was it different when you were daddy?
you were a good dad. you used to take us out on walks, and would play with us on the sand dunes all day long, and go in the sea with us, you used to sit in with us and watch films, even set aside a night to watch films even though you worked so much. you used to play fight with us for hours. i couldn't imagine a better dad.
but you were a bad dad too. you worked away in London doing something at one time, i forgot what you looked like. you were mean when you would come home. i wanted you to die so much because all you were was a person that would come home every couple of weeks or month in the middle of the night, tell us off for things mum would make up and then go. i wouldn't even see your face because i would hide under the blanket. i know you know we didn't like you then, because you said that you stopped working away because we wouldn't say hello to you. i guess that was your apparent mid-life crisis thing that mum keeps saying you spent all our money on- staying in London. i really dont know, i find it hard to fit all my memories together, how you can be so caring and so uncaring too.
you have never done anything really bad to me, just little things, and i guess everybody does little things. things like not letting me kiss you or hug you sometimes, why wouldn't you let me? i just wanted to love you, i was just a little kid, how can you tell a kid he is not allowed. i wanted love off you but you would only let me when you were drunk. sometimes, when you and mum were up late at night drinking, i would get my blanket, and sometimes a teddy if i thought that would help my plight, and i would go downstairs and sit on your lap, and you would let me go to sleep. i used to like it when i was little and if you were staying out late in the pub with mum and everyone for special occassions, because you used to let me sleep on you with my blanket then, and i felt so special, and i felt like you were proud of me, and i would listen to your voice in the backround as i drifted off and heard all the chattering from people, they are good memories for me, because i knew you loved me and were proud and i felt so protected and honoured to be able to snuggle up on you. sometimes i would pretend to have bad dreams so that i could sleep with you.
you were a good dad. you used to make a roast dinner every sunday. you always would sit at the table with us, but only for 5 minutes. you would soon storm off for one stupid reason or another. once you broke the chair you was sitting on somehow because you were that mad at something. you broke the chair i was sitting on once too. i wasn't laughing at you or anything, i was just giggling, i'm sorry i couldn't stop giggling, i don't know why it should be such a crime to laugh at the dinner table anyway. you got mad and threw me against the wall and i didn't even know what happened all i saw was your arm and then i was sitting against the wall on the otherside of the room and the chair was broken. i was only small. you could have broken more than a chair. funny how nobody reacted to this, nobody was afraid of my dad or anything so that's not the reason, you would expect somebody to come see if i'm ok or say that he shouldn't have, but nobody took any notice, oh well, nobody cared, why did you do it, you must have really wanted to hurt me to do that, just push me away and then that's it, what did i do! was i just one child too much, i know i wasnt planned, you told me that you had already booked your appointment to not have anymore children, and i know mum didn't want me at all, do you blame me because mum was unhappy? am i the cause of all your problems? i know how much easier it would have been without me, did you let Adam have me, surely you could tell, surely you would know, did you think it was ok because i was oly small and quiet so not really a real person, did you never think that i might grow up into a real person? you said that you and mum thought there was something wrong with me, that i was slow because i didn't talk, did you think that made it ok?
you probably dont know
anyway i forgot what the point of this post was going to be now, it was going to be positive about something or other but it went wrong so i'll stop before i feel even worse
"...until lambs become lions"
I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.