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#226661 - 05/25/08 09:17 PM Oh, those old feelings never go far....
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
It happens so much less than it used to, but I am always so surprised when something triggers some of my old feelings of self-hate, self-doubt, guilt, shame, etc....

I was doing great... best I've been in forever - and then a situation came up and I fell of my pedistal HARD.

The only solace is that I have you all here - and a few special, close friends to help me through. I also seem to be able to recover more quicky than I used to, but when you are in the depths, feeling "good" again seems impossible.

Thanks, just being able to post this helped so much,

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#226781 - 05/26/08 10:51 AM Re: Oh, those old feelings never go far.... [Re: dannym]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Dan,

When I do have those "good days/moments/events/feelings/thoughts", I seem to always have the thoughts and fears that soon, real soon, I am going to be triggered yet again, nd the real Ken is back. Seems if I am doing good and feeling good, I feel so guilty for feeling that way. Why am I feeling good? I shouldn't be having fun, I don't deserve to feel this way.

However, I am enjoying those moments in my life when I do feel like I am "somebody". I know I must be crazy the way my mind works. Yesterday was a great day for me, went for a long ride on my Goldwing with a friend. We laughed, had a few beers, enjoyed the Colorado mountains and I never once thought about my CSA. Of course, now today I feel like I have to make up for having fun yesterday and need to punish myself.

Why I feel guilty when my life is going well, I don't know. Guess it is something I need to work on.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#226785 - 05/26/08 11:02 AM Re: Oh, those old feelings never go far.... [Re: KENKEN]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
You said "I also seem to be able to recover more quickly..."

The research indicates that's one of the outcomes of good therapy. Whatever you're doing is probably working. \:\)

I think for people like us we're always going to have moments like you've mentioned, from time to time. Thank goodness it's not, like, 24/7.

Ken you know the story of how they treated trauma in war time? They sent the traumatized person back on their horse, and into battle. You KNOW your self flagellation comes from CSA. So the Doctor says Get back on the Goldwing and do it again! Go for another ride! What the hell? It makes you happy.

(Not meaning to be a pisant, but the booze depresses, y'know...you might just be hung, lol - no seriously, a little bit can depress the CNS and that depression can trigger the old self rebuke - I get that with 2 beer and a game of pool - I still have the two beer and the pool game, but I know what to expect the next day)



Edited by hogan_dawg (05/26/08 01:08 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#226787 - 05/26/08 11:06 AM Re: Oh, those old feelings never go far.... [Re: dannym]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Dan,
I go through this about every couple months or so and I know what you mean when you say "fell off the pedestal hard" because thats how it works for me. I got a double whammy since I have bi-polar II which is being treated but it does not stop me from falling in the depths of despair. Just know it will pass is the best I can tell you. I have to tell myself that its only temporary and it helps me through it.

Knowing that it is not as bad or lasts as long as it used to is progress and its a good thing to focus on knowing its going to pass.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#226955 - 05/26/08 09:22 PM Re: Oh, those old feelings never go far.... *DELETED* [Re: GateKPR4]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#226959 - 05/26/08 09:29 PM Re: Oh, those old feelings never go far.... [Re: awakening]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
I'm glad posting this helped, Dan. Many times, just writing it out and knowing that someone else is listening to what you're going through makes all the difference in the world. Just remember that all that old self-hate, doubt, guilt, and shame is a direct product of the past and is not yours to own.

_________________________
Eddie

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#226960 - 05/26/08 09:31 PM Re: Oh, those old feelings never go far.... [Re: EGL]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
What Eddie said, and also remember it is AlL lies. There is nothing wrong with your atitude a good hug would not fix.

(((((Dan))))))


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#226966 - 05/26/08 09:48 PM Re: Oh, those old feelings never go far.... [Re: Freedom49]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Thanks, guys.

Had a much better day today. I joke with my best friend that I have two moods, elation and suicidal... it's only funny because it's partly true.

But you are right, guys, talking about it, haveing friends listen, knowing I'm making huge progress and hugs from my pals all make it all so much more manageable.

Thank you all for your support.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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