I'm new to this forum, and to working on getting on with what happened to me. I read a few threads a couple of nights ago and a few other stories, stayed up until 5:30 in the morning, but I couldn't yet get myself to post my own story until now, I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't write.
I am 20 years old, just finished my third year at U.T. Austin. The day before I came home for the summer I had a few drinks with my girlfriend and we watched a movie, I don't know if it was the alcohol, or if it was the feeling inside of me that I needed to scream and talk about what happened to me but I told her everything that had happened to me when I was a child.
From what I can best remember my oldest sister (now 28 I think) sexually abused me from the time I was 5 until I was 10 I believe. Growing up my biological father was physically abusive to my mom, my two older sisters and me. I can't really remember this though, my mother left him when I was six and she moved to the U.S. (I'm originally from Mexico) leaving us with my grandparents who didn't want us because they where highly conservative and did not believe in divorce. We stayed with them for only half a year after which my mother came and found a way to get us across the border.
During the time we where with my grandparents, I believe my sister first sexually abused me in the large concrete outhouse where the shower was, I was 5 at this time I believe. I remember being slightly aroused, or something similar, but also very confused. I now realize that my father must have also sexually assaulted my older sister, since she would have been 13 and I can't think of any reason for why she would do it to me.
After we crossed the border we lived in Matamoros, (a border town by Brownsville) for about a month while my mother made arrangements to get us further up north where she was, by this time she had already met my step father. He helped her get us to Houston where we stayed with my uncle, my mother, my older sisters and me. We where there for about 3 months and then we moved to Lancaster, just south of Dallas, with my step father. During this time my mother and step-father where both working so they left my oldest sister (now 28) to take care of me and my older sister (who is now 22). While they where gone my oldest sister (28) would make me and my sister (22) clean the house for her and do whatever else she wanted, when my now 22 year old sister objected my oldest sister (28) would beat her up and drag her across the hall by her hair to the bedroom and leave her there, from time to time she would also take me and lock herself with me in one of the rooms and sexually abuse me.
I don't remember how long we lived at that house but shortly after we moved to Dallas near the city, we went through 3 different houses, the first was a small, run down house, the second was large by comparison but it burned down not to long after we had lived there when the water heater exploded, my first little sister was also born during this time. We lived in an apartment for a short while and then moved into the current house we live in now when I was 9, my smallest sister was born during this time. I'm not completely sure but I think my sister began to abuse me more frequently during this time, perhaps it only seems that way since it is the time least far away. Some time when I was 10 I believe, my sister tried to get me to go with her to her room but I refused and she gave up and from then stopped bothering me.
My mother and my oldest sister would argue a lot for unrelated issues, I suppose living with my biological father had affecter my oldest sister the most and she was very troubled during her teens and ran away a couple of times. after her graduation from high school she got married to the guy she went to prom with, they moved out for a while but soon they got divorced and she moved back in. At some point her and my mother got into a big argument and my oldest sister left, called to cops to come take her stuff and never came back. We have not heard from her since, it has been about 6 or 7 years I believe.
After that I became very confused, I looked at my little sister strangely one time when I was 11 or 12 but right away I turned away and told myself that they would never go through anything like that. I never had any wrong ideas about them after that but I did other things to myself with my oldest sister dildo about a month before she left the last time and I fondled our dogs a couple of times. This stopped when she left but I continued to masturbate chronically and began to watch a lot of pornography for a while after that until my junior and senior year of high school when I began to be more open and trusting for a short time. When I moved to Austin to go to school I felt the pangs of loneliness that the usual freshman feels but with it came back all the other pain and I began to feel depressed and lost.
For a long time I did not really think about what had happened with my oldest sister other than that she had run away but it was always at the back of my head and I guess I always just suppressed it. I have resolved the issues I had with my biological father as my mother, sister (22) stepfather and I talked about it while we where growing up, but I still felt this anger and this pain inside of me that I always attributed to the abuse of my father, I guess I never heard of women sexually abusing men so in a way I refused to think of what had happened to me as that. I felt the pain and blamed it on my father from time to time but what my father did and the pain I felt never really went together in my gut. When I think about my father I feel sorry that we had to go through that but I don't feel like it holds me back or debilitates me.
As time progressed I communicated less and less with my family and I continued to become more depressed and closed in but I tried to fight it, I thought it was because of my father and I would tell myself that I could not let it get to me, but it didn't help. Recently I began to become more and more closed in, and I began to feel very pressured and depressed and as I watched my grades suffer I began to feel very inept and downright stupid. Like I said, three weeks ago I just spilled out, though I know not under the best circumstances I don't regret it, it made me realize that it bothered me and for the first time I placed where it was that this pain inside of me was coming from. Shortly after my 28 year old sister moved out, my 22 year old sister told my mom that my 28 year old sister used to hit her and they talked about it and I can see that it made her stronger.
I feel ready to tell my parents and older sister, my older sister first because I feel close to her, but I know that many advise therapy first. I don't have the finances to go to a therapist and I'm sure there are some at school that I can talk to for free but the summer just began and I really feel I need to talk about it to them now. I just would like to know what you guys think, should I tell them now or wait until I talk to a therapist? I want to get through this, I'm tired of all the difficulty it has caused me without me even knowing, I'm tired of being closed in and not trusting people, I want to be able to tell my parents things like my sister does.
I realize that the way I feel now may be due to the fact that I will be graduating from college in a year and I feel like this point in my life is pivotal to my future, it may be a rash decision to talk to my family about it at this time since I have just begun to confront it but I'm afraid that if I don't it will continue to hold me back when I'm alone at school and my grades will continue to suffer. I'm afraid I wont be able to get into graduate school if I don't confront it now. I also feel sometimes like I am being silly, making to much out of nothing, that it should not be such a big problem for me and I get angry at myself that I'm doing this, but I realize that this may be due to what happened with my sister as well. Nevertheless, I still can't help the feeling.
My sister has come home for the weekend and I really want to tell her today.