nevermind. my relatives bailed on me. apparently there's been a 30 yr. long family feud going on and it's not going to be reconciled over me. it was funny, after i got done telling everyone my story, they actually told me to call and ask my parents for help!

fookit. i'm going to talk to a case worker tomorrow about getting me into subsidized housing ASAP. might go a lot faster if they see me in person.

day to day fighting off homelessness sucks.

i'm still going through the depersonalization. don't know what the hell to do. i have no place to stay. and everyone around me keeps warning me that things are going to get worse. i feel helpless to stop it. can't anyone see that i'm not here?

Things may get worse, but they may get better. Just keep focussing on the present situation and not on the what ifs. I know that's easier said than done, but it's what you need to do to keep your sanity and preserve your energy.

I have enormous respect for you and the way you are fighting this battle! You are a very strong individual, probably a lot stronger than you even know! Keep heart, my friend! You are now being forced to face probably many of your worst fears. You WILL come out of this even stronger! I have faith!

I spent the first few years of my life in Hawaii. This crap we are all going through is like riding the wave. You can let the wave take you down or you can get on top and ride it, don't try to control the wave, just ride it. It will take you to where you need to be. Fear will cause you to crash and the wave will take you under. Does that make sense? We've been there and many of us are still riding the wave. You really are NOT alone.

i'm having disturbing dreams. i'm going to hate this.

my body's losening up and stuff is spasming. i've also got my 11th session of emdr today.

Good luck, inthegrass. I just got back from Wyoming. I hope things have improved since your last post on Friday.

Bryan

i'm so lost. i just need a place to stay. i'm homeless and i don't know how/where i can begin. i hate how weak i am and that i keep cutting myself down and worse. it's like i can't save what's inside of me. it's like i cannot come out of myself. the dissociation is hell. no one is helping. no family. fuck family. i told them what my father did and they still actually talk to him. fucking fake he is. so disgusted with IT ALL, i am.

One of the hardest parts of all of this is when, as you stated, we see how weak we are and then feel even weaker as a result.

Weakness is in the eye of the beholder, and I see strength in you. You're fighting, and it takes strength to fight.

As long as you keep fighting, you still have a chance.

Bryan

^true. i just want things to not get worse, but i have destructive tendencies or many tendencies that i can't really judge cause i have them and i'm not aware, which leads me into more fear and dissociation. i see shit like that intervention show on TV and freak. one was about a heroine addict, homeless and self-destructing because his father sexually abused him. and here i am, unpredictable future in recovery from abuse that i haven't even integrated yet, wondering when and how long and how bad is everything going to be. i can't get off the thought, and the thought is my problem is right now. depersonalization runs off shitty thoughts, panic, and fear of being in the frozen state and having to fake confidence in anything really. i have to act like a person that feels. it feels psychotic to do, but it feels even more crazy just to sit and stare.

but on a positive note, i really am trying to stay as safe as possible and not doing anything physically dangerous so i can come back to reality all that much better off.