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#228709 - 06/03/08 10:36 AM Re: new here [Re: dannym]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
no chat room no thanks


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#228715 - 06/03/08 10:58 AM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
how do you get over being so ashamed and guilty. i mean get over it enough to talk about it without hating yourself so bad


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#228717 - 06/03/08 11:12 AM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
Ask anything ya need too.


It's literally one step at a time. It's also realizing that the guilt and shame are not yours. We all feel it. Feel like it's ours, but it's not. It belongs to the abuser. It's his/her guilt and shame to bear.

Justin, you don't need to hold onto the guilt. It's not yours. The shame isn't yours either. I know it's not going to be a like a magic switch that you're going to throw and suddenly BOOM it's all gone. I still struggle with it, others who have been recovering a long time still deal with it. You're taking forward steps. Each time you take one, you've moving ahead.

Keep asking, keep talking. Each time it gets a tiny bit easier. You start with small things. Little things here and there. As you move ahead, you'll be able to share something a little bigger.

When I started this, I could not put the words sexual and abuse into the same sentence if that sentence related to me in any way shape or form. And forget saying directly that I was sexually abused. But there you have it, I just put em all together in a sentence. It's a bit by bit journey, and you'll have many here who can help you and lead you and lend you their strength.




Edited by JustScott (06/03/08 11:14 AM)

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#228728 - 06/03/08 12:27 PM Re: new here [Re: JustScott]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
yes its good that you can say that now. i cant even look at it. the thing you say about the guilt and shame not being mine, but what if it was my fault?


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#228748 - 06/03/08 01:55 PM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
That's a feeling that's shared amoung everyone here as well. We often feel like it is our fault. But you were just a kid. There's no way it was your fault. Even if somehow you can put together some kind of logic to make it your fault, it wasn't your fault. Kids are kids. Even if a kid things he's at fault, he's not. The adult is the one that knows better.

And even if your story is anything like mine (at least from what I've remembered so far) and there are no adults, I can guarantee you, there was an adult in there somewhere. The kids I was messed up with, learned from somewhere. Even if they learned from others kids, somewhere along the way, and adult taught it and it was passed.



Edited by JustScott (06/03/08 01:57 PM)

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#228753 - 06/03/08 03:16 PM Re: new here [Re: dannym]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Justin - you are brave. Whether you believe it or not, doesn't make it not true. You are brave just by sharing. Your brain might not understand that, but your heart does. It is not the big steps that make you brave, it is the small steps that make you braver.


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#228756 - 06/03/08 03:24 PM Re: new here [Re: LW1527]
Justintime Offline


Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 50
small steps i can do. i dont think i know what my story is or how id put it together even if i wanted to. where does it begin and where does it end i dont even know. who did what to whom and when, hard to say. everything is just sort of blurred into one big ugly mess.i do know, and am willing to say, that it was my foster parents, mostly my foster father, they were messed up and thats all i can say about that. i always sort of felt bad for them, is that wrong? should i hate them? why would i ever feel bad for or want love from people who made me feel like crap? sorry, i am confused with these feelings.


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#228757 - 06/03/08 03:38 PM Re: new here [Re: Justintime]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Hey Justin... I want to add that you are brave, you are worthy and YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT for what happened to you! I know it is hard to believe that, but it is true.

When I disclosed about my abuse, I had a lot of inconsistencies in my mind. Some of it was chrystal clear, other parts were murky. But that overall feeling of shame and guilt was overwhelming. It has gotten a lot better with time and the work I am doing, but it is still there - healing is a process.

I loved my abuser, too. He was my best friend. I worshiped him. He, in my mind, was the coolest kid - he was 4 years older and he hung out with me... made me feel special and wanted and "cool".

The sex was only a part of our relationship - he was a good friend in other ways. We laughed, we went to movies, we talked, we started a lawn mowing business together in the neighborhood.... Also, parts of the abuse felt good... very good, and I looked forward to it sometimes. I felt a lot of guilt over enjoying it - and I blamed myself. I never blamed him.... now I do. Do I hate him? No, but I hate what he did. I hate that he made my life so hard. I hate that he must have been exposed to some abuse (from his father is my guess) that gave him the ideas to have intercourse with an 8 year old. I hate that he belittled me and told me I was a disgusting faggot and that I was going to hell because of the guild HE felt. I pity him... I am angry at him. But I do not hate him.

These are just thoughts off the top of my head, so sorry if they don't make sense.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#228770 - 06/03/08 05:13 PM Re: new here [Re: dannym]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Justin - I came back from my T today. I've been dealing with horrible flashbacks that come in different orders. It seems that when they finally stop, the brain will reorganized them to make sense. The brain does not release these horrible scenes in order only the scenes that the brain thinks you can handle at that time. Write these scenes and feelings down and get them out in a notebook and release them from your mind so they don't overpower you. It's okay to hate and love people at the same time. Most abusers are not totally bad or good. Many times they are good people who made bad choices, although those choices ruin our lives. I'm not into the hate thing or the blame game. I just want to move through this like you do.


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#228773 - 06/03/08 05:20 PM Re: new here [Re: LW1527]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Welcome Justin,
I wish you well on your journey of recovery.
There is a great group of guys here that can help guide you through this new world
as they have when I came here.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
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