Today I am triggered and these feelings I am very familiar with. The questions once again come and go, Am I attracted to men or women? Useless to answer the questions and labels don't fit anyways. Am I living a lie? None of this matters whatsoever and yet I replay it in my mind. This is not as intense as before THNAK GOD. I can feel a slight pressure in my chest and this all comes after I engaged in sex with a woman on Monday. Do I love her? Nope, just met her 3 months ago as a matter of fact. It was a simple sexual encounter, it just complicated life immensely.
Meaningless sex some might call it, maybe that is why I feel the way I do. Used for sex just like so many years ago. An object in the eyes of the world. These emotions were not validated by the physical experience, it was followed 2 days later with feelings of vulnerability and possibly guilt. I caught myself masturbating to relieve some of the stress and it's no surprise that I seek out porn more also.
I still use these defense mechanisms as a way to release, I know it's not healthy and yet it feels right. Just let me break through this cycle. So here I am wondering again only this time I had 25 good days and 5 bad ones. It's not a bad average I guess.
I am the warrior.