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#227891 - 05/30/08 05:15 PM Sexually confused dreams (triggering)
KenJ Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/08/08
Posts: 7
Loc: pennsylvania
I've been having some disturbing dreams that seem in some ways to be related to sexual identity. Also in many ways the most sexual dreams that I've been having, not sure what that means.

Not sure if this is the right place to talk about things, but I seem to find it easier to get things slowly written over a long length of time.

I've had one of and on for awhile, the other 2 have started occurring lately.

The oddest part about the dreams is that in them I am female. I don't feel like I am a female trapped in a man's body or anything. Sometimes what our culture would consider the "female" outlook on sexuality fits me more. But in the non-sexual arena, definitely comfortable with being male.

Triggering -- multiple people - kind of explicit.



So in the dream that I've had for awhile (although remembering it more frequently) I've basically morphed into a woman with the same base body type as me, average looking. I invite a couple of male friends over for dinner. When they arrive I'm dressed in a low-cut top and a short skirt, nothing on underneath and not being "careful" about how I move.

After the dinner I end up asking them to be with me. Basically the dream then follows the course of me pleasing these guys. I enjoy things, and it is all comfortable and consensual. But the biggest thing seems to be me using my body to bring them pleasure. This is definitely a "good feeling" dream at the first level. If I wake up during it there are clear signs that it arouses me (even when I'm having trouble with that normally).


The second variant is like the first, but involves me wearing sexy lingerie rather than nothing underneath. This has only shown up in the past 6 months or so. I'm not usually a ligerie type person. Possibly due to it being part of what He did. I seem to enjoy being seen as sexy in it.



Tirggering don't know how to describe it.


The third dream is really weird. As part of what happened he told me how a woman would be put-off by my body. By my deficiencies (I was 12 at the time), etc. Well in this dream, I'm still the same female, but the partner is myself. Parts of (the male) me are more like they were when I was 12. I (the female me) feel for some reason obligated to do things. I spend the while dream (until I wake up) feeling disgust over touching something like that, feeling turned-off, nauseated, disgusted that (the male me) can't respond right. The whole thing is a "just get this over with" thing. When part of the male me aren't "working" the female me is just desperately looking for some way to get things going and over with.







I don't know how to take these dreams.

Are they signs that I identify sexually with women? Are they signs that I want to try things with men? Are they my mind trying to come up with a way for me to be sexually desirable? Are they part of me listening to him, hearing him say that I couldn't please someone as a male, I should try to please them like a female? Are they me putting sexual pleasure for others above my own? Why are they becoming more pronounced? Does this mean that I want to be a "sl*t"? Is this all things working through themselves? Should I feel ashamed for having such thoughts? What part of this is the me that would have been and what part of this is because of what happened? Are they signs that I'm just so screwed up that I shouldn't even try? Sometimes I feel like if people knew what was inside, everyone would quickly move away.

Do other men have dreams like this?

Ken


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#228458 - 06/02/08 07:03 AM Re: Sexually confused dreams (triggering) [Re: KenJ]
delta.tetra Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 108
Loc: Netherlands
Hello Ken,

"Do other men have dreams like this?"

Of course! Please do not assume you are alone.

"Are they signs that I'm just so screwed up that I shouldn't even try?"

I don't think so. I cannot believe that what we dream says anything at all about who we are when we are awake. Perhaps the horrid dreams may be an indication of some 'unresolved torment' inside, but say nothing about your life as an adult person.

Here's my recurring horrid dream I can't stand having, it is tough:

I'm naked in a huge swimming pool full of male and female babies (there is no water. I'd assume the babies underneath are going to be crushed, but we are in hell where we get tormented but never die.) These babies are all struggling and moving like little babies do, and as an adult body is much larger than the babies, a naked adult in hell will tend to sink underneath the naked babies and be crushed on the pool floor, unable to breath, unable to move, but unable to die. The only way to breathe in the baby-pool is to swim to the surface, but I cannot swim in living babies. In the dream I find a sword or other large-bladed weapon on the pool-floor, and I must turn the babies into soup and then swim in the red soup. It's the only way to survive, cutting up all the babies into soup. It's horrid the way those little helpless bodies crawl over my flesh. Some naked baby is always touching me somewhere embarrassing if I'm dreaming totally immersed in babies. Chopping them up makes me feel so horrid! But when I awake I find myself absolutely certain that whatever my dream says about me, it isn't telling me what I want to do in my waking life.

I felt so ashamed and cut off from humanity about my dreams for years, but last week in my drug-addicts therapy-group I told them of my dream - expecting rejection. But nobody made any assumption about me, based on the content of my dream. That surprised me! That was truly a healing moment when I realised I could tell my nasty truth and not be found a nasty person, because nobody believes the content of the dream is the truth about me.

Finally about "Why are they becoming more pronounced?"

I believe we only get just as much shit as we can handle at any particular moment. If you are having these dreams more now perhaps it your body saying you are now strong enough, to know these dreams. You are capable of healing, and the thoughts you have in your mind, will never be able to destroy you.

"Should I feel ashamed for having such thoughts?"

No Ken - you shouldn't! You have been very brave sharing your dreams with us here, this is a good sign for your future: you are living proof that you were NOT turned into something base and valueless by your abusers. The shame is theirs, not yours.

all the best

Steve


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#228909 - 06/04/08 09:23 AM Re: Sexually confused dreams (triggering) [Re: delta.tetra]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Wow. These are some VERY interesting dreams.

I'm sorry that they might be disturbing you guys in any way, but I find them to be intellectually intriguing. I have a friend who has (or at least used to have) dreams that were torturous and disturbing who would find Steve's very interesting.

I hope this is not taken the wrong way.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#228925 - 06/04/08 11:22 AM Re: Sexually confused dreams (triggering) [Re: KenJ]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Quote:
Are they signs that I identify sexually with women? Are they signs that I want to try things with men? Are they my mind trying to come up with a way for me to be sexually desirable? Are they part of me listening to him, hearing him say that I couldn't please someone as a male, I should try to please them like a female? Are they me putting sexual pleasure for others above my own? Why are they becoming more pronounced? Does this mean that I want to be a "sl*t"? Is this all things working through themselves? Should I feel ashamed for having such thoughts? What part of this is the me that would have been and what part of this is because of what happened? Are they signs that I'm just so screwed up that I shouldn't even try? Sometimes I feel like if people knew what was inside, everyone would quickly move away.

Do other men have dreams like this?


Ken,
I am not a therapist nor a specialist in dreams so take this for what it is worth. If it feels right then ok.

I am not familiar with your story so I am not completely clear on what happened but I think I get the gist based on your dreams.
I think not only were you sexually abused and that was bad enough but you perp did a number on your head too. By telling you those things and ridiculing your body at a very impressional and young age he set you up for some serious gender confusion.

You are a man. You know you are a man and you like being a man. But when it comes to sex you feel you should be used aa a female because you have been told you cannot please another person as a man. That is a lie. You are dreaming your fears. You are trying to make sense in your sub concious of your abuse during your dreams.
Since you have started dealing with your abuse this has come to the forfront of your mind and in your dreams are you trying to understand your place sexually as a man. You take on the image of a woman but you secretly fear it is still not enough to be a woman.
There is much pain and shame here. It is all misplaced and should be on your perp not you. You are perfectly fine as a man above and below the waist. This guy did a terrible thing to a little boy. Not only did he rape him, which is true whether he penetrated you or not, but attempted to destroy your sense of maleness. Now you are having dreams about how to survive and please a partner sexually when you feel so emasculated.

A good sex or CSA therapist can help you sort all of this out if you share this with them. You are ok Ken, you are not alone, you have just had terrible things done to your body but worse to your mind. You can recover and have a healthy sex life but it will take some work. It is worth it though. YOU are worth it. Thank you for sharing this. It was not your fault or your shame.



Edited by Freedom49 (06/04/08 11:26 AM)

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#229081 - 06/05/08 02:33 AM Re: Sexually confused dreams (triggering) [Re: Freedom49]
delta.tetra Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 108
Loc: Netherlands
hello

I thought I'd come and give a small update...

After getting this dream again for two nights I awoke with a firm conviction that this particular dream relates directly to two messy abortions my first partner had of my babies without telling me anything about it, more than 20 years ago. I didn't mention those abortions to anybody for years and years. I've discussed this in detail with my therapists and they also think there is a connection. Its a big source of sorrow and guilt for me, I often think of my unborn children with regret. I think the helplessness shows through, out of my control, my children had to be killed. They are suggesting that EMDR treatment may help me get over this trauma. I'll see!

all the best

Steve


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#252877 - 10/04/08 02:41 AM Re: Sexually confused dreams (triggering) [Re: delta.tetra]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 03:42 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world."

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#252883 - 10/04/08 05:11 AM Re: Sexually confused dreams (triggering) [Re: KenJ]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
The simplest answer is always the best one. The female you in the dream is not as important as how it is she behaves and what it is she does. Subtract the female personna and what you are left with is you and your unresolved sexuality.

What the she does and how the she behaves - her allure to other people, her confidence, her assuredness that she can please & take pleasure - all of these aspects are your subconscious attempting to get you to acknowledge that you are ready to repair this part of your broken sexuality so as to become more fully integrated. In other words the spirit in which she behaves is how you are wanting to express yourself as part of your healthy sexuality.

The reason that you are she in your dream has nothing to do sexual identity confusion, you are simply using a mask behind which to hide in order to allow yourself to be who and what you are sexually. Your confidence as an adequate male sexual person has been broken and is now wanting to repair in your subconscious by first adopting a personna.

Been there, done that, honestly. It is the spirit of the dream that is important not the actual physical deeds. And yes, you would be aroused by this dream - she is expressing you in your natural and healthy sexuality.

Your fellow journeyman,
Joel

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#252931 - 10/04/08 02:31 PM Re: Sexually confused dreams (triggering) [Re: joelRT]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
I do have those drams too ..many times...


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