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#228493 - 06/02/08 11:11 AM new here
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
Hello i'm justin, new here, spent some time looking around before i registered, seems like an ok place, a lot of things i read really disturb me, hit home, but make me feel good to be able to talk somewhere if i wanted to. don't know if im doing this right, maybe somewhere for new intro's that i couldnt find i dont know. i never talked about any of this to anybody before, keep it all a secret but maybe it would be ok to talk some.
its hard to hit the submit button, i dont want to know anyone and i dont want anyone to know me, isnt that stupid? no, really i do want to know people with the same thoughts and feelings as me, maybe to help make some sense out of things, just dont trust anyone to let them know me. so now that i made no sense at all and sounded stupid, ill hit submit.
nice to meet yous


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#228495 - 06/02/08 11:19 AM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
This is a fine place for intro's!

Welcome to the site. I hope you can find everything you'll need here in order to direct your healing and recovery.

Yes, I agree, there are a lot of disturbing things here, but like you said, many hit close to home. We're all part of a club we didn't ask to join :-(

Most here kept the secret as well. It was only a few years back that I told my wife anything, and even then that was limited. Silence is powerful. It's hard to break. You've taken the first step. It is ok to talk. Especially here. Many here will know and understand, and be able to give you support.

Yes... that Ominous Submit button.... It's gotten me more than a few times. Each time you hit it though, it gets a little easier.

You don't sound stupid to me. You sound like most of the fellows I've gotten to know here. We all have huge trust issues and want to keep everyone as far away as possible in order to protect ourselves.

Nice to meet you too. Hang in there, keep talking. It can and does get better in time.


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#228498 - 06/02/08 11:31 AM Re: new here [Re: JustScott]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
thanks. so when you told your wife how did she take it? how did she react? did she have alot of questions because what you told her was limited? i thought maybe one time i would tell someone but then i thought about the barrage of questions that would immediatly follow that i wouldnt be able to answer so i changed my mind. thanks for saying i dont sound stupid.


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#228501 - 06/02/08 12:01 PM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Justin,

I want to welcome you to MS, I'm sorry you need this place, but I am glad you found us.

As Scott has said, this is a great place to talk and share. The nice thing is that no one really knows you. I "lurked" for several months before I signed up, and it took that long for me to take a step to trusting this place. Take your time, no one is trying to pressure you into talking. Pull up a chair and read or talk all you want.

I also agree that some of the posts are very hard to read, just remember to protect yourself. If the post has a "Trigger Warning", it means that the writer is shareing things that may be upsetting to others. Be careful about reading those posts, they can really bring back some tough memories.

Questions can be real hard to deal with, but remember, you do have the right to say... "I'm not ready to share that, right now." Just because you disclose to someone, doesn't mean you have to tell all. As you build trust, it will get easier to talk about it. That will take time, and we are willing to wait.

Welcome again, and hope to see you around a lot.

Your new friend,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#228505 - 06/02/08 12:49 PM Re: new here [Re: Scoutvictim]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
thanks for telling me about the trigger warning thing, i try real hard to avoid having memories even though i dont think i ever forgot anything i never dealt with anything either. theres alot of people here, that makes me sad, i know it happens alot but to see so many people talking about it makes it real if that makes any sense. i never ever felt like i had any right to make any decisions about what happens to me so when you said i have the right to say im not ready to share that right now my first instinct is to think wow this person is being nice and giving me a choice so what do you want from me? but i know what you mean. i just dont think i have the kind of friends who would understand
any of this then again i didnt ever think id find a place like this either.


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#228506 - 06/02/08 12:58 PM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
Justintime

Welcome,

Share when and if you want. There is also a chat room. It is not just to talk about bad stuff. It also there to talk about the weather or whatever.

Hope to see you around

Gregg


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#228526 - 06/02/08 03:51 PM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Justin,

I felt the same way... to quote your own words...

"i just dont think i have the kind of friends who would understand
any of this then again i didnt ever think id find a place like this either.
"

BUT...

You have found us, and you have found about 5600 new friends who will understand. I really hope you do stay around and meet some of us, we all know what it's like being new here.

Good luck on this new journey.

One of your 5600 new friends,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#228531 - 06/02/08 04:12 PM Re: new here [Re: Scoutvictim]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Justin,

Welcome. You are doing everything just perfectly - and you are very brave to be here. I hope you find as much friendship and compassion here as I have.

When I disclosed, I was surprised that there were far fewer questions than I thought. I first disclosed to my wife - I got very, very drunk and one night I couldn't hold in the secret any longer. I was like a pressure cooker and i just blurted it out. She was wonderful - very supportive and really didn't want a lot of details. I told her who and the time period when it happended. I have since told a lot of my friends. None of them has asked a lot of questions. Most don't know what to say except "I'm sorry"... but even my friend who is the ultimate "guy" and has a very hard time dealing with emotions, told me "It wasn't your fault)"

And that is something that we all need to remind ourselves of, over and over, it wasn't our fault - none of it.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#228545 - 06/02/08 05:05 PM Re: new here [Re: dannym]
rehpotsirhcs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/07
Posts: 204
Justin,

Welcome to MS. I don't want to sound like I am just copying everything the other guys wrote, but I'm glad you hit the sumbit button. Recovery is a hard thing to do and it takes many brave and couragous steps. I think joining this site is one of those courageous steps. I'm glad you are willing to get to know people and I think it will help you in your journey.

Just my thoughts,
Chris


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#228556 - 06/02/08 06:17 PM Re: new here [Re: rehpotsirhcs]
ktaylor7 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: South Carolina
Justin:
I am part of a Celebrate Recovery program and we have a group specifically for MS. There are many men out there that have dealt with the same things you are dealing with now. I lead a small group and everyone is welcome. Annonimity and confidentiality are a requirement. You can find a group in your area by going to celebraterecovery.com. It deals with all of life's hurts, hang-ups, and habits. Recovery starts when you begin to share your story. I first shared my story about 10 years ago and have grown to the point that I gave my testimony/story in front of our men's group at my church (probably 50 men). I know it is tough and the hardest part is realizing that it was not your fault. Hang in there. The guys here will listen and not judge you. I will be praying for you.

_________________________
Ken T.

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#228565 - 06/02/08 07:04 PM Re: new here [Re: ktaylor7]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Justin,
Welcome to male survivor. Like someone said above it is an exclusive club you had no choice in joining. You are among friends who understand. Read, post, vent, rant, chat whatever you need to do in your recovery you will be accepted here. You are not alone sadly. But it was not your fault for sure. You can get past this and heal and get your life and your heart back.


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#228661 - 06/03/08 02:53 AM Re: new here [Re: ktaylor7]
terpprm Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/15/07
Posts: 312
Loc: Elyria, Ohio
Justin, i want to personally welcome you here at MS. you are in the right place. don't ever hesitate to pull on the hem of my coat for help. i am always in arms reach. and i am serious about that. i post most of the time from my blackberry. so Personal Messaage(PM) me if you ever need anything! i will be there ASAP!!!!!

_________________________
My Story

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#228679 - 06/03/08 07:33 AM Re: new here [Re: ktaylor7]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
dont know what else to say but thanks for the replies. im not sure ill ever tell the story to anyone, not sure i want too. i know i dont have too but somehow it seems like if i do tell maybe it wont be such a heavy burden anymore. i do know one thing is something has to change.


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#228681 - 06/03/08 07:48 AM Re: new here [Re: ktaylor7]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Justin - I am probably the least likely to give any advice. I am very new also and I struggle with trust. I don't trust anyone, but then again, there is something inside me that says to keep sticking MS out even though I want to quit at times. Coming here is brave. We are brave men because we survived our childhood. We are brave men because we broke the silence of our abuse and breaking the silence is extremely powerful and empowering.


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#228685 - 06/03/08 08:09 AM Re: new here [Re: LW1527]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Justin,
Welcome. You made a big decision in posting and coming to MS.
Breathe. It took me years of work to get to this site, years more to post. Take time. There's no rush.
Remember that you matter and that on this site, you're safe and among friends.
Good for you for taking a big step towards a better way of living.
Peace,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#228687 - 06/03/08 08:30 AM Re: new here [Re: NWcats]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
I matter? i'm safe? i'm brave?
come on! i dont buy that for a second. that all sounds too good to be true. ive never believed any of that, after reading lots of stuff on here and on other places im guessing that i was just tricked, or brainwashed at some point you know if you hear something long enough or enough times you just believe it or if something happens for a longenough time it just becomes normal after a while. im afraid to be here but im afraid not to be and the more stuff i read here the more i think i have to be here for my own sanity or whats left of it.


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#228688 - 06/03/08 08:40 AM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Justin I know it sounds too good to be true and you don't have to believe it. Nothing will happen if you don't. Something might if you decide to test it though. You might find it possible to trust a little, let the secret out in a safe anonymous place actually feel better and freer and lighter. Again it is all up to you do whatever you want. Glad you are here. You are not alone. Not by a long shot.


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#228697 - 06/03/08 10:02 AM Re: new here [Re: Freedom49]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
this is alot and i have to give it some thought. anybody mind if i ask some questions?


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#228699 - 06/03/08 10:08 AM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
Justin
If you feel up to it chat room is a good place to ask questions. Or fire away we can do it here. Your choice?

Gregg


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#228703 - 06/03/08 10:14 AM Re: new here [Re: tazrad]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Any time here, chat room or private message...

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#228709 - 06/03/08 10:36 AM Re: new here [Re: dannym]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
no chat room no thanks


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#228715 - 06/03/08 10:58 AM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
how do you get over being so ashamed and guilty. i mean get over it enough to talk about it without hating yourself so bad


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#228717 - 06/03/08 11:12 AM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
Ask anything ya need too.


It's literally one step at a time. It's also realizing that the guilt and shame are not yours. We all feel it. Feel like it's ours, but it's not. It belongs to the abuser. It's his/her guilt and shame to bear.

Justin, you don't need to hold onto the guilt. It's not yours. The shame isn't yours either. I know it's not going to be a like a magic switch that you're going to throw and suddenly BOOM it's all gone. I still struggle with it, others who have been recovering a long time still deal with it. You're taking forward steps. Each time you take one, you've moving ahead.

Keep asking, keep talking. Each time it gets a tiny bit easier. You start with small things. Little things here and there. As you move ahead, you'll be able to share something a little bigger.

When I started this, I could not put the words sexual and abuse into the same sentence if that sentence related to me in any way shape or form. And forget saying directly that I was sexually abused. But there you have it, I just put em all together in a sentence. It's a bit by bit journey, and you'll have many here who can help you and lead you and lend you their strength.




Edited by JustScott (06/03/08 11:14 AM)

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#228728 - 06/03/08 12:27 PM Re: new here [Re: JustScott]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
yes its good that you can say that now. i cant even look at it. the thing you say about the guilt and shame not being mine, but what if it was my fault?


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#228748 - 06/03/08 01:55 PM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
That's a feeling that's shared amoung everyone here as well. We often feel like it is our fault. But you were just a kid. There's no way it was your fault. Even if somehow you can put together some kind of logic to make it your fault, it wasn't your fault. Kids are kids. Even if a kid things he's at fault, he's not. The adult is the one that knows better.

And even if your story is anything like mine (at least from what I've remembered so far) and there are no adults, I can guarantee you, there was an adult in there somewhere. The kids I was messed up with, learned from somewhere. Even if they learned from others kids, somewhere along the way, and adult taught it and it was passed.



Edited by JustScott (06/03/08 01:57 PM)

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#228753 - 06/03/08 03:16 PM Re: new here [Re: dannym]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Justin - you are brave. Whether you believe it or not, doesn't make it not true. You are brave just by sharing. Your brain might not understand that, but your heart does. It is not the big steps that make you brave, it is the small steps that make you braver.


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#228756 - 06/03/08 03:24 PM Re: new here [Re: LW1527]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
small steps i can do. i dont think i know what my story is or how id put it together even if i wanted to. where does it begin and where does it end i dont even know. who did what to whom and when, hard to say. everything is just sort of blurred into one big ugly mess.i do know, and am willing to say, that it was my foster parents, mostly my foster father, they were messed up and thats all i can say about that. i always sort of felt bad for them, is that wrong? should i hate them? why would i ever feel bad for or want love from people who made me feel like crap? sorry, i am confused with these feelings.


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#228757 - 06/03/08 03:38 PM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Hey Justin... I want to add that you are brave, you are worthy and YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT for what happened to you! I know it is hard to believe that, but it is true.

When I disclosed about my abuse, I had a lot of inconsistencies in my mind. Some of it was chrystal clear, other parts were murky. But that overall feeling of shame and guilt was overwhelming. It has gotten a lot better with time and the work I am doing, but it is still there - healing is a process.

I loved my abuser, too. He was my best friend. I worshiped him. He, in my mind, was the coolest kid - he was 4 years older and he hung out with me... made me feel special and wanted and "cool".

The sex was only a part of our relationship - he was a good friend in other ways. We laughed, we went to movies, we talked, we started a lawn mowing business together in the neighborhood.... Also, parts of the abuse felt good... very good, and I looked forward to it sometimes. I felt a lot of guilt over enjoying it - and I blamed myself. I never blamed him.... now I do. Do I hate him? No, but I hate what he did. I hate that he made my life so hard. I hate that he must have been exposed to some abuse (from his father is my guess) that gave him the ideas to have intercourse with an 8 year old. I hate that he belittled me and told me I was a disgusting faggot and that I was going to hell because of the guild HE felt. I pity him... I am angry at him. But I do not hate him.

These are just thoughts off the top of my head, so sorry if they don't make sense.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#228770 - 06/03/08 05:13 PM Re: new here [Re: dannym]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Justin - I came back from my T today. I've been dealing with horrible flashbacks that come in different orders. It seems that when they finally stop, the brain will reorganized them to make sense. The brain does not release these horrible scenes in order only the scenes that the brain thinks you can handle at that time. Write these scenes and feelings down and get them out in a notebook and release them from your mind so they don't overpower you. It's okay to hate and love people at the same time. Most abusers are not totally bad or good. Many times they are good people who made bad choices, although those choices ruin our lives. I'm not into the hate thing or the blame game. I just want to move through this like you do.


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#228773 - 06/03/08 05:20 PM Re: new here [Re: LW1527]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Welcome Justin,
I wish you well on your journey of recovery.
There is a great group of guys here that can help guide you through this new world
as they have when I came here.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#228903 - 06/04/08 09:04 AM Re: new here [Re: GateKPR4]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
thanks for the support you all seem great. im not ready for all this.


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#228932 - 06/04/08 11:54 AM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
When you are we will be here for you. Remember you are not alone. It was not your fault ever. You can get past this but you will need help. You are worth it.


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#228964 - 06/04/08 02:08 PM Re: new here [Re: Freedom49]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
thanks. maybe i said that wrong when i said im not ready for all this i meant that im surprised by all this and i didnt expect all this.


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#228967 - 06/04/08 02:09 PM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
im sorry i have a hard time sometimes forming words, sentences, putting together things that make sense, too distracted sometimes and i think im saying what i mean but it comes out all wrong


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#228987 - 06/04/08 04:20 PM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Oh well good. I was surprised when I first came here by all the compassion and support I received too. I didn't know what to make of it but after 5 months I have realized it is all very real very sincere no strings attached. I still get warm fuzzys over it.


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#229023 - 06/04/08 08:51 PM Re: new here [Re: Freedom49]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I think we all get confused when we first come here Justin, it just seems too good to be true. It takes time but you have found the right place, take your time with everything and after a while it will sink in exactly what you have found.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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