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#226692 - 05/25/08 11:27 PM suggestions for starting to date again
RecoveringRyan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/11/02
Posts: 28
Loc: new york state
After taking a break from dating for over 6 years while I worked steadily on my recovery, my thoughts are now tending once again to think in that direction. Although my life is pretty livable now, I think my recovery will take a few more years, so whoever I date will have to be very understanding about abuse and recovery. Also, I think what I want is more female companionship and understanding than sex.

Does anybody have any suggestions on finding somebody to date?

Are there any dating websites for people who were abused, or for people in therapy who want to meet other people in therapy?

Do any of you have any inspiring success stories?

Ryan


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#226775 - 05/26/08 10:29 AM Re: suggestions for starting to date again [Re: RecoveringRyan]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Process. It's all about process.

It sounds like you want a friend who's a woman. Just make a friend. Watch what happens.

Process, process, process. What you build will, in the end, be a product of the way you started.

Trust is a product of disclosure. Disclose gradually, as a dance, in time with her disclosure. That makes trust deepen.

I met my wife on a bulletin board where we discussed topics of interest for both of us. Now we still discuss similar topics. We debate and get a kick out of it. Sometimes she lets me win.



Edited by hogan_dawg (05/26/08 10:33 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#226779 - 05/26/08 10:42 AM Re: suggestions for starting to date again [Re: hogan_dawg]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I don't even know where to start as far as dating is concerned. My last relationship a couple years ago went terribly horrible. I was the prince on the white horse coming to save the damsel in distress. I hope I don't do that again its not very healthy. My T told me to find someone who wants to be with me and I want to be with her. Not someone who needs me or me them. There is a big difference between a wanting relationship & a needy one. I think I will take her advice on this since I have been in both and a needy relationship has never worked for me.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#226919 - 05/26/08 06:45 PM Re: suggestions for starting to date again [Re: RecoveringRyan]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Ryan,

Six years after leaving my last support group I found my fiance on Match.com. Two years after my last group I was introduced to someone by a friend. The Match.com experience has so far ended-up much better for me. Watch out for people who understate their ages or weight though. And watch out for people who just want to use you or who are just looking for a sugar daddy.

Trucker51

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#226924 - 05/26/08 07:05 PM Re: suggestions for starting to date again [Re: Trucker51]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Ryan,

I can't remember where I read it, but it said that the majority of people who marry met through friends. It was true in my case in both of my marriages. I think one of the best things to do would be to let your friends, co-workers, etc., know that you are open to seeing people in a dating relationship and see where that goes. Additionally, if you are religious, joining a church is a good place to meet others and make those kind of networking connections. When you meet new people and they ask if you're married, instead of just saying "No", say "No, but I'm still looking." or something like that, to at least let them know that your open to finding someone to meet. Good luck, man, I wish you all the best in this!

_________________________
Eddie

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#226927 - 05/26/08 07:25 PM Re: suggestions for starting to date again [Re: EGL]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
Ryan,

I don't have any advice to give, but I think this is a good topic. I myself really have not dated much. When I was younger, it was much easier to meet girls, as they seemed to sort of just be there. But over the years I have put up walls, and sort of just wasn't the person anymore where the girls tried a bit harder to get my attention (or maybe I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice if they were).

As things are getting a bit easier, and I am learning to have a more positive sense of self, I want to try harder to meet woman and let them in. I have some positive qualities that I feel women are attracted to, and I want to start taking the risk of being more open and less closed off.

As far as physical contact goes, I have those longings, but also as important if not more is the emotional component of a relationship and/or friendship. For as long as I can remember, I have always had that emotional longing and desire to be close to girls/women, but I have had a hard time allowing myself to experience it on the level I would like. To me, the feelings I have are positive and healthy, and I want to allow myself to be me and to let others see the real me that I am. I am sensing it is getting better, but I still haven't breached certain walls yet; it is a work in progress.

Well, sorry I couldn't give you any direct advice, but I do find this thread helpful, so thanks.

Eric


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#226964 - 05/26/08 09:41 PM Re: suggestions for starting to date again [Re: ericc]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Ryan,
My only suggestion is to decide on the quality of person you wnat and research where you might go to find where that kind of quality people could be found. I found my current wife teaching sunday school. I have been very happy with her. I don't know what kind of person you would be happy with but I would start with a list of attributes and go from there. Keeping in mind the universe may have something slightly different for you. Good luck.


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#227553 - 05/29/08 09:18 AM Re: suggestions for starting to date again [Re: Freedom49]
RecoveringRyan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/11/02
Posts: 28
Loc: new york state
To everyone who has posted so far on this thread,
Thanks for your encouragement, suggestions and validation.

Hogan_dawg,
Thanks for sharing your inspiring story. I think internet communities of common interest is one means that I would like to try to see if I can meet somebody, too.

GateKPR4,
I like what your therapist said, too, about finding somebody where you both want each other, rather than need each other. I think I have the tendency to also find somebody who needs me (or who I imagine needs me), so this is a good suggestion for me to bear in mind. I think also that I've done all this recovery work so that I don't have to bring as much trauma-caused need to a relationship and I want to find somebody who is also quite psychologically healthy. One thought is that another person who is also several years into a recovery process might make a good partner for me.

Trucker51,
Thanks for another inspiring story. And for the tips about protecting myself from deception and manipulation on match.com. Did you find this to be a common problem?

EGL,
I really liked your suggestion about saying that I'm still looking when asked whether I'm with somebody. I think I'll start using that expression or a similar one right away!

EricC,
I really appreciate you sharing these details about yourself with me. Reading your self-de>

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#229963 - 06/09/08 10:42 PM Re: suggestions for starting to date again [Re: RecoveringRyan]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Ryan:

In 15 months on Match.com I dated 15 different women. Three of that number were substantially above my income level and only one of those made it beyond the first date. There were three women that I probably could have gone further with. And of the other nine women, almost all of them used some level of deception in their profile or what they told me. At least 6 of the 9 were financially desperate just hoping to use me.

I did have the problem of being away from home 4 to 5 nights per week for my job. Only six of the 15 women were actually willing to consider a relationship like that despite the fact that it was plainly stated in my profile. And only two out of the three that I considered fairly approachable were willing to accomodate my job. There were many who thought that once I got to know them that I would be willing to quit the best job that I've ever had in my life. The only job that I've ever had where I made enough money to afford to live where I do. Several women wanted me to immediately sell my house in order to rescue them from financial disaster or to help fulfil their dream.

The next to last women supposedly lived alone with her teenage son in a small apartment. We exchanged emails several times before setting-up our first meeting at a local restaurant for breakfast. She had two married daughters who were older and who were supposedly on their own. The morning of our first date she called to let me know that her mother was in town and would I mind if she came along?

So it was the three of them and me for brunch. Right away I notice that she is at least 50-60 lbs heavier than she had claimed in her profile. But she was friendly when I took her and her son to play putt-putt golf. Her mother was not terribly friendly though. Then we went by my house. My house would be perfect for a couple with one kid, and even has a separate den and a separate family room. Both this woman and her kid look very happy but her mom blurts out that my house "isn't large enough". Large enough for what, I wondered?

Well, this woman tried to get her mom to shut-up but the old lady sang like a bird. We need at least 4 bedrooms, the old lady said. As it turned out, her mother was moving in and one of the daughters had just broken-up with her old man and was going to be there with her baby too. This woman said nothing about any of this in her profile and she lied about her weight too. It was just going to be her and her 15 year old kid. Maybe we would see the older girls once in a while. If you put it together with her job, they were one step above being a welfare family. Her ex- was a deadbeat who was years behind on child support. I kind of liked her son, but he alone wasn't enough to overcome the deception and the fact that her mother was obviously in control.

There are plenty of dating sites out there. EHarmony.com is one that does a better job of screening than Match does but how do you know if someone is stretching the truth? In Denver there are many thousands of women on Match. Glad to hear that you are to the point of wanting to date again. If you use one of the dating sites just be careful and at least now you know a little more about what to expect and watch out for.

Good luck in your search and in your continuing recovery.

Trucker Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#229971 - 06/09/08 11:23 PM Re: suggestions for starting to date again [Re: Trucker51]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
I wouldn't use a dating internet site, i mean i know there could be benefits and some people may work out, but it's not something that i would ever consider. Hogan is right in that it is a process, no quick fix to this kind of thing-finding a partner, and also Roger makes the point well, you have to think about what kind of person matches you and where you will find that kind of person, not just go on some dating site like a pic'n'mix i like dogs you like dogs kind of operation. I know people have had success with those kind of sites but this is just my opinion.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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