Newest Members
beatcook, MassGuy, wiresguy1, AustinChemist, wild_turky
12276 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
4113 (60), Andre M, (36), catchup22 (62), jim OCA 7 (57), sidhearthur (55), SkyClad (65)
Who's Online
5 registered (whome, Jim1961, Obi, 2 invisible), 21 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12276 Members
73 Forums
63167 Topics
441715 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#227477 - 05/28/08 11:24 PM Sex makes me feel
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hi everyone,

Today I had my first off day since seeing my Therapist. It began as any other day but then I started feeling insecure. I did not like my appearance and I felt reclusive. Now these feelings were followed by same sex attraction which in the past I would torture myself over but now I accept that they are present and I try to simply witness them rather than policing my thoughts.

I decided to trace back what brought these feelings on and well I did not have to look very far. Monday I had sex which was only the 2nd time in the last 9 months and of course it was with the same girl. Now I remember feeling this way after the first time also. I am being triggered into this state, pile on the performance anxiety and fear of pre-mature ejaculation and the cycle begins.

I don't know what is causing these reactions, could it be more confusion about orientation? Even though so much of the abuse has been said it still affects me this way. I know I just need to keep the go with the flow attitude and stick with it but all this shit seems to arise when I feel I am doing great. Everyone here has been amazing,I feel as though I am part of the community here. Just my thoughts, thanks for listening.

_________________________
I am the warrior.

Top
#227507 - 05/29/08 01:32 AM Re: Sex makes me feel [Re: Letourski]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Letourski,

Can I ask a few questions?

Does the girl know about your CSA?

Have you shared you anxiety with her about your sexual contact?

(Just some thoughts about this... If I'm not understanding, forgive me.)

Keep in mind that if the two of you have only had sexual contact twice in 9 months, she is probably wondering why you are not attracted to her. This can create a feeling of "he's only doing this because he thinks he has to." (aka pity sex) It then becomes a problem for both of you. Both of you are thinking about performance, you just trying to function, and her trying to be good enough that you will come back for more.

The mind does play major tricks, and strangely enough, she probably thinks something is wrong with her. One of the most important things about sexual interaction is the open and honest conversation. I hope you will try and work through all this. Talk it out with her, see if that will help. Once you are both on the same page, I will bet you anxiety will decrease.

Just a few thoughts.

Luv ya,
Carl

P.S. Yes you are a part of an amazing community, and you are not alone.



_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

Top
#227761 - 05/30/08 07:42 AM Re: Sex makes me feel [Re: Scoutvictim]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I found sex disquieting sometimes when I wasn't in love - abuse feelings returned - ruined the moment - couldn't talk about it. If you're not in love, this, I think, is a risk.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#227763 - 05/30/08 08:12 AM Re: Sex makes me feel [Re: hogan_dawg]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I have a lot of anxiety etc during sex anymore myself. I love my wife dearly. I'm definitely in love, but that doesn't matter anymore. I can take care of her as they say, but that's about it. Abuse feelings are there the whole time anymore. It's a guarantee that something along the way is going to "ruin the moment".

Sucks. I'd love to be able to experience that "healthy" sex thing I hear people mention. Not sure it's possible anymore. Not sure I'd know what it was if it did somehow show up.


Top
#227798 - 05/30/08 10:19 AM Re: Sex makes me feel [Re: JustScott]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I'm sorry to hear that Scott - I hope my note doesn't imply that if you're in love everything will be ok. Your point is well made: I love my wife dearly but that doesn't mean I don't have moments where I have to regroup because of abuse feelings.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#227802 - 05/30/08 10:29 AM Re: Sex makes me feel [Re: hogan_dawg]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I just find myself looking for an excuse to avoid it now days. I'd flat out tell my wife that I'm not interested, but I know it would be turned into and taken as something against her. She's already got this paranoid idea that once I've gone through all the healing/recovery I can I'm not going to want her and I'll go off and find someone else.


Top
#227804 - 05/30/08 10:45 AM Re: Sex makes me feel [Re: JustScott]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I have to reinforce to my wife how much she means to me quite a lot. It's ok though - it's a maintenance thing.

Marriage is challenging. There's just no formula. All I can say is keep trying and if you stay in love faith says you both will find a way. There may be times in her life where she won't feel like it either - menopause, for example.

Recovery challenges marriages, there's no doubt. I don't feel like it most of the time now. Before recovery? Sure.



Edited by hogan_dawg (05/30/08 12:08 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.