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#226820 - 05/26/08 12:19 PM Mom! A Memorial Day BBQ Rant
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
OK, Saturday mom called me and told me she invited my aunt over to my house for a Memorial Day BBQ. I was, um, what? Mom said she thought it would be a good idea to allow my aunt to get to know my dogs a bit better so she could be more comfortable watching them the next time I'm out of town. My aunt recently moved here from England. I said, OK. I should have said, um, no mom.

Well, yesterday after church I ran into one of the older ladies who is a friend of my mom's. She said that she was coming over to my house for a BBQ on Memorial Day. I said, Oh really? Mom strikes again! Now here's the deal. The older lady is frail and gets VERY nervous around my dogs so now I have to put them into the garage while I play host to this imposed BBQ at my house. I guess if my aunt wants to get to know my dogs she can stay in the garage with them.

GRRRR!!!! I need to grow a backbone and call my mom out when she does things like this.

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#226857 - 05/26/08 02:08 PM Re: Mom! A Memorial Day BBQ Rant [Re: Barkabus]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Nonsense Bark. It doesn't have to be this way. I know it's smart for frail old ladies to be careful around dogs, but that's where communication comes into play. Tell her that your dogs are to not be excluded from family activities, and that her safety can be assured by simply staying seated most of the time. If and when she wants to get up, make sure that the dogs are lying down. (you HAVE trained them basic commands of sit, stay, lay down, etc., RIGHT?)

There is no way I would exclude my pet from family activities, NO WAY.


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#226859 - 05/26/08 02:22 PM Re: Mom! A Memorial Day BBQ Rant [Re: Hauser]
Barkabus Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Actually, my dogs are well behaved and know and obey all the basic commands. They're very friendly and love people too. The older lady is just easily put on edge. She's phobic really. Actually my aunt is too. They're due here in about half an hour. Perhaps I'm feeling sick. Maybe I can cancel. No, I can't do that.

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#226883 - 05/26/08 03:26 PM Re: Mom! A Memorial Day BBQ Rant [Re: Barkabus]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Bark,

Your mother is clearly crossing boundaries in not acknowleding that this is YOUR event and that she has no place in making addendums to that guest list. As it is now already underway, the only thing you can really do now is plan for the future and how to handle this then. In the future, I would tell her explicitly that you have invited all the guests that you can accomodate for the event. If she insists that others be invited as well, stand firm and tell her no, this is all that YOU feel comfortable with. This is your event, and you have every right to control who is a part of that.

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Eddie

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#226895 - 05/26/08 04:03 PM Re: Mom! A Memorial Day BBQ Rant [Re: EGL]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
As a dog owner (Golden Retriever) I know how it is to have to put up with people who are afraid of dogs or even uncertrain around them. The fact is, if there are frail old ladies at your house and they fall over because the dog scared them, you are still liable, even though you did nothing wrong. Welcome to 21st Century America and our fine legal system. for your sake, I hope the dogs are in the garage. It's not worth the worst case scenario.
Paul


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#226917 - 05/26/08 06:38 PM Re: Mom! A Memorial Day BBQ Rant [Re: EGL]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Quote:
Your mother is clearly crossing boundaries in not acknowleding that this is YOUR event
Actually it wasn't my event. I had no plans for Memorial Day. It was all my mom's doing. She's the one who decided that there would be a BBQ at my house and already invited my aunt before telling me about it. She's been subtly manipulative and controlling before but she's never done anything this overt before.

Anyways, its over now. It ended up raining so we didn't BBQ, we cooked the chicken in my kitchen and I choose not to put the dogs in the garage. All went fine regarding the dogs. I, on the other hand, couldn't wait for it to be over. I was cordial and somewhat engaged in the conversation on occasion but I mostly dissociated.

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#226922 - 05/26/08 06:56 PM Re: Mom! A Memorial Day BBQ Rant [Re: Barkabus]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Glad it went well, Bark, heaven knows it could have gone otherwise. That's pretty, uh, forward of your mother planning an event at your house without even checking with you beforehand. Is that the norm in your relationship with her? Just sounds wrong to me on several levels. Anyway, maybe the rain was a blessing and helped speed the event along.

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#226925 - 05/26/08 07:12 PM Re: Mom! A Memorial Day BBQ Rant [Re: EGL]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Eddy,

I have had issues with my mom for years. Her manipulation has always been subtle though. She's never done anything this bold before. Out of frustration I've tried calling her out on it before but indelicately enough that she would turn it around and use guilt tactics on me or become passive aggressive. About a month ago I was successful in getting her to see what she was doing and she apologized, I think was sincere too.

What makes this more difficult now is now that I'm dealing with my CSA I'm much more emotionally unstable and it will be harder or impossible for me to confront her delicately. I still feel that I need to have a conversation about today's BBQ with her.

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#226926 - 05/26/08 07:20 PM Re: Mom! A Memorial Day BBQ Rant [Re: Barkabus]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
I agree, Bark. It sounds like your previous conversations has "slipped" her mind. Try to stay as calm as you can and let her know that you believe her intentions were well meant, but that planning things like this that involve you and your home is really something that you need to be consulted with beforehand, not told after the fact. Good luck, man, hoping it goes well.

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Eddie

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#226969 - 05/26/08 09:53 PM Re: Mom! A Memorial Day BBQ Rant [Re: EGL]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Bark,

I wish you well on talking to her about this. Take courage and know we're here to support you.

John

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“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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