Newest Members
Barracuda312, Just Hanging, mossTI, E35, 1975
12339 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
GeneF48 (66), kun wang (32)
Who's Online
2 registered (motmcd, 1 invisible), 11 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12339 Members
74 Forums
63437 Topics
443446 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#228912 - 06/04/08 09:57 AM Validating My Emotional Rape Past
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Rape- is an Issue of Loss. So much has been written about the issue of rape in todays society. But it is surprising how little attention has been given to the issues of grief and loss as they relate to rape. I feel as though I 'm only just infant beginning to understand how the grieving process plays itself out
in the everyday struggles and loss in life.

In our cultural death/loss/grief denial, when I become aware
of the grieving process at all, it is usually associated with death, dying, and bereavement. What I am beginning to discover over three decades after my rape is examining grief and loss.

No matter what the loss the grieving, the process always has the same triggering effect. None of us can experience a loss that does not bring a grief response along with it.

I may not be conscious of it, but it always comes with the loss. When I think about the issues of rape I cannot help but see not just one, but many losses.

For me being the victim, I have lost practically all senses concerning sexual safety, including loss of self-image, loss of sexual freedom in the future, loss of control, loss of health and often the loss of intimacy and sexual identity.

Rape often brings profound changes in any idealistic relationships, there is often the loss of what a relationship was before the rape. There are losses for our families and loved ones, too. Loss of relationship the way it was before. Loss of control. Often loss of intimacy , and many others.

So many unspeakable losses. Each in its own way, separate but connected to all the others, causes a triggering grief response. Unless I can begin to understand the grief process the healing for me the victim and my family and loved ones becomes very difficult.

So many of my reactions of being tortured and gang- raped at gunpoint are classic reactions to the stages of my grief.

I have read that the five stages of grief are vitally important in creating an environment of recovery after a rape.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally an acceptance
that allows growing through the terrible darkness, are all parts of the process of healing.

If I look at my post rape symptoms and reactions with the grief stages and try hard to clear my mind it becomes in someway perceptible to see the connection.
The question then becomes, what am I to do about my grief.

Understandably all the emotions are an appropriate part of my healing process, not just some sigh of weakness that needs to be forgotten, buried, or hurried along. I need to (VALIDATE) all my emotions and find appropriate, safe environments
in which to express them.

I need to allow the stages to repeat
themselves as many times as is necessary. I need not fix any of my emotions, only experience them. And though difficult as it may be a times I need not be alone in my emotional experiences.

Together with a supportive family, loved ones, friends, other victims, and community members and here among fraternal friends at Male Survivor, I can begin to pass through this dark time.

I know that No One or Any Process can take away the world of rape. Indeed; healing does not mean forgetting my torturous rape.
Healing means surviving and coming back into the light still able to grow, and still able to love.

Two keys to that healing are understanding the grief, suffering, and pain is finding someone in whom to trust enabling me as a rape victim to pass through this darkness.

Arguably; not all of us will find this journey a simply task. We all have to go at our own speed and time. I have to make myself believe this no matter what the cost or how difficult the journey or how many times I fall. Yes it will cause many tears on that road. It is my last and greatest life journey. I can only HOPE I come out a winner.




Edited by jcf1957 (06/05/08 05:25 AM)
_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

Top
#229021 - 06/04/08 08:47 PM Re: Validating My Emotional Rape Past [Re: jcf1957]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Great post JCF. My Mother passed away just over 2 years now, and when it happened I found myself in the position of having no idea how to mourn the loss. I was numb and I finally understood that something just wasn't working right with me. It was what triggered my journey that ended up with me being here.

I think that the whole progression of what I've gone through over the past two years had to happen the way it did. I started this journey convinced that my rape at 15 was the entire problem I was having in my life, but as you've pointed out the importance, that was a time that I was unable to come to terms with what I had lost. So I had to go back and look at that, mourn that, and come to some acceptance of what happened. I've done that now, acceptance, I've used that word quite a bit in the last little while. But as I've been told so many times "we only look at what we can handle" and much harder stuff has come up since I first came to the acceptance of what happened at 15.

The good part though, is that with the victory of that acceptance I've moved on to the things that are harder to gain accpetance of. But now I know I can do it.

Getting there
Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#229035 - 06/04/08 09:58 PM Re: Validating My Emotional Rape Past [Re: mogigo]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Mogigo;

Thanks for the support and input. It's so true that we only look what were capable of handling. Indeed; in this very moment.
No matter how well intentioned and genuine the support that I have received; whether it be from family, friends, people here at M.S. and even my Therapist. Oftentimes in my frustration and confusion I just have to scratch, claw, and crawl myself out of my painful perplexing situation. And I hate falling back into a hole of misery.
It's like being in a sinking ship going underwater. You know you have to come up for air.



Edited by jcf1957 (06/05/08 05:32 AM)
_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

Top
#229040 - 06/04/08 10:36 PM Re: Validating My Emotional Rape Past [Re: jcf1957]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
So, as you say JCF, concentrate on the one that is occupying you're mind. The others are always there, as with myself. But register that first victory first.

Certainly not saying that the first might be the rape. In fact after reading you're post's, probably not. I went on to Mom because the abuse by her was far deeper, after all, she is Mom.

You said that you have to come up for air, can't help feeling that maybe you're looking at it all, I know I felt sufficated when I was looking at everything, it was tooooo big.

The smallest really was, the example that I could do this.

Needed that \:\)

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#229065 - 06/05/08 12:32 AM Re: Validating My Emotional Rape Past [Re: mogigo]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Hey you guys. I have a hard time classifying what happened to me as rape, though I have heard a couple people say that in a way it was. Needless, I was sexually violated in a big way and it has caused a lot of issues.

I have had the same issues in dealing with the losses and other issues that this has caused. Yeah, the damaged sexuality, for me the wasted years acting out and being destructive in so many ways, the depression and more wasted years, the isolation and alienation I have put myself into. Grieving these losses is something I know I need to do. I have done some of it, and sometimes it seems like I am there. But then the hurt and pain come back, and I can feel so helpless at times.

I think it is true for me that once I started looking at my problems and dealing with the issues, that I started to see it was bigger than just the abuse, that there were other things as well that had been and were screwed up. I started to see that there was a dysfunctional bigger picture that made up my past that the abuse was just a part of. But I am pretty certain it was the abuse that made the rest unmanageable. And it was this sexual violation of my "self" that certainly has had some really deep consequences in my life.

I am glad you guys are talking about the grieving process, because I realized some time back that I needed to grieve all the wasted time and hurt and pain, the damage to the "self", etc. But I have been in a funk lately and maybe I need to remember that a big part of what I need to do is grieve. Not that I totally know how, but I sometimes feel I am doing something right. But then again, at other times I just don't know. But I will keep up the struggle because I just don't know what other options I have.

Eric




Top
#229069 - 06/05/08 12:45 AM Re: Validating My Emotional Rape Past [Re: ericc]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Eric/Chris:

Try Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS, starting on page 98, under the sub-heading Grief--A Natural Response to Sexual Abuse. I just had it out trying to help someone else. It is here on my desk halfway between Denver and Boulder, most of the time just taking up space.

Are you still using? If so you will have to treat that issue at the same time. Your progress will be limited if you are still using drugs or alcohol or involved in other self-abusive coping strategies. Are you involved in any in-person support group?

Hope that you are doing OK.

Trucker Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#229076 - 06/05/08 01:36 AM Re: Validating My Emotional Rape Past [Re: Trucker51]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Eric/Chris:

According to M. Symonds 1980 report entitled: The Second Injury to Victims, Evaluation and Change, pg 36-38, from Mic Hunter's 1990 book ABUSED BOYS, pg 98-99, the third phase of four phases of response to being violated is: "a delayed but chronic traumatic depression combined with bouts of apathy, anger, resignation, resentment, constipated rage, insomnia, and repeated replaying of the events". "The fourth phase is characterized by resolving the traumatic experience and integrating it into the victimized person's behavior and life-style".

Mic Hunter continues in the next paragraph: "However, before this fourth phase can occur, a grief process must take place. Whenever something is taken away from a person, he will experience a grief response. When someone is sexually abused, there is a great deal to grieve. Each person grieves in his own way, but grief responses tend to follow a pattern made up of five stages; denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and acceptance/forgiveness. People move back and forth among the stages, can be experiencing more than one stage at one time, and move from stage to stage at varying rates. Recovery is more a process than an event. At any time during the process men who are recovering from addictive/compulsive disorders may find that they return to these behaviors/thoughts as a way to cope with the grief. This may be a sign that they are suppressing some emotions, moving too rapidly, or expecting too much of themselves. Recovery ought to be a self-respecting process, as opposed to another form of abuse. It is important that you be gentle with yourself".

So, you have got to substantially complete the grieving process before you can successfully complete the fourth (and final) stage of being violated, according to Symonds and Hunter.

You know, I'm not all of the way there myself. I can see various aspects of anger, sadness, and acceptance all at play in my current experience all at the same time. I still struggle with my reactions to stress and crisis, often taking it out on myself too harshly. I expect too much of myself. I am still struggling with the perfectionism issue. I am at least somewhere into accepting/integrating my traumatic history into my current outlook. I am substantially beyond where the trauma of my past continues to dictate my future choices and actions.

I know, my exhorting you to keep your nose to the grindstone may cause you to question my experience. It took an awfully long time to get from where I was to where I'm at, and I wanted to give up so many times and did give up several times. There are lots of people who helped me get to where I'm at today. I'm not trying to push you guys. Just hoping to let you know that I care. I've been there.

Trucker Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#229077 - 06/05/08 01:54 AM Re: Validating My Emotional Rape Past [Re: Trucker51]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Thanks Mark.

I don't want to hijack JCF's thread, so I'll be brief. The above quote (the first one) from Mic Hunter's book really rings a bell and hits home for me I think. I am going to get my hands on his book and have a read (I have heard of it).

In all truth, things are in many ways going pretty good, but just when I get myself at a high point, I tend to slip back into a low point. But it will pass, it always does. I guess lately what is funny (well not funny, but funny how it works) is that just two weeks ago I saying how I am letting go of the "what if" thinking (basically if only this or that when different in my life, where might I be today as opposed there where I am at). I actually said, you know what I am letting that go and feeling pretty good, and accepting that these are the cards I have to deal with. And I was really feeling it. Yet now the last few day, maybe the last week, I have been getting into the regrets phase about what my life could have been "if only". Maybe it is part of the process. But I go through these phases and am trying to learn from them. All in all, it does seem to be getting better though. I appreciate that you took the time to share the above, and it seems helpful.

Eric


Top
#229080 - 06/05/08 02:20 AM Re: Validating My Emotional Rape Past [Re: ericc]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Chris/Eric:

I am not trying to "hijack Chris's thread". At first I had hoped to try to get you guys to look at Mic's book. And then I decided to copy verbatim from a paragraph and a half of his book because I thought that it might be helpful to both of you guys. A discussion on how to resolve grief issues follows all of the way to page 120.

I was a patient of Mic Hunter's back from 1998 to 1999. I believe that he gave me verbal permission to share from his book at that time. Just hoping to help out. I think that a lot of us struggle from time to time with what might have been.

Trucker Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#229111 - 06/05/08 10:12 AM Re: Validating My Emotional Rape Past [Re: Trucker51]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Mark,

No, No! I didn't mean you hijacking the thread. Really I was speaking about myself. I guess I have felt guilty in the past when I felt I have cut in on someone's thread and made it my own issue. You information was very good, and I am going to get that book and read it.

I had something very interesting happen. I think I have been having intense dreams (this morning I remembered one) and I have been waking up with slight headaches. I need to start my own thread on this, because it will be helpful for me, but anyway I was taken to tears a bit thinking about what my dream just earlier this morning was all about. It is good for me to think about these things.

Thanks again for the posts and info.

Eric


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.