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#227106 - 05/27/08 03:15 PM What Am I Doing Wrong?
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I'm going nuts today. I'm really really angry. I got kicked out of group this morning for freakin out and going off on some people. One of the rules in our group is no sexual details about the abuse and no curse words. Well I'm sorry I just couldn't help myself. Some people are sooo peaches and cream about it and it just pisses me off and then this morning I just kinda blew up over all of it.

Everybody wants me to keep talking about stuff and then when I do open my mouth to say anything other than "i feel good, or i forgive my abuser (which i don't) or life in fantastic, I'm immediately singled out as being angry, depressed, votile, and rude. I mean wtf? I'm tired of hearing people people that it gets easier. Well it's not getting easier for me! What am I doing wrong?

Joey


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#227109 - 05/27/08 03:27 PM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: JasonSmalls]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Joey

you are doing nothing wrong. you are human and have feelings. when we hurt it hurts deep and the "wounds" do not heal over night or in the next few days. it all takes time.

I am a lot like yourself. be yourself and not what others want.

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#227112 - 05/27/08 03:30 PM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: duncanUK]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
In my experience, there's ways to express our feelings about our abuse (anger, hurt, sadness) without being "peaches and cream" and at the same time without pissing all over those that are trying to help you, the middle ground. It just takes practice and trying. You may find it gets earier.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#227115 - 05/27/08 03:34 PM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: JasonSmalls]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Joey,

wish you'd of stuck around in chat and talked with me a bit - but it's ok - I know right now it's an emmotional overload - it is'nt that you are doing anything wrong - it just... right now it really hurts bad for you the emmotions are fresh for you - not like some who have processed the feelings - you are just starting into that - it takes time - and yes... sometimes you need to even talk about details or cuss and swear about it - it's ok to do that

Pm me if you need to talk about it - I sure won't be one to tell you that it can't be talked about

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#227116 - 05/27/08 03:34 PM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: AndyJB2005]
terpprm Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/15/07
Posts: 312
Loc: Elyria, Ohio
i don't think you were kicked out as a punishment Joey, but rather, as a protection for everyone else. here on this site, each and every one of us is loved. and they only do what they think is best for our well being. we are like a big family, and sometimes, our "parents" have to punish one of us as an example and to keep the order with the rest of us. we are all here for you Joey, and feel free to talk to us, and esp me, about anything!

_________________________
My Story

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#227120 - 05/27/08 04:09 PM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: terpprm]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
Sorry to hear about the trouble with group this morning man!!

Feel free to be angry, depressed, volatile, and rude here all ya want. We can take it! We understand.

You're in a hard spot right now. Let out what you've got to let out! I haven't forgiven that last SOB that hurt me either. Matter of fact in the letter I wrote I flat out said that if I heard he had died it would make me happy. It's how I feel. I'm not going to apologize for it. You don't have to either. Your feelings are your feelings and you have the right to feel however you want!

I think if I was in that group I would have been thrown out too :-) And if they said that I was angry, depressed, volatile, and rude, I think my response would have been, "Damn straight I am!!! Got a problem with that????" But then I'm kinda in an angry, depressed, volatile and rude mood today ;-)

Sometimes it just feels good to find others who are right where we are and just wallow together for a bit.

Been listening to that song you posted in chat ever since I brought it up! Awesome stuff! Thanks!


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#227133 - 05/27/08 04:56 PM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: JustScott]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
It sound as you were put out of group more to respect the others. It is just like here. We all have the abuse backgrounds, we all know how bad it is and can make us feel. But even when we are hurting and angry the most, we use 'trigger' warnings, out of respect for our other members here. Is the same kind of idea. I don't know of your other group, but I have not seen much censuring here, in the way of angry words and posts. I have not seen it that people make others post in just nice and pretty ways. So I think you can feel quite comfortable saying what you want here, as long as others are properly warned. I think if you read enough here, you will see that you will not be 'singled out' for being angry. I see very few 'life is fantastic, I forgive my abuser' posts here.

What else I was going to say, you've said you do not want to hear, so I won't share it. Good luck to you.

Andrei


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#227141 - 05/27/08 05:20 PM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: ak]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Be angry! Be hateful! What's wrong with that? Just don't hurt anyone. There's a sea of hate and anger and it seems bottomless, at least to me it does. That anger and hate needs to be released so you don't explode. I think you can release the pressure a little at a time so you will be okay. I've was an angry kid and I am now beginning to calm the anger a bit. Hate is another story. It is a relief to say you HATE your abuser and anyone associated with the abuser like the ones who knew but never did anything or the ones that should have seen the signs but turned away. They are to blame as well. It's okay to hate and be angry. The alternative is to stuff it back down inside. Bad thing to do. I think anger and hate can feel really good at times.


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#227279 - 05/28/08 07:07 AM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: LW1527]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I empathize! I feel the unfairness of the fact that even though my beliefs and sensibilities don't infringe upon the basic freedoms of other people, other people's beliefs and sensibilities infringe upon my basic freedoms because it is other peoples beliefs and sensibilities that the culture I live in is dominated by not mine.

By basic freedoms I mean what I can say and do, not what I can see and hear. Unlike the sense of touch which involves my personal space and my own body and wellbeing, my sense of hearing and sight extend to the whole world around me and what I see and hear generally don't hurt me physically. So where I certainly feel I should have the right to say whether or not I want to feel someone penetrating me against my will, I don't feel I have the right to say how some one else should dress or what words I hear them saying.

Yet this "right" people have, for instance, to not see me naked or to not hear me say certain words is not a "right" that I inflict on other people. I don't feel that that IS my "right". Yet I must submit to this "right" other people have because of the dominant ideas of the society I live in.

If our freedoms can extend to what we see and hear, how is my having to swim in a bathing suit because someone else believes my body is shameful different from my having to mow their lawn or play music for them because they believe that it's proper to see cut grass and hear music?

Of course our use of sight and sound as a means of communication enables us to hurt people physically without touching them through deceit, and that's wrong, but the difference is that the effects are physical not merely visual or auditory.

So I completely agree with you. It makes no sense. Unfortunately, pure rationality isn't the law of the land. It plays a part, but
humans are not purely rational creatures. I hate intolerance, but part of being tolerant myself is, to some degree, tolerating intolerance, at least in it's milder forms.

In a world where people are still being killed for being black, or jewish or gay, I can put up with some irrational ideas about how I can express myself if it means more energy for opposing the bald or hooded hordes that go bashing peoples heads in with tire irons for just being who they are.

One of my favorite books the Tao Te Ching says "Bend and be straight." and my interpretation of that is that if you try to fight everything that's wrong in the world, you can't effectively oppose any of it. You have to "pick your battles" or you just end up burning yourself up over all the injustice and irrationality that's everywhere.

About a month or so ago, I had a really horrible day and fell off my bike and fractured my elbow trying to make it to the transit center in time to catch a bus, and when I got there and missed the bus by about 30 seconds, suddenly I was overwhelmed with a fit of rage and profanity started bursting out of me. That's when the transit center rent-a-cop decided to make sure I didn't catch the next bus either. He radioed the bus driver and told him not to let me on. So then I started yelling at the rent-a-cop and he called the real cops. That's when the rage REALLY started.

At that point I started really loosing my cool (whatever was left of it) and I can only be thankful I didn't end up throwing my whole life away by assaulting a cop. I assaulted a nearby tree instead which hurt me more than the tree.

Anyway, I really started realizing that day that I had bigger problems to worry about than missing a bus. I had to do something with all the rage I had bottled up. I need to make sure my anger over getting raped doesn't end up putting me in a place where I'm more likely to get raped again.

About that group, it seems to me, if all you can express there is "peaches and cream", it might just not be worthwhile anyway.

_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#227336 - 05/28/08 01:12 PM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: blueshift]
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I got one question for you blueshift. Huh?


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#227338 - 05/28/08 01:16 PM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: JasonSmalls]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Hey Jason,

Yeah I'm having trouble in my group too. Nobody expects me to forgive my abuser, thank goodness. But I hate that some people bring in meals to group. One guy brings a main course of chicken with vegetables and potato. One counselor is eating Chinese food with a fork from a styrofoam dish.

I'm not going to get angry. Next group meeting I'm going to the best steak house in town and ordering a steak, with all the trimmings, and I'm going to bring it to group to make my point that way. I'm going to sit there and eat and clink my cutlery and let their mouths water.

Some groups have some screwed up rules.

Like, no swearing. Why shouldn't people swear when sometimes what happened to them IS an effing tragedy?

And no sexual content? Give me a break.

It sounds like your group is too authoritarian, without reasons.

Best, Dawg



Edited by hogan_dawg (05/28/08 01:36 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#227356 - 05/28/08 03:48 PM Re: What Am I Doing Wrong? [Re: JasonSmalls]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: JasonSmalls
I got one question for you blueshift. Huh?


Sorry, I guess I went off on tangent there, and my point got lost in all the words I was using trying to make the point. I'll try to restate it in fewer words.

A lot of things in the world piss me off because of the unfairness of them, such as my having to conform to other peoples beliefs that I do not share about what's proper or improper.

But I've realized lately that there are just too many things in the world to get pissed about I need to learn to focus on what matters most and let the rest go.





_________________________
My Story
My Art

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