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#224792 - 05/18/08 01:21 AM I DIDN"T survive it
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6419
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
While reflecting over a picture of me at 10-ish, and recalling very vividly all that I was dealing with back then...all the fear, all the betrayal, all the coercion, the attacks, the vilification, the isolation, cruelty, pain, pain, more fucking pain!!! I can only come to one conclusion. I didn't.

I simply didn't survive "all that." It devoured at least two itterations of me. Little Robbie died a relatively quick death of horror and realization that this world was not for him. A "middle-me" I who calls himself by another name is not with us today. There are other versions who simply could not hang on any longer. They did not last long at all from what I hear.

So...I have to conclude that I (in a plural sence) did not make it. There was nothing to bury because the damned body kept moving. The poor sack of bones wandered around seeking the next identity to cut and paste.

But I did not survive. Others before me did.

The D.I.D. seems to make more sence to me now.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#224795 - 05/18/08 01:45 AM Re: I DIDN"T survive it [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Rob, you're right.

The person that you WOULD have been, the person that little Robbie would have grown into, a stable, smart, witty, ambitious, goal-driven guy, without problems of PTSD, flashbacks, nightmares, relationship problems, intimacy problems, all that crap. (you had all the former things just mentioned all the time but unfortunately you have the later things now too).

All this aside, you must not forget that you have value, your life has value. (I wouldn't say that about just anyone) Your kids see this value, this online community sees this value, and the members here that have met you in person even more so. And I saw this just yesterday when we spoke about my recent employment situation. You were someone that I could talk to and you would impart to me some practical advice on what to do. There is MUCH GOOD in what you did yesterday.

I'm stumbling through this lol, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes Robbie is fucked up and dealing with a lot of deep emotional wounds, but that hasn't changed Robbie's real self, his heart. Hope this makes sense.


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#224796 - 05/18/08 01:57 AM Re: I DIDN"T survive it [Re: Hauser]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I agree with Alan, I like this Robbie a lot. He has value and he matters to a lot of us. Love you Robbie.


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#224851 - 05/18/08 01:46 PM Re: I DIDN"T survive it [Re: Freedom49]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I don't know which Robbie survived but I do know that he's a good guy one who I like being around.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#224884 - 05/18/08 04:18 PM Re: I DIDN"T survive it [Re: onlyakid]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
My body still lives . But my soul died several years ago

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#225135 - 05/19/08 04:56 PM Re: I DIDN"T survive it [Re: OKIE MIKE]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rob,

I rather like the Rob we have now too, and I see in him so much of the "others" you speak of in your post.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#225529 - 05/21/08 09:11 AM Re: I DIDN"T survive it [Re: Still]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Hi Robbie;

Admittedly I do poorly trying to be an optimistic person. I can't even contemplate the possibility of thinking how I would have turned out in life if I had not been tortured and gang raped at gunpoint. Everything I was before was laid desolate. Oftentimes I can't help but think that I'm just a soulless zombie existing day to day in this mundane world of shit and corruption. Dreaming or Hoping that something can be that doesn't already exist in my life is a waste of idle time. Believing that there's a future grandiose rainbow and that life always has a happy ending is only for lame optimistic thinkers. Shit happens in life which is something I DARE even think God doesn't have the power to change. Life and Death are a integral part of life that has been built into all things living an inanimate. Humans are so preoccupied all their life thinking about prolonging their seemingly unending lives.
People rarely factor the equation of death into their lives.
Strangely; the more older I get the more I contemplate my limited existence. Being or calling myself a ( Survivor ) seems such a lofty word to express my present state in life. When haunted by an unending brainstorm of PAIN, how the hell does anyone every think of their state in life being anything else but mundane existence.

Not a state of mind that's simple to crawl out of. I'm tired of being pacified by shrinks who say ("indirectly") that I have to find new interests in life and more or less suck-up all this pain in my past. I've run a marathon of circles casting self-doubt about my pitiful existence. Many times I've asked myself the the question, what is it that drives me on ? Why do I exist ? I've witnessed so much suffering in life. Not just my own but much in my family. I won't bore you with all the suffering details. However; I am just beginning to see a paradoxical meaning to life. We can choose to muddle through life thinking about our own pain and sufferings always centering our feelings and feeding our ("Me, Myself, and I"). Or we can struggle to find the reason why we exist. Because; in reality where relationships and friendships are developed, we don't really live for ourselves in life. We live for the happiness and peace for others. This I believe is where those of us who have suffered great loss to our sacred identities can begin to draw strength and meaning to life's mundane existence. If we can bring some kind of happiness or peace into another persons drab existence, isn't it worth the challenge ?
Yes; I know this is difficult when we ourselves are overshadowed by so much pain from our past. I'm just beginning to see possibilities that were hidden from my painful sight which I still struggle with. But; verily in truth we all need something tangible to focus on in life. And that focus is not within ourselves. Someday I hope I can truly acknowledge to myself that I really am a rape survivor. Perhaps it is just a dream, who knows.




Edited by jcf1957 (05/21/08 12:43 PM)
_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

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#225744 - 05/22/08 10:03 AM Re: I DIDN"T survive it [Re: jcf1957]
Thomson Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/12/06
Posts: 30
Hi Robie,

I could feel the pain, as when I look at my pictures and videos of childhood, I can't escape to feel the pain in the the eyes of that the child in the video/picture which he is coping with at that moment, while on the outside he is doing stuff like all kids do, trying to act "normal".

_________________________
There is enough light for one to see the truth.

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