hey guys,
i know this is a pretty basic question, but im interested in your responses and how you go about it. i was wondering when and how you tell people you are poz? (people you are interested in dating and/or having sex with.) i mean, yeah before you have sex you shoudl tell, but do you do it before you really know the person to spare the heart break? or do you let them get to know you first so they dont jsut write you off. do you have a ritual way of telling them? something planned out? or is it case by case?

My man:

My disease is not the same thing as HIV, but can be fatal also. It can be transmitted sexually. I found out that I was Hep-C positive and even got a letter from the County health department two months before my follow-up testing was done and I got an appointment with my new specialist.

It was fairly early in my relatonship with my wife. We had only been dating for a couple of months. I basically clammed-up or was in denial the entire time between the first test and when the follow-up results were discussed. It was just like what had happened from my CSA but I was a 48 year old adult by then. I was really afraid of loosing her if I told her.

I knew that I had to tell her. So when I left the specialist's office I called her up and I told her in an emotional way what was going on. I did not tell her that I had covered it up for two months. I believe that the two months made a big difference whether she might have left or decided to stay. We are still together almost two years later.

She got herself tested and was negative, though the incubation time frame is 15 years or more, according to the Mayo Clinic's website. My fingernails are staying very short thinking about the what if's. In some States a person who doesn't reveal critical medical information to their sexual partners can be prosecuted for assault.

It is a really tough question. If you tell them upfront most of them run for the door. Do you use protection, at least at first? How long after a relationship starts should you take that chance and how should you respond? I know, it really hurts to be alone. Where do you draw the line?

Trucker Mark

Fortunately I did not contract the disease but I had to be tested for it multiple times because of how prevalent(sp?) it is in the Black Community. I have to deal with various other STD's that I did contract...which suck because I never got a proper chance to protect myself. My parents had to be informed because I was minor.

...it's a tough question you are asking. My cousin took a class called HIV/AIDS Ethics and Issues and they spoke about if a Doc. should tell their patient they have HIV/AIDs.

I guess it's all up to the person. Maybe you should tell if you are going to have sex?

This is a rough one, that's for sure. One part of me sees it as a crystal clear matter of a "right to know". When I begin to see someone in any way in which there is going to be intimate contact, I have a right to expect that the other person is in basic good health. If that's not the case, I need to know. I just DO need to know. Period.

But I do understand how this looks from the perspective of the person who is HIV+. Saying what I just said above is tantamount to condemning the HIV+ person to the status of sexual pariah for the rest of his life.

But doesn't the question ultimately come down to one of whether one person's right to live is more important than someone else's need for sex?

Much love,
Larry

Once when I was a taxicab driver back in 1991, I picked up a flag on a busy street early one evening. It was a 30-something African-American woman. She wanted to go to NE Denver. The fare on the meter was $18. When we got there she didn't have any money and wanted to pay in trade. She opened her shirt and pulled her pants down to her knees. The odor wasn't good. She was soaking wet. Her panties were really dirty. I played with her chest but it wasn't a good situation so I let her go.

Two weeks later there she was on the 10:00 News. She was the prostitute with AIDS. The State was prosecuting her for over a dozen counts of a serious assault charge. She had been busted for failing to tell customers of her HIV status. 17 years ago.

I hope that it helps you answer your question.

Trucker Mark

larry, yeah i get that they have a right to know and that is more important than my need for sex. its not that i wont tell it. its when. if im dating someone, i usually dont tell them on the first date. and we wont have sex. i want him to get to know me i guess. to make his own choice based on my status, but also me as a person.

trucker, haha i will make it a point to only deal with prostitutes with clean panties. interesting tho. i didn't know you could get busted for it.

Just to elaborate on the same moral principle:

I was (don't laugh!) browsing through some singles ads, and this one woman said, up front and right away, that she had herpes. I was like eeewwwww and couldn't hit the backspace button fast enough, right? BUT, I admired the fact the she brought it up and put it out there right away, rather than playing perspective partners and going through the usual nuances of socializing (which takes time) and deciding to get to know/meet the person, only to find out that she has that.

There are both straight and gay personal ads here in Denver where std status is mentioned up front.

Jarrad: I got the idea from the limited information available that there was something wrong with her. It looked like maybe she had just come from a trick or hadn't had a bath in quite some time, or maybe even was homeless. To me it looked like the lower end of the streetwalker class or worse. There seemed to be a real lack of personal respect for herself involved.

Trucker Mark

well yeah, on personal ads, or ads for hustlers they list std status. but its so easy to lie on that. testing isn't required.

Just like with everything else, my man. I know, that question kind of ruins spontaneity. But it isn't the 1970s anymore either. In my nice suburban neighborhood there was some perp trolling on MySpace with a fake profile. They didn't find out until after there were several teenage victims.

Be cool and stay safe, my man.

Hey, Jarrad-
First of all, i'm not + for any STDs, so i can't really speak from experience, obviously. I figured i'd toss my two cents in anyway, i hope you don't mind.
My thought would be to try and feel them them out through some casual conversation, to get an idea of their general attitude toward it, early on. If they seem like the type that would run screaming for the hills, then you could avoid a potentially unpleasant situation. It helps to pay attention to unconscious behavior, because some people will claim to be OK with something, but when it comes down to it, it becomes obvious that they really aren't...
Generally, I would say "the sooner, the better"- but "case by case" too; after all, who wants to enjoy that special feeling of watching your potential date make hurried excuses to end things early, etc.?
Sorry if you think i shouldn't have stuck my nose in, but it's a good question, and i hope you find a good answer.

you can stick your nose here. anyone can. thanks for the feedback. makes sense.

Jarrad, you know my status, so for the rest of you; I am HIV- and my partner is HIV+. He told me about his status right up front, on our first meeting. I was attracted to him, both physically and intellectually, so I didn't run for the hills like some people would. Boy, am I glad I didn't. We've been together for almost 7 years. I'm still negative, BTW.

I will not deny that his health has caused some problems in our relationship, but no LTR is ever perfect or without problems. When we met, and when I decided to continue seeing him, I knew I would have to modify my sexual practices, and that is a compromise I was willing to make. As for his longevity; the way I looked at it was, "Well, he or I could also get hit by a bus at any time..." At that time, I didn't care if we had a day, a year or a decade, I knew they would be good. And they have been.

HIV is not a death sentence, and it doesn't have to mean the death of your sex life either. Yes, it changes things, and that is a choice that both partners must make freely and with all the necessary information.

Back to the original question of when to tell; There is a point in every relationship, whether it is someone you meet in a bar or someone you've known for years, where one or both of your feelings may change from platonic friendship to sexual interest. It may be immediate (like with my hubby and me) or it might not ever happen at all. In my opinion, that is the point where you must disclose anything that should be disclosed.

If you have a platonic friend, you don't ever have to tell them unless there is a chance of their being exposed through some other event like an injury or if they want to use your toothbrush or fingernail clippers. On the other hand, if you pick up a guy in a bar for the intent of having sex, you really must tell them beforehand. Likewise, if your best friend whom you've never slept with suddenly comes on to you, that's when you have to tell them.

That's my considered opinion.

Lazarus