I have been on here on and off for the a few years now. I find a lot of understanding and support here on MS. For that i am extremely thankful.

That being said. I want to know if there are any men on here who struggles or have insight into what i am about to disclose. I do need to talk about it. I am greatly ashamed of this and need to stop this behaviour before it gets out of hand. It is damaging to me in many ways—much more than just physical. I really am my worst enemy at times.

I penetrate myself with objects. I have used various metal rods, a few toothbrushes, razors, various sized batteries, rocks, brooms, glass bottles & candles before. It started at the age of fifteen with shells and ended a few weeks ago with vibrating razors. I have done much damage to myself because of this not to mention the risks i am taking. Is there anyone on here who has dealt with this before and are receiving treatment for it? Any advice would be appreciated.

I were violently raped at the age of eleven/twelve by our neighbors son. Prior to this he would penetrate me and pull out only to do it again. He molested me from a very young age and the abuse/raped ended when i turned thirteen.

thanks

ps. i do not have the heart to tell my therapist about this. i do not even have the heart to speak about the rapes and but i have forced myself to speak about the molestations.

Liam you might be able to PM Ken Singer about this and he might have some good advice on how to open up to your T.

That said it is not unusual for a victim when he is free of the abuse to want to re enact in order to try and understand it. To try to approach it from the abusers point of view in order to gain some control or feeling of control in a totally out of control situation such as rape. This just may be a obsessive compulsive thing that can be treated very sucessfully. Your T can help you understand. Knowledge is power and you need to know that is why you posted. Thanks for doing that. I know that took a lot of courage and I hope you get some good replies and suggestions here. Hang in there.

Liam,

Your therapist is a professional and if she/he has dealt with other survivors of CSA and rape then they'll know that all sorts of coping behaviours are deveoped to deal with the trauma. Be honest with your T, it's nothing that they haven't heard before and they are not judgmental. Write it out on a piece of paper and refer to it if you need to, but letting this secret out into the open will allow your T to help you heal. It's not your shame that you were molested and raped, it's the abusers.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

Hi Liam,

First, let me say how courageous I know you are for being able to open up here like this and talk about this. I know it must have been incredibly difficult to hit that SEND key. Roger and Steve have given excellent advice above. I, too, would encourage you to talk to your T about this, however difficult that may be. He/she should be able to help you with this. And Steve's point about your T having heard it all before is well taken - my T told me the same thing once.

Hang in there, man, and I'm glad you're confronting this.

Liam:
The advice and insight you got here is right on target. The self-abuse is a way to have control over the abuse that was done to you. Unfortunately, it's just re-enacting the abuse (except this time it's you in charge instead of the abuser).

I agree that your T is the person to talk to. An experienced T will likely have heard this before. If not, s/he can still help you explore what it means and hopefully find other ways to self-stimulate in a healthier way.

Liam,

When I began therapy I was crushed at the very idea of telling her all the things that had happned to me, and things I had done as a result of abuse. But she was a great T and saw how uncomfortable I was. Her answer was to suggest that I write things down in a kind of long survivor story; that way I didn't need to tell her face to face. Eventually I got comfortable enough that I could do that too, but writing it all down was a useful way to start.

And yes, your T will have heard it all before, or at least will be well prepared.

Much love,
Larry

Liam - If you feel uncomfortable with your T, you might consider finding another one who has experience. I have had both female and male. I will tell things to a male therapist that I won't to a female. I still have problems telling my male therapist things, so he lets me email him and then we discuss the emails at my session. It's a great way to express without feeling too exposed when saying something. In addition, I understand what you are going through. I did it for several years myself and didn't know why. All my life I seemed to be reinacting my abuse. I stopped a couple of years ago. I think what you and I have done and experienced is normal for what we have been through. I don't think there should be any shame about it.

in the mean time, while you are working up to telling your T, you might want to swtich to objects made for that purpose. There are a lot of anal toys in the market that are safer. anal beads, dildos, rods, wands etc.. they are all designed for anal penetration, but dont have sharp edges that can do damange. if pain is the reason you choose those objects, anal toys can also create pain depending on size but are designed so you won't "lose them" up there. and if you have a hard enough time telling your T, i hope you won't end up in the emerency room when something goes missing. if you want recomendations on brand and style and purpose of the toys, let me know.

Liam,

It sounds like you are getting closer to that point of being able to work through this issue. I am amazed (and proud of you) that you chose to trust us here and disclose this. As others have said, that would have been very difficult.

Thankyou for trusting us and sharing this struggle with us. I’m sure others here will benefit from your openness.

I look forward to hearing of your progress on this issue. Take care of yourself as best you can.

thank you guys - your the best