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#22882 - 02/12/04 03:39 PM don't know, may trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Yesterday was my fathers birthday. I hate him. I just want him dead. He isn't even one who do the sexual abuse at me, or not so much anyway, but he is one who make me so screw up that it is easy for someone else to do those things at me, he is one who make it happen, and he is one who still is why I am crazy, fear sleep, cannot eat because I feel I do not deserve to be healthy person, he make me crazy, make me have others, make me hear voices, make me be stupid.

I have to see doctor yesterday, still do not know what now is wrong with me, still scared, still sick, and feel going down, doing worse then I been in long time. Do not know how to do nothing anymore.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#22884 - 02/12/04 04:42 PM Re: don't know, may trigger
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Brother Leo,

Remember what the poem "Desiderata" said? "You are a child of the universe. You have every right to be here, and even if you can't see it, be sure the universe is unfolding like it should."

It is Leo. It is for you. I kno, I KNOW, it can be hard to see at times, my brother. Especially if you're struggling with physical illness, mental illnes, and all the garbage your father and other people laid on you. But you have a reason to be here. You are a teacher, an influence, a friend, and inspiration. You have EVERY right to be better, to get well, and to be happy. That you feel so negatively sometimes, well, it's the lies everyone told you. They aren't you, Leo. They were never you.

You are a good, kind man, and you have done at least one thing right. You have helped your friend Alexei deal with the horrors of his life. You help others here. You have helped save MY life, Leo. MINE! And I owe so much to you for that.

Rest a while, my brother. We'll be here when you need us. PM me, call me, whatever you need, Leo. I care.

Don't EVER think you don't matter. You matter a lot here and to at least one man who owes his LIFE to you.

Peace and love, Leo.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#22885 - 02/12/04 04:43 PM Re: don't know, may trigger
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Leosha I replied but damned if I know what happened to it.

That son of a bitch does deserve to be rotting in the ground and your brother alive.

What makes me feel proud of you is that the anger and rage are directed at him and not inwards. That is huge for you and shows how far you have come.

I dont know why assholes like him are allowed to be born but they are and will continue to be. We just have to show the way for those who have not found us yet.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#22886 - 02/12/04 04:50 PM Re: don't know, may trigger
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Leosha,

I despise my father too. If it wasn't for him making a conscious decision to abandon me and my siblings, I wouldn’t have been placed in harms way.

******Possible Trigger***Possible Trigger***Possible Trigger***Possible Trigger******
I wouldn’t have had to go to work at age 11, wouldn’t have be SA by my boss, then dragged around to his friends so they could get some of me. I wouldn’t have looked for a ‘replacement’ father, that with the already destroyed child, made me easy pickings for yet another pedophile. That one got me a job with a supervisor that sexually harassed me, triggering a deep depression. While recuperating from that depression, I was being SA’d by my step-sister. All of those made my really down and susceptible for a perverted neurologist. And led me to a physically abusive relationship, resulting in permanent physical damage.
******End of Possible Trigger***End of Possible Trigger***End of Possible Trigger******

I see a long string of abuse that began with my father that did not physically or sexually abuse me. My fathers abandonment of me ==> SA by my boss and his friends ==> SA by my boss’s husband ==> Depression resulting from sexually harassing supervisor ==> SA by step-sister ///> SA by doctor ///> physical abuse by my ex-wife. So I can see your hatred for your father and understand the feelings that his birthday may trigger.

Leosha, you do deserve to be a healthy person. Don’t let your father and those that abused you talk you into feeling unworthy. Don’t let them talk you into being sick. You are not crazy, you are hurt and suffering. Understand that they did this to you because of their own sicknesses, not because of you. See the wonderfulness that resides inside of you and embrace it. The power to be you.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#22887 - 02/12/04 08:49 PM Re: don't know, may trigger
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

I am really sorry that you have gone through this. Something was very wrong with your father. You have met some other fathers and you know that your father wasn't right.

That is my point. Your father wasn't right. The things that he did and said, the beliefs that he put in you, these are wrong.

You are worthy of health and happiness. You are good and intelligent and strong. You are creative and talented and hard working. You are kind to others. You are wise. You deserve good things in your life, and you are strong enough to reclaim them.

Many of us were "set up" for sexual abusers by the situations we had at home. We must learn, then learn to believe, that our own value as persons is not diminished just because of those situations or the perps who took advantage of them.

Read the responses that your brothers here sent you. We know you are good, and all the other things we wrote. We want you to know it, and to believe it. Lean on our belief for a time, if you need that.

Your father wasn't right.

I hope you feel better soon.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#22888 - 02/12/04 10:21 PM Re: don't know, may trigger
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Leo,
I am glad you can hate him, I am glad you don't let it totally consume you. I know what an evil so-and-so your fathewr was, but you have survived him and all of that effects it stil has on you, you are a survivor, you are strong, and you are good. Please try to remember that, and please try to talk to your friends, let them know how you feel, even if you feel like closing up with everything you are dealing with, try not to, you have friends who care about you, and they can be great assets. Please remember no matter what after-effects you may be having you are still a survivor, you survived it all this far, and you can survive it even further. I am sorry you are still so sick and so scared, but I am sure in time it will get at least some better. You have strength in you, you have the strength to survive this, just as you have survived everything else. You are a good hearted person who has had to deal with terrible terrible things, but they will get better, they always do. Please take care of yourself, and remember I am always here for you if you ever need me.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#22889 - 02/15/04 03:16 PM Re: don't know, may trigger
Texas_Mike Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...
Leo........


"FEARFUL, FRANTIC THINKING TAKES AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF ENERGY & DRAINS THE CREATIVITY & MOTIVATION FROM OUR LIVES"


BEST, MIKE

_________________________
"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

Best,
"The Desert Runner" Mike

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