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#226739 - 05/26/08 08:45 AM Re: Do feelings have color? [Re: mogigo]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Hey Mark,

You said that anger is still in your feeling space. And you said "My family almost destroyed me. I don't care to have them continue."

Those are some pretty powerful feelings. I really get you. Ok.

Regarding feeling sorry for yourself and how this has affected your life. I am not sure there's a pat answer for resolving this feeling. Or the feeling of anger. Or any of the potpourri of feelings that overwhelms someone who walks down Survivor Road. You 'should' feel sorry for yourself, because after all, something horrible happened to you and it messed you up severely, in ways only you can truly know. It makes sense to feel sorry for yourself. It also makes sense to feel anger.

Crying is ok. Ok? Just cry. Or get pissed off. Punch the heavens and curse. You should experience whatever your body wants you to feel.

The point is not catharsis, which is all about 'getting it out'. That won't work. The point is, you should cry, get pissed off, feel regret or whatever you want to feel, because you haven't been allowed to feel these things for all of your life. Now you're allowed to feel all the pain that you've bottled up and have been unable (or felt unworthy) to feel. You have that right as a human being, and as a man, to feel from this experience.

You may find yourself crying at the drop of a hat. Don't worry, it's ok, this happens to a lot of guys and it's natural.

Who says you have to have a plan right now? Who says you have to have things in control?

You deserve some time to feel. That time is now. It hurts, it is unpleasant, but once you get to really experience your feelings, you'll have a better idea of where you want to go. You can tag them, name them, and try to get a handle on them when you are good and ready.

I'm feeling shame, where's that feeling come from?
I'm feeling rage, ok I know where that one comes from. Am I angry at myself too?
Was my mistrust of women related somehow? Why don't I trust anyone now?

Questions like this will come as the feelings bubble to the surface. Who cares if you answer them all? The growth is in the journey.

My ride was a roller coaster. And it still is a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I'm so angry at my family for jumping on the abuse bandwagon that I don't want to care. Same with my Father. But one tends to find ways to cope, for the moment, and get by. That's what survivors do. You'll do the same, in your own way.

Good luck.

Dark Empathy - thanks,...I don't think any human being gets away from childhood sexual trauma without permanent damage. The evidence shows that trauma (PTSD and it's variants) by it's very nature is nearly always permanent. Vietnam vets will always recoil when a firecracker goes off. And rape victims will always have trust issues, no matter how effective the therapy. Chernobyl victims are still watchful and wary. Male CSA victims will always find certain contexts and film and topics and touching 'triggering'. That's life. The best we can do is lessen the sting.

If there's one thing I learned from my 10 years of focused study in the area of child cognitive development, it's that you cannot mess with a child in the ways we were messed with, as developing children, and expect to be cured by an immature psychology. The mind is contained within a brain that was messed with while it was still developing - so the theory goes, the younger you are when the abuse happens, the more your developmental trajectory is thrown off. But trauma is still life changing for everyone. So if someone tells you you're going to be 100% cured, they're selling snake oil.

Acceptance means accepting this sad reality too. It sucks, but it's life, and we have to suck it up. We were all of us permanently affected by this abuse (to greater and lesser degrees, of course), I just happen to wear it on my T shirt in angry red lettering. Heh.



Edited by hogan_dawg (05/26/08 09:36 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#226745 - 05/26/08 09:02 AM Re: Do feelings have color? [Re: hogan_dawg]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I think that feelings can have color, words, images and sounds. But that's just me.


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#226747 - 05/26/08 09:03 AM Re: Do feelings have color? [Re: hogan_dawg]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
when I started therapy 3 years ago I used to avoid the abuse like a pile of crap.
I would get close then the stink was too bad and would back off. One day after 2 years of this I stepped right in it and boy did it ever stink. Then I had to deal with it and thats when I found this site. I didn't even know how to identify all the emotions I was feeling and you guys helped. I guess if my feelings had color it would have been muddy or black. Thing is just cause I stepped in the crap doesn't mean I have to stay there. I can get out of the pile and wash off my shoes so it don't stink so bad. Then I can later go back and wash the crap off the floor a little at a time.
As I'm doing here today. I think the more I can get out of my system the better.
bottled up emotion can backfire on me and I got to dump it somewhere.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#226757 - 05/26/08 09:33 AM Re: Do feelings have color? [Re: GateKPR4]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Punch? Curse? I once had a T get upset with me cause he couldn't get me to yell. I don't. I can't scream - it's not in me. As for crying - yeah, for a couple weeks I had been having some onslaught of tears - but I think I've finally got that under control again.

I guess feelings/emotions - they're ok to be felt - but not displayed. For me anyhoo. For you guys that can actually show them, more power to you! That's great. But I've tried that - and it only got me ridiculed and humiliated. So there must be another route.

I look at it this way - for over 50 years I've been able to keep that junk boxed up where it belongs. Ok, so I let the demon out for a while -- and it got to reek havoc for a while - but it's time for the thing to go back into the box for another 50 years.

From what I've seen - guys each handle their feelings in a manner that best suits them. One size does NOT fit all. Frustrating - I had hoped (for a while anyhoo) that there would be more cases of similarity I could draw from. But - we do have one thing in common - we survived that abuse in our pasts. Different abuses - different circumstances - but we survived. Now we get to encourage each other along the way.

So you guys that are able to actually deal with your emotions and your feelings - congratulations! That's a major accomplishment - one you could (and should) be proud of.

The suggestions that I box things up for a short period of time, then reopen them to work on them ... I'm just not there. Box them back up - yes. Shove them back into the cupboards - yes. then lock the cupboards and leave the shit up there where it's not getting in my way anymore. "Trust, emotions, negative thoughts..." I dunno. Trust only leaves you open to further injury. And emotions are only good for leaving you drained, humiliated, and angry. Negative thoughts ... well, I think the word "negative" explains that one away.

The further I get into my "recovery" the more alienated I become from everyone. I thought I felt alone before - it's getting worse, not better. So maybe, just maybe, if I shove all this stuff away - maybe I'll quit losing people to my bursts of emotion, anger, and confusion.

I appreciate the suggestions guys - cause I know they all come from your desires to be helpful. And that is awesome. Thanx.

M



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#226759 - 05/26/08 09:49 AM Re: Do feelings have color? [Re: MarkK]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
If a therapist gets upset at you because you can't yell, s/he belongs in a box. lol

You're saying you're not an emotive person prone to outbursts of emotion and I get what you mean. Sure I can see how any public display could potentially be received badly by others. I too haven't cried a lot in front of other men, for example. There's one point of similarity.

You mentioned that your crying came for a couple of weeks - an 'onslaught of tears' - yeah my crying also comes in waves. Interestingly, a couple of situations have prompted me to get choked up too when I least expected. But I too managed to get those handled in my own way. There's a second point of similarity. A lot of guys get waves of crying.

Yeah I wouldn't want to suggest a One Size Fits All approach for you Mark. I do want to just emphasize the 'normalcy' of what you're feeling. Whether they're in a box, or out on the table with a box of Kleenix, the emotionality makes sense.

Your approach sounds fine to me because you're content with it and you're making it work. But even though it sucks to be in recovery sometimes, please don't dump us Mark, because even if you find the process painful we certainly do need you - and you gotta have a little faith in the power of community and a group of men with the same feeling of 'alone'.



Edited by hogan_dawg (05/26/08 09:56 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#226761 - 05/26/08 09:54 AM Re: Do feelings have color? [Re: hogan_dawg]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: hogan_dawg
Your approach sounds fine to me because you're content with it and you're making it work.

That may be taking it a bit too far, lol. "Content with it"? I see no other way. More like the least of all evils rather than content. I'd still rather it truly be over - but we know that's not gonna happen. As for "making it work" ... well, not unless I can get these damned emotions boxed back up.

But I do have a direction - so maybe that counts for something.

M


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#226763 - 05/26/08 09:57 AM Re: Do feelings have color? [Re: MarkK]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I can dig it. Yeah 'content with it' was maybe a euphemism for 'stuck with it'? lol

Sounds like you're gonna need a strong box! Maybe titanium? lol Just thank goodness you're not a feelingless prig.



Edited by hogan_dawg (05/26/08 09:58 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#226764 - 05/26/08 10:01 AM Re: Do feelings have color? [Re: hogan_dawg]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Definitely a strong box. The thing that scares me the most right now - is that I will literally go crazy before I get this worked out. My hands shake - sometimes so bad I can't even hold a pencil. I feel like I'm hyped up on mega-caffiene and i don't drink the stuff. My pulse is fine - blood pressure is a tiny bit elevated, but nothing that bad or worrisome.

But inside - inside I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. That's why it's SO important I find a way to contain this stuff again. If I lose it completely - I can't even get my mind to think along that line. I canNOT go crazy. I have to maintain control.

Strong box. Yeah. Otherwise they'll only need a pine one for me.


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#226767 - 05/26/08 10:11 AM Re: Do feelings have color? [Re: MarkK]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I have waves of crying also. I don't know if I get it under control or I just get cried out. As far as showing them around others esp. men thats a big NOT. I am surprised I can even say that I have waves of crying. There was a time when I would never admit to that.
Quote:
But inside - inside I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. That's why it's SO important I find a way to contain this stuff again. If I lose it completely - I can't even get my mind to think along that line. I canNOT go crazy. I have to maintain control.

I can definitely relate to that statement.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

Top
#226769 - 05/26/08 10:12 AM Re: Do feelings have color? [Re: MarkK]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Yeah before I acknowledged my abuse I was hospitalized twice for manic episodes, in restraints, under legal warrant, spitting blood from the Police arrest sequence, totally insane and in a mental hospital. I totally get what you mean.

There's a nice man in my group who gave his story last week. He's such a good guy. A really gentle person. But when he was telling his story he was shaking, like, his hands were shaking while he was holding his>


Edited by hogan_dawg (05/26/08 10:19 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
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