Hey guys,

I have come to a point where I am completely exausted from all this. I want to be done with recocery. I am tired of thinking about sex, sexuality, intimacy, masturbation and everything tied to sex. I just want to live outside of it but I can`t escape these thoughts. It`s always the same bullshit, using the same coping skills that no longer serve their purpose.

What the hell I am supposed to do then, not watch porn to see if I am aroused by men or women, not masturbate chronically when I am stressed, I have relied on sex to feel better for as long as I can remember and now it only makes things worse.

This is all I know and when so much of who I am is in doubt what do I turn to. Running away and repressing was so much easier.

Yeah you are right it was easier. We still got messed up but we weren't fighting it. Still that is what therapy is for to help us find better ways of coping that are less damaging to us. My T has been very help full with that. I hope yours will help you as much.

Hang in there. It's a hell of a fight and there are some really bad days. some days you fail completely. But it is sooooo worth it. Turn around and look how far you've come. Yep, it's hell. all wars are. You can do it. You aren't alone.
Paul

Yeah, it was easier when we just did stuff on autopilot and didn't think about it. But once that awareness set in, my mind wouldn't let me 'forget about it'.

I hope that you have a therapist that has dealt with male survivors that can help you deal with all this stuff. Old coping skills that worked for years just do not work anymore after you become aware of their origins. I had to learn a better, healthier way to cope.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve