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#227653 - 05/29/08 07:24 PM Long Time no see!
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
Hey Y'all! As you can tell I am somewhat of an oldtimer to this forum but I haven't posted in several years. I joined back in 2000! It's been a long, long road I've travelled in those eight years. Gas was much cheaper! LOL!

I found a great therapist who helped me work thru events dating back to 1964 and that I carried along with me, haunting me for decades. The ghosts are still there but they don't frighten me anymore. I still have flashbacks but I see them in a different way now. Rather than being a prisoner inside my own mind, I am the lord of my castle and come and go as I please.

Best news of all. I'm finally a father of my own (tears). I have a wonderful child and meaning to my life. A joy to look upon. He's a great kid and I will always be there for him in every way I can. I never thought I would know this joy. I would never allow myself to dream. But, thanks to my supports, I decided I wanted a home, a family and serenity. I have all three now. Sometimes more of one than another but my dreams and desires are mostly complete. Things aren't perfect but they sure as hell are better!

Y'all. What happened to us is a fact. What we do with it determines our destiny. When we accept the fact, we can start to exercise control over our lives and take back that which was stolen from us. We can't undo the past by we can determine the future.

My best wishes to all of you. I applaud your courage in coming here and I sincerely appreciate all the help of those who stand with us through our tribulations.

Thanks for giving me back my life. (more tears)

Love ya. I hope I see you more often than once every eight years!

_________________________
A life worth living.

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#227742 - 05/30/08 02:34 AM Re: Long Time no see! [Re: devon0]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
devon0,

Thanks for checking in and telling us of your life. Glad you've gotten things sorted. Children are so awesome aren't they? Glad you've been able to experience that as well.

Wherever your life takes you, Be Well!

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#228292 - 06/01/08 12:53 PM Re: Long Time no see! [Re: WalkingSouth]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
devon0,

Congratulations on the birth of your son, being a father can totally change the way we see the world.

I love to hear about the progress that members make. It gives everyone hope to hear these stories.

I wish you the best for the future, and please do stop back by and keep us informed.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#228348 - 06/01/08 06:08 PM Re: Long Time no see! [Re: Scoutvictim]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Wow,Devon, You have no idea how wonderful it is to have someone come back and say I made it. I figured it out with the help I got and made through the night. That gives hope to so many here. Thank you for taking the time to update us on your healing and recovery.


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#229945 - 06/09/08 09:07 PM Re: Long Time no see! [Re: Freedom49]
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
Hey again Y'all. I was going through by email and found the newsletter that led me back here. Thanks very much for the encouragement. I should have expected as much! LOL.

Perhaps I should fill you in a bit on events over that last few years.

It's somewhat painful for me to return here. I came here in 2000 when I started seeking help to deal with my issues that dated back to 1964. I carried them like old baggage for all that time, suffering alone and in silence. My bloodpressure was the spark that got me seeking some help. I just knew in my heart that dealing with the pain day after day was eating away at my psyche. My BP was 220/125. I was ready to explode! It took me two sessions in the same week with a psychologist to get right to the point. I would have done it on the first visit but I needed to know I could trust him. About half way through the second session, I just said, "Look, I am going to get right to the point!" And I did! Later he remarked that he was shocked at my candor. I explained to him that I'd lived with being a rape victim for over 30 years and I couldn't hold it back anymore. Someone besides my family had to know the "secret".

It wasn't easy but I worked at it and it took several years with that doctor. I also did sessions with a process called "Orders of Love" and that helped me get things into perspective. I also dropped out of the Christian church and started practicing Native American Lakota Souix religion. That really helped too because it put me back in touch with my roots. I was able to bond with my ancestors and grandfathers and grandmothers. In 2003 I was ready to fly alone for a while.

Yes, I got flashbacks and it was painful at times but I had resources I could use to deal with it now. I wasn't alone. There were other trusted people who could help me and I knew so much more about myself now. I was much better equipped. In my mind, I had entered that room in that moment and rescued that boy. I brought him out to safety, dressed his wounds, and comforted him and he was me. I cried over him and washed away his tears. I assumed responsibility for him, promised to always protect him, and to never let that happen again. I even forgave the person who... let's not go there. Suffice to say, I worked through it and I am on the other side. Me and my child self.

I hope everyone here can someday enjoy the freedom that exists. You may feel like you're in a deep hole looking up at the light but it's a hole you can escape from. You don't have to stay in it any longer than you have to.

Love,

devon

_________________________
A life worth living.

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#229947 - 06/09/08 09:18 PM Re: Long Time no see! *DELETED* [Re: devon0]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#229956 - 06/09/08 09:43 PM Re: Long Time no see! [Re: awakening]
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
Thanks. I'm certainly no poster boy for MS! There are plenty of others here more deserving of that honor! But thanks so much for your kind words. I'm proud to be able to give what I have. The events that bring us all here are unpleasant but they have a place in the Universe, I believe. Because of what I experienced, I've been able to help others because I understand the dark, sinister place we retreat to in fear and desperation.

In one therapy session, I described myself as "feeling inside a room with no walls". My therapist reminded me that it was MY ROOM! And I could do anything I wanted to it. So, I carved out a door and window. I could come and go as I pleased. It was truely a "breakout experience". I hope you have the same experience. We are often locked in our own prisons. But they are OUR PRISONS and we have the keys. We just have to build up the courage to use them or the impatience!

Ain't Freedom sweet?! I'm reminded of the song lyric, "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose". It's true. You've got "nothin' if you ain't free". Thanks Janis Joplin).

_________________________
A life worth living.

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#229958 - 06/09/08 10:06 PM Re: Long Time no see! [Re: devon0]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Thanks for posting devon0, it's really nice to see your enthusiasm for life, it really fills me with hope and confidence, sometimes it seems like it is a never ending story, which, i guess it is, but like you described with your room, it is our story to shape and develop, and in the end i hope to find the freedom that you describe. Just have to wrestle all the lions first.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#464241 - 04/18/14 10:09 AM Re: Long Time no see! [Re: devon0]
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
It's been 14 years since I came here to MS to post. Wow! How my life has changed! I hope others can have this experience. The events of my childhood are almost a long, lost memory. The abuse, the beatings, all in fading into the mist of time. It's there but in a way that I control when I think about it. No more frightening flashbacks that would come when I was weak and vulnerable. It's almost a shame I had to hid under the blankets for 40 years before I dealt with my issues. I'm glad I did.
_________________________
A life worth living.

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#464243 - 04/18/14 10:43 AM Re: Long Time no see! [Re: devon0]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
Devon0

Great to hear life is good and worth living. MS has been a godsend for me along with a therapist, doctors, support groups, and wonderful friends and supporters. But MS is here 24/7, we can vent, share and support anytime of day. I have been here three years and life has changed for me, for the better that is.

I am happy to hear the memories are almost a long, lost memory. That is the hard part, because when the flashbacks hit, it feels as though the abuse is happening in the present. Once we get control and realize the abuse and abuser are not our shame and fault life can change. Glad to hear your great news. Keep going and enjoy life.

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