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#228398 - 06/01/08 09:54 PM I just don't know
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Pastor at my church has been preaching on service to God and experiencing His grace and power. Today he got to some of the 'heavier' parts of his message. Basically he looked out at the congregation and said "Why are you whining about your past? Your past is 20 years ago. Get over it. Let God remove it from you and get on with your life. Your whining will prohibit any real service." He went on to say other things, but, for some reason, I don't remember much else.

i'd be angry if a large part of me didn't agree with what he said. i've always wondered why God didn't remove the pain - or give me back the memories so i had a reason for the pain, could grieve, and get on with it.

For the past four years i have been their Worship Minister. From what i heard today, i think maybe it's time i stepped down. Funny thing - there was a church in Alaska that was talking about hiring me full time to be their Director of Fine Arts. i dropped them an email today, told them basically because of my CSA i didn't think i was the right person for the job, and that they need to find someone else.

Part of me thinks i should be angry. At myself - at my pastor - at God - at SOMEONE. But instead i'm numb. It's like "so what" - it didn't really matter anyhoo. I recognize that attitude - that's how i survived the years growing up.

Except i didn't grow up. i'm still a little boy hiding in the back of the closet hoping to live to see morning without new pain.

i've always said this is "why it's called faith". Now i'm wondering if i even HAVE any. or if any of it even matters.

m


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#228407 - 06/01/08 11:03 PM Re: I just don't know [Re: MarkK]
christianfather Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
I know how you feel. I even lost my church and minister because they didn't know how to deal with me.

Lately I feel like a little boy scared and hoping to live another day or for some one to rescue me. A few months ago I lost my faith and feel lost, isolated and alone.


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#228417 - 06/01/08 11:47 PM Re: I just don't know [Re: christianfather]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Christianfather
We have all at one time or another prayed "Lord I believe, help my unbelief". He will accept that and build on it if you let him.


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#228483 - 06/02/08 09:43 AM Re: I just don't know [Re: christianfather]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: christianfather
Lately I feel like a little boy scared and hoping to live another day or for some one to rescue me. A few months ago I lost my faith and feel lost, isolated and alone.

Yes. Exactly. Except i've pretty much given up hope for anyone to "rescue" me. IF there is anyway out of this hell - it will be up to me to find it and get out. Yeah, yeah - others can be signposts and point the way THEY TOOK - and maybe it will help. But maybe it won't.

What is killing me right now is i feel like i've lost my hope, my faith, my will to follow God. i still believe in Him, still believe He is the Creator and Giver of Life. My Savior, Redeemer, and Keeper of my soul. But i no longer feel Him near. And THAT is a feeling that is ripping me apart.

m


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#228487 - 06/02/08 10:06 AM Re: I just don't know [Re: MarkK]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
This topic has sure hit home for me at this point in my life/journey.

I have been questioning my faith in God recently more than ever. It is very evident that I am not living a Christian Life, like I am sure, that God wants me to live. Ever since my break-up with my GF, my emotions and actions are not grounded in christianity.

So this is where the "I just don't know" comes into my life. I am feeling like God is to blame for my present situation. I just don't know how much more pressure I can take before "cracking". I feel my cup of problems is full. My determination that I always feel I had is getting the best of me.

I hear you Mark, I do not feel near to God. I know he is there and I continue to pray and ask for help. But I am thinking because I am such a jerk/idiot that he is not even listening to me. Really need to try and get my life back on track. Boy, easier said than done.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#228558 - 06/02/08 06:27 PM Re: I just don't know [Re: KENKEN]
ktaylor7 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: South Carolina
M.
I think your pastor was way off base. You can not just forget your past, no matter how long ago it was. If his wife had been raped, he probably would not tell her to just get over it.

God usually does not just snap his fingers and make our hurts go away. He usually will take us through recovery always being there to help us through. On the other end of recovery you will understand why God took you through it.

I had to confess to my pastor that I had acted out sexually and he forgave me. He knows my story and he accepts me just the way I am. I know CSA is not something men talk about but there are lots of men out there that are victims.

My church has a Celebrate Recovery ministry with a group specifically for CSA. We say, "you are as sick as your secrets." You can find a CR group close to you at celebraterecovery.com.

_________________________
Ken T.

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#228577 - 06/02/08 07:49 PM Re: I just don't know [Re: ktaylor7]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
i was being considered for a full time position in a different church - just this past week. they wanted to know if there were any emotional issues that might pose problems. i told them i am recovering from CSA - but there are still issues that crop up.

i am not getting the position. CSA is the issue. AND the pastor of this new church tells me one of his children was molested by a relative in the past and he (the pastor) understands i have a long, painful road ahead in recovery; but he will pray God restores me to being whole.

...

if you had a pastor forgive you - i consider you very fortunate.

thank you or the website referral ... biy i don't think my trust is anywhere close to me opening up to any one else in the church. any church.


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#228582 - 06/02/08 08:00 PM Re: I just don't know [Re: MarkK]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Mark,

I'm probably the last one to be responding to a post about spirituality, but I think the words of your Pastor were terribly unfair to you and probably to a tremendous amount of others. Telling someone to forget about their past and just "get over it and move on" is not only ridiculous, it's cruel. Our past shapes our now and our future. Are we only supposed to remember and praise and build on what was good? The concept is impossible. It was all there and it all happened and all anyone can do is work with it, good or bad.

I hope you get through this Mark and can see that at the very least, the man mis-spoke and at worst, he's a foolish man to believe what he said.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#228584 - 06/02/08 08:06 PM Re: I just don't know [Re: Trish4850]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
i hear stories from people who have had "miracles" worked in their lives when they turn to God or ask for His help. drug addicts completely cured of addiction. diseases healed. compulsive behaviors stopped.

i'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me. how am i not asking right? what am i doing wrong?

i am hung by my own belief that says faith can move mountains.


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#228620 - 06/02/08 10:06 PM Re: I just don't know [Re: MarkK]
Pete2004 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina
Hey Mark:

It is easy for someone who has not walked in our shoes to say "just get over it". They don't know how deep within our being most of us want to "get over it".

It may be an appropriate admonition for someone who is wallowing in unforgiveness towards someone, or who had a difficult upbringing or had a financial or personal tragedy.

Mark, I spent 30 years, just trying to "just get over it". While I was able to develop some coping skills, the deep dark secrets and the raw urges to act out were always just below the surface.

While there are those who experience immediate life changing release, I feel this is the rare exception rather than the rule. Why does God allow this? It is a question that I want to ask Him one day. But until that day, we have to trust and do the best that we can.

Mark, I lived the "just get over it" mode of life. Taking every ounce of strength to appear normal, that is no way to live. I want freedom from this CSA and I believe with all my heart that we are on the correct path.

Concerning "Faith Can Move Mountains", yes it can, I am not exactly sure how to respond except to say, When we pray for God's will and His blessing, then we release "our ways to His ways". In your heart of hearts, is God calling you to instant release or a more measured and incremental release from this prison?

Allowing God to speak into those dark places in our soul is terrifying and shameful, I speak from experience my friend. Sometimes my prayers have been Lord, I am willing -to be willing -to be willing to (you fill in the blank). I wasn't even willing to allow myself to become willing to open up about the CSA. It has been a long 4 years running away from recovery once He showed me it was what I needed and a really good (and scary) 1 year in recovery.

Even though you feel like you are stuck or falling backward, I can tell that you are better today than last year.

Hang in there and don't let an uninformed or misdirected comment become a stumbling block to recovery.

Love ya man,

Peter

_________________________
There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

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