hey people. my rent finally ran out of my apartment. i'll be forced to vacate in two days, and i dont' have a car to sleep in this time because i sold it to pay for rent and food.

this is f**king great. and i still have depersonalization/dissociation or whatever the shit it's called and my brain will not let me in or let me out or what the shitever. otherwise i would be fine. i can't relax. can't train myself to relax. i'm fucked.

so who's been in a shelter? are they as great as i'm expecting? am i really about to hit rock bottom with a dissociative disorder/PTSD? i love life. something that happened 20 years ago is still kicking my ass everyday, and there is no one around that believes me or that wants to help.

GODDAMN the world.

If you still have any friends see if they will let you store some of your stuff there. Two days to get out? Sounds like Colorado. I've got some room in my garage. But we're not supposed to meet.

Shelters are hell. So is living under a bridge. Get ready for abuse that is as bad or worse as anything that you have ever experienced. Get you some cardboard and make-up some signs to beg at freeway intersections.

If you still have a phone try calling around. Call Hazelden (800) 257-7800. They are a big and wealthy treatment center who sponsors people on occasion. Or try Mic Hunter in St. Paul, MN. Call the Red Cross and the Salvation Army. It would be better if you could work for a temp organization that pays daily. Maybe your landlord would be willing to accept daily pay. There are lots of weekly hotels out there but you have got to have the money for a week up front.

Try to have some hope even though it looks pretty bleak right now.

Trucker Mark

We're not supposed to meet??

MS Discussion Board rules are such that we don't share personal info such as email addresses, phone numbers, locations, etc. This is to protect people from being victimized by others. Although the stories we see here are likely true and the issues are from the heart, there are people out there who will use others for various reasons, including to sexually abuse them.

We have to make this place safe for all and there is no way we can check out the info posted to be sure it's accurate and true.

So, as much as your heart may be tugged by someone's story here, we can't allow such personal info to be given out because we cannot guarantee that a person in need is not going to become a victim to a perpetrator in wait.

Advice, resources, support and encouragement are always ok around here. But remember. there are vulnerable people here, including young teens who are exploitable by the wrong people.

Hope you understand and it's not without our concern that we see a difficult situation like Inthegrass33's here. Wish we could do more but we have to do what we can to protect those who could be exploited.

i agree. i can't trust online anything. esp. an online person.

Post deleted by pufferfish

Puffer,
He will be kicked out of his apartment in 2 days, not now.

i found out i might be able to stay with a neighbor for a few days. i think my situation is pretty bad. i've been shoplifting a good deal too. i'm guessing, but i think a few more sessions of emdr and i'm going to be doing a lot better. but not having a place to stay and feeling lost at every moment...it's not good. i really don't want to go to a shelter cause i know that's not a healthy place to sleep/stay. i could get sick.

i just don't have any good friends in the area or anything. i'm freaking out, but trying to look calm to everyone, but the depersonalization gets horrible to deal with whenever someone asks me what i'm going to do because i honestly can't communicate with anyone right now.

and i'm trying to call hazelden right now. ^^^^a garage would be perfect for me right now. too bad i'mnot in CO!

Still praying, inthegrass. And thinking of you often.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((inthegrass33)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

haha! thank you. i want to work a miracle for everyone on here. i've got emdr scheduled for monday, and that's all i care about. if i'm already crying in my therapist's office, that's a start.

I had to go down to the mission last night. i showed up at my parents house crying on my bicycle with no place to stay, way out of it after trying to sleep in the woods. It as aweful. five minutes after being on my bunk and i'm already hyperalert and the guy below me starts masturbating and i bolt onto the streets, get chased by a black homeless guy across town. i am so tired and i just need time to do some more emdr. I AM SO DISSOCIATED and i need a place to stay with someone SOOOOOO BAD and am really scared for my own SAFETY. I am in no condition to be out anywhere by myself. I am not in my body and could not stop noticing my derealization and control the depersonalization.

PLEASE HELP ME PEOPLE. I don't have anybody in town that I know I could stay with. After last night, i would be willing to get a job now. it was soooo hard and disturbing for me to hear someone masturbating below me. i just felt like cursing god. i'm a good person, why is this happening to me? why can't i feel? where is my body? why do i have to suffer like this watching myself fall further and further into shit that is already trying to ruin my life?

Hello,

You have a lot on your plate right now. A lot. It is imperative that we tackle these situations one step at a time. Honestly, I don't know if I would have the energy to be fighting all of these problems at the same time.

So do you have a place to stay? You mentioned that you showed up at your parents' house. Is that where you are staying? Are they understanding/supportive? How much can you bear to disclose to them? I know, that's a lot of questions, but I think that should be your primary goal right now. You need a place to stay, and you need at least one person in your life who can and will be supportive.

The next step is in finding a way to bring in some money. If someone is providing you with a place to stay, they will probably expect to be reimbursed somehow. Some people might just be happy if you were keeping the place clean and pitching in on grcoeries a little bit. Others will expect some compensation. If you are staying with someone, I think it is important right now that you build the boundaries right way. You all need to know what is expected so that surprises don't come up, and you need to make sure that the person you are staying with is aware that you need time to get your feet under you. Even if all you can handle right now is a part time job washing dishes, though, you need to get out there to try to help out whoever you are staying with....even if that means giving your entire paycheck to him.

Another important goal is to stay away from activities that can hurt you. This includes shoplifting. Also, please try to stay away from temporary reprieves like drugs and alcohol.

Finally, you need to continue concentrating on making your T appointment every week. But please don't expect any immediate results. This road you're on might take a while, but as long as you keep these immediate goals in mind, you should be able to move forward. I apologize if I sound like I'm lecturing right now, but it really sounds like you need some direction more than anything, and believe me when I say that it is going to be very difficult to heal if you are out on the streets.

I showed up at my parents house to ask them to take me somewhere like the y or the mission. My father is my perpetrator. But he gave me a ride down to the mission, talking his bullshit and me trying my best to be my own person. I am going to look for some sort of job today. I hope i get lucky and find something simple and easy. I'm not going to go into anymore details. i'm just going to try and do something today.

Your challenges are immense, and I think it is a testament to your strength that you have made it this far. Congratulations for continuing with your desire to keep moving forward.

I wish you the best of luck. You have to touch first base before you can reach home plate, and I'm glad to see you have some direction about what needs to be done. Even if you are only able to manage something part time, it's a step. The object is to always keep moving to the next step.

You'll be in my thoughts.

you're damn right i'm strong. but suicide was never an option for me, so there's no choice. as long as i'm breathing, i may be desperate but still trying.

the person i'm staying with right now--situation could be on the rocks soon, but i called a distant relative, gave them the basics of what i'm going through, and now they want to give them weekly updates, so i'm safer in knowing that someone else knows. i'm also eating well right now, and doing my physical therapy. i think my injuries from the auto accident are going to heal okay.

my last session of EMDR is still having it's effects. each morning i wake up, i'm taking the depersonalized thoughts a little less seriously. i think it's wearing off. a coping mechanism that i've used for 22 years is wearing off and i can't wait 'till i find out all the shit and horrific nastyness is underneath. i'm going to be a damn wreck.

One thing to keep in mind about EMDR is that sometimes the use of depersonalized thoughts or, rather, reliving traumatic events from the safety of our "safe place" isn't as bad as one would make it out. In fact, my experience with EMDR has led me to believe that the anticipation is often worse than what happens when we actually get there. Don't push yourself with the EMDR. Just let it happen. Twice, I've had to tell my T that I wanted to stop. Twice she had to push me to continue weeks later. And twice, when we have continued, everything got much, much easier.

I thought I would be a mess too, but it turns out I was the biggest mess when I was trying to push everything at an unnatural pace.

i'm glad you told me that. i think i realized last night that i got no idea what's under the surface and that my anxiety with the depersonalization is what's strongest right now, not the anxiety with the event because i don't know what the event is yet. you're right. it might not be that bad once i actually get there. it will be something, but there's no telling what that something is.

i talked to my aunt last night, and she mentioned again me coming to stay with them and getting established. but i can't cause i'm in therapy. and the lady i'm living with said i can't stay here tonight, so that means i'm homeless tonight, but i got a t appointment with emdr today (my 8th session)...i'll just give her updates and ask her more what i should do for a place to sleep tonight.

i can't do this homeless stuff, and i know i'm going to need a place to crash after the emdr. my DP is still improving from the last session. But i haven't had any of the crazy dreams this last week. but i've generally had a much easier time being around people, and have found myself crying a bit easier.

It appears as if what you have done is created some options for yourself. How far away is your aunt from your therapist's office? If it's too far, are there some therapy alternatives in the area in which your aunt lives?

These are, of course, things you can discuss with your therapist. Perhaps she can give you a referral, or perhaps your aunt can do some digging while you work with what you have right now.

it's more my uncle than my aunt. they live in nashville about a 3 hour drive away. i haven't talked with them extensively enough about a plan because at this point i'm still too scattered to put something that would actually work together. they have said that they do want to help and do believe me.

therapy went well enough today. good, long emdr session. feel really relaxed now, maybe a little something popping up for a fraction of a second.

my therapist called my case manager and they're trying to get me into local subsidized housing in a good part of town, but nothing is going to come through for me tonight. so WTF. i'm going to try and call my mom to see if she could leave some camping equipment for me outside the house because we have tons of northface stuff, but she's in a hard denial. that's all i can think to do because i'm not going back down to the mission.

nevermind. my relatives bailed on me. apparently there's been a 30 yr. long family feud going on and it's not going to be reconciled over me. it was funny, after i got done telling everyone my story, they actually told me to call and ask my parents for help!

fookit. i'm going to talk to a case worker tomorrow about getting me into subsidized housing ASAP. might go a lot faster if they see me in person.

day to day fighting off homelessness sucks.

i'm still going through the depersonalization. don't know what the hell to do. i have no place to stay. and everyone around me keeps warning me that things are going to get worse. i feel helpless to stop it. can't anyone see that i'm not here?

Things may get worse, but they may get better. Just keep focussing on the present situation and not on the what ifs. I know that's easier said than done, but it's what you need to do to keep your sanity and preserve your energy.

I have enormous respect for you and the way you are fighting this battle! You are a very strong individual, probably a lot stronger than you even know! Keep heart, my friend! You are now being forced to face probably many of your worst fears. You WILL come out of this even stronger! I have faith!

I spent the first few years of my life in Hawaii. This crap we are all going through is like riding the wave. You can let the wave take you down or you can get on top and ride it, don't try to control the wave, just ride it. It will take you to where you need to be. Fear will cause you to crash and the wave will take you under. Does that make sense? We've been there and many of us are still riding the wave. You really are NOT alone.

i'm having disturbing dreams. i'm going to hate this.

my body's losening up and stuff is spasming. i've also got my 11th session of emdr today.

Good luck, inthegrass. I just got back from Wyoming. I hope things have improved since your last post on Friday.

Bryan

i'm so lost. i just need a place to stay. i'm homeless and i don't know how/where i can begin. i hate how weak i am and that i keep cutting myself down and worse. it's like i can't save what's inside of me. it's like i cannot come out of myself. the dissociation is hell. no one is helping. no family. fuck family. i told them what my father did and they still actually talk to him. fucking fake he is. so disgusted with IT ALL, i am.

One of the hardest parts of all of this is when, as you stated, we see how weak we are and then feel even weaker as a result.

Weakness is in the eye of the beholder, and I see strength in you. You're fighting, and it takes strength to fight.

As long as you keep fighting, you still have a chance.

Bryan

^true. i just want things to not get worse, but i have destructive tendencies or many tendencies that i can't really judge cause i have them and i'm not aware, which leads me into more fear and dissociation. i see shit like that intervention show on TV and freak. one was about a heroine addict, homeless and self-destructing because his father sexually abused him. and here i am, unpredictable future in recovery from abuse that i haven't even integrated yet, wondering when and how long and how bad is everything going to be. i can't get off the thought, and the thought is my problem is right now. depersonalization runs off shitty thoughts, panic, and fear of being in the frozen state and having to fake confidence in anything really. i have to act like a person that feels. it feels psychotic to do, but it feels even more crazy just to sit and stare.

but on a positive note, i really am trying to stay as safe as possible and not doing anything physically dangerous so i can come back to reality all that much better off.