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#226461 - 05/24/08 11:53 PM what is a cop out? what is real?
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
My husband tells me he doesn't know what to do to feel? is that true or a cop out? He says I dont care about you. Real or cop out? There are other things that are said. What I am hoping for is people on this forum to tell me some of the things you say or do to a loved one that you know is wrong. Please let me know what is real if you can . Thanks



Edited by chrty (05/24/08 11:54 PM)
_________________________
if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

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#226468 - 05/25/08 12:27 AM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: chrty]
tazrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/08
Posts: 88
Loc: FL USA
Chrty

I believe it is possible for your H not to feel anything or very little. I have began therapy last month because I got to a point that I felt very little about anything. Now, I must think about feeling something all the time to retrain myself to feel something.

Is it a cop out? If he does not understand why he is doing it, then I feel it is a cop out. Sorry that may not be the popular opinion. That is mine.

Your H can go on drafting through life or HE can figure out that he has a problem. It took me 24 years to realize that I had a problem. He needs to get some help, but he can not be pushed. He must walk on his own.

I hope this help.

Gregg


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#226556 - 05/25/08 12:52 PM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: tazrad]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
chrty,

You H is probably speaking pretty accurately when he says he doesn't know what to feel. I only remember really "feeling" love one time in my life as a teenager. I do remember feeling a lot of emotional pain as a teen but I gradually and subconsciously learned to put that away too because it seemed there was no use trying to find an answer to it.

What resulted was an adult who could function in life (sorta) and who could feel things on a superficial level, amusement, slight sadness, that sort of thing, but the pervading emotion in my life was anger, but I could not feel. I knew something was wrong and that I should be able to feel some of the stuff but I could not. I even gave up worrying about that deciding that this was the way adult life was.

So yeah, I don't doubt your husband at all. He's probably telling you the truth but until he realizes he needs help there's not much you or anyone else can do. Until then you will have to decide what to do to take care of you. What are you willing to live with and for how long? Can you see yourself in this relationship just like it is ten, twenty-five, forty years from now?

Sometimes we survivors need to be brought face to face with how much we stand to loose if we continue our present course. In the end it comes down to a matter of individual choice - - his and yours.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#226572 - 05/25/08 02:21 PM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: WalkingSouth]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
I am seeing someone thank you very much. She is a holistic therapist. I also feel that this forum is also good therapy. I feel empowered. Since as a child my mother was a sexual abuser and father a ninny. I was the only child not abused.. sexually. I feel comfortable here.
My husband because I have been letting him read some of the forum. Went to see a therapist. Well see from there.
Ready gentlemen. ... He believes that t whom alredy spoke of $145 a session ,no sliding scale, wants only money.
Gentlemen and ladies. Is this a cop out? Can you all tell me some cop outs you all use?
Thanks

_________________________
if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

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#226638 - 05/25/08 07:12 PM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: chrty]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Dear chrty,
I would say from the experience that I've had, that yes, if he says he's not sure what he feels, he probably isn't. If he says he doesn't care about you, I'd say, stick it out because what he probably means to say is actually, that he needs space. I honestly don't think there's a right or wrong overall, because only you know him the way that you do. Whatever your heart, (not his words) is telling you is real, most likely is.
It could be that he's not sure what he's feeling. It could be he's not to the point where he feels he can talk about it, the list is endless and as frustrating as it is, the next move is his. You have to focus on being more creative. Finding ways for to show him what is real so he can see it for himself. It isn't enough for you to simply "tell" him something. He's not going to "get it" until he hears or sees it for himself. And not from you, you're too close, in his mind you'll lie to him to make it all better. Take it from me, show him. Find a way to show him. You can feel free to PM me if you want.
Take care of you.
Always,
Liv


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#226755 - 05/26/08 09:22 AM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: Liv2124]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I think the $145 is a little steep. I would hope the therapist is really experienced in male victimization issues. That might justify the cost, but if s/he is just a generalist, you could probably do better with another person. Check out the "Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping" article on this site.

It basically comes down to the question of value of getting rid of the problem. Can you put a price tag on say, getting rid of chronic back pain for XXX $ if you were suffering? A lot of people are willing to live in pain, physical or emotional, because they are afraid of the cost of changing or don't believe that things could get better.

Tough to put a price tag on happiness.


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#226797 - 05/26/08 11:36 AM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I'm with Ken on this $145 is a bit much unless he specializes in male CSA. I also understand your husbands reaction to the Ts high rate and unwillingness to have a sliding scale. He feels that the therapist is concerned with his own needs regardless of what the consequence is to him, just like his abuser. As far as not knowing what he feels I can understand that, I have trouble distinguishing feelings.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#226928 - 05/26/08 07:27 PM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: onlyakid]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I don't know that you can put a price tag on this. I know that if he were agreeable, I'd pay for it myself. I believe it's his only way out and I wouldn't want him to have to consider the cost as a "hardship." But that's us, and I can accommodate it. I think before surmising the cost to be a "cop out", you have to take alot into consideration. The overall emotional cost of not investing in therapy could be much more. The therapist should be well versed in treating male survivors, otherwise, I don't know that the outcome will be worth the cost. You wouldn't go to a foot doctor, no matter how good he is, if the problem was your eyesight. Same difference.
You'll have to get more out of your husband to see if the cost is really what's bothering him or if it's just a convenient excuse. I've heard alot of excuses before it came down to his saying, "I just can't do this right now."
Always,
Liv


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#227201 - 05/27/08 08:52 PM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: Liv2124]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
My b/f and I had a long talk this weekend about feelings - he doesn't have them. Let me re-phrase that, he shut them down. Every now and again one sneaks out, but it's very rare and it's terrifying to him so he tucks it away again just as securely as he can. He told me on Sunday night that one of the things he wants from therapy is to feel something, to make a connection to another person 'cause right now, it's not there. Sound familiar Chrty? It's not a cop out, of that I'm quite sure, it's just very sad.

My b/f thinks of things in ways that I could never imagine. What may sound like a cop out is a direct result of the skewed way he looks at much of the world. It doesn't sound the slightest bit reasonable, but to him, it makes perfect sense. When it comes to taking care of or doing something for himself, the reasons - cop outs- for not doing it are boundless because he'll never tell you the real reason - he doesn't think he's worth it.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#227229 - 05/27/08 10:25 PM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: Trish4850]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
When we first "turn off" our feelings, it is a defense mechanism. It would be too terrible to feel some things. Only after we have learned to handle the terrible with some T can we start trusting ourselves to feel again. Little by little


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#227268 - 05/28/08 03:26 AM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: pufferfish]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
so how does someone who turns off their feelings know what to do, who to date, who to marry, etc? How do you know if you like someone, if you don't allow yourself to feel love? What are the other signs that tell you this person (or idea or anything) is special and different?


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#227882 - 05/30/08 04:49 PM Re: what is a cop out? what is real? [Re: rchsweetie]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Dear rchsweetie, I think that has to be one of the best questions I've seen on here,and would love to hear what everyone has to say. NY DAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (05/30/08 04:49 PM)

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