have any idea of what he is doing to me and the fact that he is walking away from all of our dreams. His parents have reminded him that he was the happiest they had ever seen him when he met me. In speaking with his parents, they hinted at something in his past.

One night (a good night), I asked him about it. He told me about a male neighbour that sexually abused him when he was a young child. I later found out from his parents that he didn't tell anyone about it until 20 years later. He came out with it after an argument with his mother and admitted what had happened and that he blamed her for not protecting him. He received counseling but it was more for the abuse not for his feelings toward his mother or women in general.

Since discovering this, I have done a lot of research on the affects of childhood sexual abuse on adults. I cannot believe that he has fallen out of love with me so quickly and refuse to believe that the nasty person that he has become is truly who he is. Is it possible that as a result of what happened to him, he has an inability to trust and to develop deep relationships? Is it possible that he is pushing me away because he does not want to be vulnerable again? Was the move to a new house significant enough of a change to trigger all of this to surface?

If anyone has gone through something similar, please let me know. I love him but it is getting harder and harder each day. I want him to return to the kind person I fell in love with. I see glimpses of him now and then but less often as the days go by. He is alienating his family and I fear that he will soon be all alone. I wish that I could go back in time and protect the little boy that he was but I can't. All I can do is help him now but he won't let me in.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

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#229197 - 06/05/08 10:54 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
June,

Welcome. I'm so sorry for what you're going through now. I can't imagine what would make your husband suddenly switch to this other person, but that sounds like exactly what he's done. It sounds like he feels the need to push everything good away and yes, it is absolutely possible that the childhood trauma he suffered could be the cause of it. No guarantee of course, but absolutely possible. If something triggered him and he now believes that he doesn't deserve any of the good he has, including you, then his only protection against the hurt he's convinced will come, is to push it all away, just as fast and as far away as he can.

I think a big thing for you to consider is that part of what he says may be absolute fact.

Quote:
We talked about our relationship and he began to say that perhaps we had been on our own for too long and it was too hard to build a life together.


It's very true that people who have been on their own for a long time have a very hard time consolidating their life with another. I don't believe it's impossible, but I acknowledge it's very real. I'm 45 and my b/f is 47. We don't live together, but I stay at his house every weekend. Even after better than 6 years, it gets challenging sometimes as we both have our own ways of doing things. Most of the time, I think I'm the one compromising, but then he'll make a comment about something totally benign, like where I moved a plant, and I realize that even something so small can be seen as me infringing on his space. It seemed silly to me at first, but I'm getting it and taking his feelings about what I do in his house much more into consideration, even if it seems inconsequential to me and despite the fact that he refers to it as our house {how's that for confusing?!}

Men as a rule and survivors in particular have a very hard time expressing what they want or need. They have an even harder time if they think that what they want or need will somehow hurt the one they love. The result is that nothing is said, but things fester anyway and it all becomes a horrible mess that a survivor is ill-equipped to find his way out of without resorting to bad habits and behaviors that worked when he was a child.

Does any of this make any sense? I'm a little tired now so I'm not sure, but I'm going to leave this post and come back to it tomorrow.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#229208 - 06/06/08 12:12 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Welcome June. We're glad you're here but so very sorry for the reason. You're among friends here.

Originally Posted By: Junefriday
Is it possible that as a result of what happened to him, he has an inability to trust and to develop deep relationships? Is it possible that he is pushing me away because he does not want to be vulnerable again? Was the move to a new house significant enough of a change to trigger all of this to surface?


The answer to the first two questions is yes.

The answer to the third is possibly. Change is a very difficult thing and if a person is on the edge it could be enough to tip the balance. The other possibility is that some event that occurred during the process of the move may have been the key. In the end it's probably not as important what caused it as much as the abuse itself and the aftermath.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#229234 - 06/06/08 09:29 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Trish4850]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks for the response Trish. Yes, I do believe that there is some truth to what he says. But, we both knew that going into the relationship and felt that we could compromise. We talked about the things that were important to us, etc. so while it was still a bit of a challenge, we knew what we were getting into.

One question I still have though is that if he really wants out, why doens't he just leave? It's been a few months now since I've told him that he needs to move out but he doesn't seem to be in a big hurry. He just returned from a week long trip today and I figured he would spend the next few days moving. But, he has other plans. I just don't get it.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

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#229374 - 06/06/08 09:33 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I wish I could answer your question June, but I can't; only he can. I know you don't want him to leave and I'm not suggesting you push him out, but you two need to talk. Choices and decisions have to be made. If he chooses to stay, then something has to move in a positive direction. You didn't sign on for a room mate, you got married with every intention of creating a marriage, not a rooming house. It's not fair to either one of you to pretend that the way things are now is anything like what you expected or deserve.

Does he say anything about the current state of things or is he just floating along?

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#229429 - 06/07/08 03:38 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Trish4850]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
JuneFriday - you might want to look at post threads like the one " I feel like I'm drowning" from the guys boards- so often i found the guys wonderful bravery in telling their feelings gave me the understandings that my friend could not verbalize at the time. and seeing the other guys understanding helped me get in touch with my own. sometimes too my friend was saying what they were saying but i needed to hear it from others where i didn't have the "is it me?" stuff playing into my ability to hear him , truly hear him.
These guys may often go so much through life with the surface lies as a coping skill, but i find them the most emotionally honest humans on the face of the earth and an inspirational and model for me to learn to be the same.
I'm just always soooo grateful for the guys and their beautiful honesty and sheer bravery I see in the boards, even when what they're expressing is their perceptions of themselves as cowards and unable to communicate.
The vision always comes to mind that it's because their csa has created one of those distorted circus sideshow mirrors that they are seeing their reflection from- and sometimes our reflections too--
the "average" looking person can see their reflection in those mirror as 8 ft tall and stick thin, and move to the next mirror where they're 4 ft and 10 times as wide. they're all mirrors giving refections and sometimes they're seeing our reflections in those same mirrors of distortion.

theres'so much going on soo deeply buried inside, all we're seeing as friends and partners are the air bubbles they're able to blow to the surface at this time and sometimes the waves and ripples of the deep sea of emotions and pain beneath.

don't know if that all seems too abstract, but the more i've understood the survivors "insides", the less confusing the outer behaviors have become and the more i can undrestand....



Edited by An (06/07/08 07:44 AM)

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#229462 - 06/07/08 09:05 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Trish4850]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
June,
Welcome \:\)
I'm not sure what could have triggered your husband to do "an about face." Everyone needs personal space from time to time but it certainly sounds as though he's taking it to extremes. Try to keep in mind that his coping skills at the moment may not be what they should be, and his initial reaction by attempting to run away from this could be the only quick fix he came up with until he comes up with something else.
I agree with you, it's very hard. With us, what's okay one minute may not be okay the next. I try to keep to the rules, he's constantly trying to test or change them. I'm not a mindreader. I agree with Trish, in that, it could be as simple as moving something from one place to another, or buying a different brand of something, or taking a different route to get somewhere. It's never about the object that was moved. Never. It's more of a control issue.
You are going to have to talk with him and see if he can articulate to you what this is actually about. Try asking him "What's happening here" rather than what he's feeling. I've always found that getting the root cause info is always easier if you approach it from the non-emotional side. He might panic if you pressure him into coming up with what he's feeling, but if he simply tells you what he sees happening, he'll no doubt bring what he's feeling into it without realizing it.
Communication is always best, in virtually any situation.
Always,
Liv


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#229472 - 06/07/08 10:00 AM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Liv2124]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks everyone for the messages. It helps to know that I am not off my rocker! I am still struggling with trying to understand if my husband's desire to end the marriage is because of his CSA or because he simply doesn't care for me anymore. Maybe it is just easier for me to believe that it is the CSA. I just don't think it is possible for someone to change so drastically in such a short time, not without some sort of trigger. Deep down he is a great person and I can't imagine that he would be proud of how he is treating me. But, I don't know how to get him to open up. He is tired about talking about "us" and while he didn't back away when I asked him to share the details of the CSA with me, I find it odd that while dating, he never thought to mention it. I agree that communication is the key but I don't know how to make that happen. I don't even know where to begin.

As for your questions Trish, "Does he say anything about the current state of things or is he just floating along?", I would say that he is floating. He wants the marriage to be over but yet he isn't taking any steps to leave. We need to sort out our financial affairs, sell the house, etc. but he isn't doing anything toward it. He seems to be happy here and seems to want to co-exist with me, but you are right in that I didn't sign up for a roommate. As much as I love him and want to support him through this, my needs are not being met at all. I can put my needs on hold for a while to make him come first, but I can't do it forever and certainly not if he isn't trying to make things better. I just can't believe this is my life!!

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

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#229584 - 06/07/08 09:30 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: Junefriday]
mara Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/01/08
Posts: 18
So sorry June for everything you are going through. What you describe could be me, except that I have live with this kind of marriage for 15 years now. My husband only told me about his abuse just over a year ago, but before that we were roommates and I blamed myself over and over. The change came over him a day or two after our wedding day and he remained closed and uncommunicative ever since. If I tried to talk about what might be wrong he became harsh and sometimes cruel, calling me names etc. I learned to walk on eggs and read all his moods. After his disclosure I thought things might get better, that we could work together finally toward a common goal, but I get the feeling more and more that he really doesn't want me around, CSA or no CSA. I agree with you that this is no way to live, that your needs are important and that although you want to support him, he may not want you to. And no, you're not crazy, I believe you're reading the situation correctly. All I can say is I get it when you say "I just can't believe this is my life". I wish you all the love and happiness you deserve.


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#229864 - 06/09/08 02:12 PM Re: Is there a connection?? [Re: mara]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks Mara! I read through some of your posts to get a better handle on your situation. I was disappointed to hear that things really aren't that much better. I am so sorry for you.

I feel very much the way you do; always trying to read his moods, walking on eggshells, etc. I used to get so excited to see him when I would return from work. I still get excited but the moment I put my key in the door, I get nervous because I don't know if it my wonderful, sweet and loving husband at home, or the cold, distance guy that seems to be around more frequently.

We don't have any children so it would be so easy to walk away from the marriage now. But I just can't imagine him not being in my life anymore.

Are there any survivors who can provide some insight into what I can do to show him that I care and that despite how he is treating me, I am still happy that he is in my life? But how do I also convey that while I want to love and support him, I don't want to be taken advantage of?

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

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