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#228208 - 05/31/08 09:20 PM Re: No place to stay. DEPERSONaliZATION [i]AGH[!!!!!!! [Re: blueshift]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
haha! thank you. i want to work a miracle for everyone on here. i've got emdr scheduled for monday, and that's all i care about. if i'm already crying in my therapist's office, that's a start.


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#230888 - 06/14/08 06:25 AM Re: No place to stay. DEPERSONaliZATION [i]AGH[!!!!!!! [Re: inthegrass33]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
I had to go down to the mission last night. i showed up at my parents house crying on my bicycle with no place to stay, way out of it after trying to sleep in the woods. It as aweful. five minutes after being on my bunk and i'm already hyperalert and the guy below me starts masturbating and i bolt onto the streets, get chased by a black homeless guy across town. i am so tired and i just need time to do some more emdr. I AM SO DISSOCIATED and i need a place to stay with someone SOOOOOO BAD and am really scared for my own SAFETY. I am in no condition to be out anywhere by myself. I am not in my body and could not stop noticing my derealization and control the depersonalization.

PLEASE HELP ME PEOPLE. I don't have anybody in town that I know I could stay with. After last night, i would be willing to get a job now. it was soooo hard and disturbing for me to hear someone masturbating below me. i just felt like cursing god. i'm a good person, why is this happening to me? why can't i feel? where is my body? why do i have to suffer like this watching myself fall further and further into shit that is already trying to ruin my life?


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#230904 - 06/14/08 09:42 AM Re: No place to stay. DEPERSONaliZATION [i]AGH[!!!!!!! [Re: inthegrass33]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Hello,

You have a lot on your plate right now. A lot. It is imperative that we tackle these situations one step at a time. Honestly, I don't know if I would have the energy to be fighting all of these problems at the same time.

So do you have a place to stay? You mentioned that you showed up at your parents' house. Is that where you are staying? Are they understanding/supportive? How much can you bear to disclose to them? I know, that's a lot of questions, but I think that should be your primary goal right now. You need a place to stay, and you need at least one person in your life who can and will be supportive.

The next step is in finding a way to bring in some money. If someone is providing you with a place to stay, they will probably expect to be reimbursed somehow. Some people might just be happy if you were keeping the place clean and pitching in on grcoeries a little bit. Others will expect some compensation. If you are staying with someone, I think it is important right now that you build the boundaries right way. You all need to know what is expected so that surprises don't come up, and you need to make sure that the person you are staying with is aware that you need time to get your feet under you. Even if all you can handle right now is a part time job washing dishes, though, you need to get out there to try to help out whoever you are staying with....even if that means giving your entire paycheck to him.

Another important goal is to stay away from activities that can hurt you. This includes shoplifting. Also, please try to stay away from temporary reprieves like drugs and alcohol.

Finally, you need to continue concentrating on making your T appointment every week. But please don't expect any immediate results. This road you're on might take a while, but as long as you keep these immediate goals in mind, you should be able to move forward. I apologize if I sound like I'm lecturing right now, but it really sounds like you need some direction more than anything, and believe me when I say that it is going to be very difficult to heal if you are out on the streets.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#230914 - 06/14/08 10:16 AM Re: No place to stay. DEPERSONaliZATION [i]AGH[!!!!!!! [Re: BJK]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
I showed up at my parents house to ask them to take me somewhere like the y or the mission. My father is my perpetrator. But he gave me a ride down to the mission, talking his bullshit and me trying my best to be my own person. I am going to look for some sort of job today. I hope i get lucky and find something simple and easy. I'm not going to go into anymore details. i'm just going to try and do something today.


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#230916 - 06/14/08 10:29 AM Re: No place to stay. DEPERSONaliZATION [i]AGH[!!!!!!! [Re: inthegrass33]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Your challenges are immense, and I think it is a testament to your strength that you have made it this far. Congratulations for continuing with your desire to keep moving forward.

I wish you the best of luck. You have to touch first base before you can reach home plate, and I'm glad to see you have some direction about what needs to be done. Even if you are only able to manage something part time, it's a step. The object is to always keep moving to the next step.

You'll be in my thoughts.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#231201 - 06/15/08 07:15 PM Re: No place to stay. DEPERSONaliZATION [i]AGH[!!!!!!! [Re: BJK]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
you're damn right i'm strong. but suicide was never an option for me, so there's no choice. as long as i'm breathing, i may be desperate but still trying.

the person i'm staying with right now--situation could be on the rocks soon, but i called a distant relative, gave them the basics of what i'm going through, and now they want to give them weekly updates, so i'm safer in knowing that someone else knows. i'm also eating well right now, and doing my physical therapy. i think my injuries from the auto accident are going to heal okay.

my last session of EMDR is still having it's effects. each morning i wake up, i'm taking the depersonalized thoughts a little less seriously. i think it's wearing off. a coping mechanism that i've used for 22 years is wearing off and i can't wait 'till i find out all the shit and horrific nastyness is underneath. i'm going to be a damn wreck.


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#231250 - 06/16/08 03:20 AM Re: No place to stay. DEPERSONaliZATION [i]AGH[!!!!!!! [Re: inthegrass33]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
One thing to keep in mind about EMDR is that sometimes the use of depersonalized thoughts or, rather, reliving traumatic events from the safety of our "safe place" isn't as bad as one would make it out. In fact, my experience with EMDR has led me to believe that the anticipation is often worse than what happens when we actually get there. Don't push yourself with the EMDR. Just let it happen. Twice, I've had to tell my T that I wanted to stop. Twice she had to push me to continue weeks later. And twice, when we have continued, everything got much, much easier.

I thought I would be a mess too, but it turns out I was the biggest mess when I was trying to push everything at an unnatural pace.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#231254 - 06/16/08 05:38 AM Re: No place to stay. DEPERSONaliZATION [i]AGH[!!!!!!! [Re: BJK]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
i'm glad you told me that. i think i realized last night that i got no idea what's under the surface and that my anxiety with the depersonalization is what's strongest right now, not the anxiety with the event because i don't know what the event is yet. you're right. it might not be that bad once i actually get there. it will be something, but there's no telling what that something is.

i talked to my aunt last night, and she mentioned again me coming to stay with them and getting established. but i can't cause i'm in therapy. and the lady i'm living with said i can't stay here tonight, so that means i'm homeless tonight, but i got a t appointment with emdr today (my 8th session)...i'll just give her updates and ask her more what i should do for a place to sleep tonight.

i can't do this homeless stuff, and i know i'm going to need a place to crash after the emdr. my DP is still improving from the last session. But i haven't had any of the crazy dreams this last week. but i've generally had a much easier time being around people, and have found myself crying a bit easier.


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#231259 - 06/16/08 07:46 AM Re: No place to stay. DEPERSONaliZATION [i]AGH[!!!!!!! [Re: inthegrass33]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
It appears as if what you have done is created some options for yourself. How far away is your aunt from your therapist's office? If it's too far, are there some therapy alternatives in the area in which your aunt lives?

These are, of course, things you can discuss with your therapist. Perhaps she can give you a referral, or perhaps your aunt can do some digging while you work with what you have right now.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#231297 - 06/16/08 01:00 PM Re: No place to stay. DEPERSONaliZATION [i]AGH[!!!!!!! [Re: BJK]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
it's more my uncle than my aunt. they live in nashville about a 3 hour drive away. i haven't talked with them extensively enough about a plan because at this point i'm still too scattered to put something that would actually work together. they have said that they do want to help and do believe me.

therapy went well enough today. good, long emdr session. feel really relaxed now, maybe a little something popping up for a fraction of a second.

my therapist called my case manager and they're trying to get me into local subsidized housing in a good part of town, but nothing is going to come through for me tonight. so WTF. i'm going to try and call my mom to see if she could leave some camping equipment for me outside the house because we have tons of northface stuff, but she's in a hard denial. that's all i can think to do because i'm not going back down to the mission.


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