ouch! is my initial reaction to your post. i've worked in music ministry full-time for 23 years, and some of the most dysfunctional people i know are 'spiritual leaders'. truth is, mostly they are mere humans, stewards of the creators purpose, they poop, have a tendency to smell funny, wake up in the moring with sheet face, no more or less importance than you and i, the president, or the waste management engineer. religion, in my NSHO is the elephant in the cosmic room and as such has a tendency to overinflate the importance of its purpose as an institution; many of the folks i mentioned earlier have huge egos. then again, so do a lot of non religious people too.
at any rate, blah blah blah.......
i remain unimpressed with the rantings of religious zealots who have cultivated a penchant for trivializing an incredibly complex process by watering it down to matter of 'getting over it'. pompous asses!
here's my experience: god does not 'take things away' from people. he engages them in an exchange: he holds out his hand, and allows things to be given. sometimes the things are given instantly, but for me, the exchange involved a loooong process of many years. it involved a lot of work on my part. there were stages to the surrendering process. sorta like: on your mark, get ready, get set and .............um,...........get ready, get set,......um, on your mark.......GO! no, wait a minute......on your mark......etc
sounds like you're somewhere right in the thick of it!
i think what glares at me most in reading this post, and correct me if i am misconstruing what i read between the lines, but, you seem to have an attitude that 'some day, when i am worthy, i'll deserve to work at that special job'. as if to say ' well, since i'm broken, i'm not good enough to be of service using the unique talent i was given to serve the world'. i mean, is that really our call to make? do we really see ourselves as so unworthy that we can't allow ourselves to honor the gifts we were given to share with the world? at what point do we become worthy enough?
hey wait a minute! why not NOW!
more of my experience: pain is a given; we are here for the crucible, so one of my most important tasks in life, with god's help, has been to change my attitude towards the pain. the notion of pain lives in the shadow part of me that drives my life and makes most of the decisions that impact my life, form and shape my life, and so that's where i am learning to spend most of my reflective time.
+ be mad [we have a right to be]
+ be numb [all you can do is accept this as where you are right now, and accept that this too shall pass]
+ be scared [but don't forget you are not alone]
keep the faith brother,