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#225697 - 05/22/08 01:19 AM Parents response - may trigger
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Guys,
Here's the response I got from my parents after the state turned down my abusing brother's adoption. This happened after I called DSS and told them to consider my perp's history.
This is a difficult e-mail and it demonstrates their denial - raging denial. I share it for a couple of reasons.
1. I'd like to support in laughing at this. It's so absurd.
2. I hope others can see how deep denial can be in their families. This shit is real and deep.
3. I'll need help in walking away from this. It's not as bad as I thought, but it's awful nonetheless. My job, and you can help, is to walk tall, take care of my self and my inner child, and get love and support from brothers like all of you.
For context, Danny was the boy my brother, Ben, was trying to adopt.

Peace.

Here's the email:


Jackson -

Danny won our hearts. We fell in love with him. He ran “super fast” down the stretch of our beach. His new green bike was “super cool”. He snuggled with me on the living room couch. In a short period of time, he gave us so much joy. Rather than “welcoming a child with open hearts and love”, you double-crossed Ben and abused our trust. You have not protected a child; you have hurt Danny. You have deprived him of the loving and secure home that we were looking forward to giving him.

Unlike Danny, you had choices. You made decisions and acted. Your failure to engage us in your decisions shows disdain for us and for the value of family. Your behavior is perceived by us as angry, thoughtless, and vindictive. As a result of your decisions and actions, you have alienated yourself from us and abandoned our family.

Is this the “recovery process” you told us in February that you were pursuing? To us it has taken the form of a selfish act of vengeance; Danny is the victim.

We told you that there was nothing you could do to make us stop loving you. This will always be true, but we need not agree with or condone your actions. “Hate the sin, not the sinner.”

At the point that you can deal with feelings other than your own, perhaps we can reconsider next steps in reconciling with you.

M & D



Edited by NWcats (05/22/08 01:20 AM)
_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#225698 - 05/22/08 01:26 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
grover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/28/07
Posts: 50
Loc: Tennessee
I'll join in with a rousing WTF!?!?!?!?

_________________________
Shocking revelations, we are all deeply effected.
-the Waitresses "Wise up"

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#225700 - 05/22/08 01:35 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Wow Jackson, this is pretty serious stuff. Once again here is an example of how the offender is framed as the victim and the REAL victim is painted as the offender! I'm so sorry that your family has pitted themselves against you. How alienating is that???

Bark

_________________________
My Story

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#225702 - 05/22/08 02:53 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: Barkabus]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
After reading this email, I can't help but feel anger (bordering on rage) toward your parents . How dare they talk to you like that! Unfortunately, they just don't have a clue and it doesn't appear like they even want one!

Would you consider purchasing a copy of "Victim's No Longer" by Mike Lew, and giving it to your parents? Tell them that after they read the book, you are pretty confident that you will "be at a point where you could deal with feelings other than your own"! I should buy a copy for my mother!

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#225705 - 05/22/08 04:13 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: Brian]
stefalc1 Offline


Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 41
Loc: london, uk
lucky escape for the boy , even if he wasn`t going to be abused sexualy, what the hell would he learn from this .hope the parents wake up and smell the air .
you did the right thing


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#225717 - 05/22/08 08:17 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: stefalc1]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Jackson,
Yep, this is denial alright, major denial. Maybe they are mad at you for making them start to see the truth. As Ben claimed this was normal, maybe Mom and Dad thought Jackson is just blowing this out of proportion and is getting bad advice. Now that DSS says that these "normal" experiences are cause for concern, they now are starting to see maybe your right. But they couldn't have raised a sex offender they are too good of parents for that. It also seems like they are mad because they wanted to adopt a grandson and now thats not happening as well.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#225723 - 05/22/08 08:50 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: onlyakid]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
Wow, Yes, that pissed me off. If I had their phone number I would have been dialing before I finished reading to give them an earful. How completely and totally ignorant. They are in complete denial and it's ignorant denial to boot.

Regardless of their opinion (which although they say everyone is entitled, and their's is 100% wrong and a load of BS) you did the right thing, and you protected that child. He might have felt loved for awhile, but when his new dad started new things..... the safety and goodness for him would have been destroyed. While I know it's possible to say that maybe it wouldn't have happened to him, the fact that your brother things it's "normal" tells me a completely different story.

That up there is some seriously evil shit.


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#225726 - 05/22/08 08:59 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: JustScott]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Man, that was....geez, I don't even know how to describe it. Umm.... shitty? That's the only word I can think of right now. They sound a lot like my parents, though. Total denial.

Jackson, they simply don't have a clue. Not one fucking clue. The fact that things didn't work out the way they wanted shows an enormous amount of selfishness on their part, a total disregard for the emotional well being of you, and complete misunderstanding of what the concept of "family" is supposed to be like. In short, saying they are "dysfunctional" is an understatement.

You DID do the right thing, Jackson. Please keep that in mind. You did.

_________________________
Eddie

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#225731 - 05/22/08 09:10 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: JustScott]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Jackson ...

That hateful piece of garbage is so laughable that it deserves
only one response ... hit the delete button.
Of course I would have replied and torn each and everyone of their sentences apart,
pointing out how totally inappropraite and ignorant they had been.

The fact that they have so little respect for you is evident, they couldn't even give you the decency of saying that tripe
to your face, they sent it in an email !!! How very crude of
them ... parents my ass.

Walking away from family is hard, but when they give you no
option like this ... walk tall and walk fast ...

You did the right thing ... never doubt it \:\)

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#225733 - 05/22/08 09:11 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: EGL]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Jackson,

I am so very sorry this happened. You took the steps you could to protect a child. That can never be a wrong thing. I'm just sorry it is your parents who are so offended by it.

Grover is right. "WTF?"

You have courage, integrity, compassion, and more. Be proud of that, My Friend.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#225739 - 05/22/08 09:48 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
You're right - the letter is not fair. They attack you for "caring only about your feelings" yet the letter runs with THEIR feelings. I think my response would almost directly quote theirs:

Dear M & D

At the point that you can deal with feelings other than your own, perhaps I can reconsider reconciling with you.

Love,
etc etc etc etc


It's a painful letter, being a parent I can understand their hurt at the "loss of a grandson" - but I cannot understand their attacks on you. I'm sorry for your pain.

However, I'm still VERY proud of you for your actions and the bravery you demonstrated to protect a little boy.

M


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#225750 - 05/22/08 10:36 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: MarkK]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Here's a stab at letting loose some of my feelings. These are for this space, not to send to them (yet anyway):

Dear M&D,
It's too bad that Ben has abused another boy and that you show compassion for Danny and not Ben's first victim.
You're right, Danny could not act. He didn't know his would-be-father abused his would-be-uncle. He didn't know that his grandparents would not protect him from Ben's abuse.
I did act to make sure the abuse stopped, the truth was known and the professionals at DSS could make a knowledgeable decision. They made that decision not me.
Speaking the truth and saving children is part of my recovery process.
You have lied, withheld, minimized and participated in an awful collusion. You have not shown an ounce of compassion for my hurt and pain at Ben's hands. You now are accomplices in that abuse. It's the elephant in the room that you fail to see. I didn't double-cross Ben. Ben abused me. I cannot be vindictive. To do that, I would have Ben become a child again and have what he did to me done to him. But I wouldn't allow that. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, even Ben.
Does any of that sound like the "value of family?"
I have found family who loves me, acknowledges and embraces the truth and supports my strength and courage. This family has called me a hero.
For now, I'll stand proudly with them.
You can suffer in your cave. Let me know when you begin to see the light.
Love,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#225756 - 05/22/08 10:59 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Well said Jackson. It really helps to write down what's on our hearts, what we're really feeling, even if we have no intention of delivering that message to those we're writing to. I pray that your parents are eventually able to come around and acknowledge the pain and suffering you have been through. Right now they seem more focused on what they lost...a grandson and a son for your brother. They are blind to the risk that only you could see. You were that child's champion. He may never know what you did for him but that's OK, that's part of the reward...saving a young boy from knowing the torment that we know. I am proud of you Jackson!

Bark


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#225764 - 05/22/08 11:23 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: WalkingSouth]
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1213
Loc: Northern Ohio
You have helped to save a life, Jackson, congradulations on your success.

Based on previous posts, I'm not surprised at all by this email. It seemed plain before this, that they (your M & D) had made up their minds about what the truth was & is.

We know, that for some of us no longer with us, that living with the Truth seemed worse than death. We, the survivors here, have no choice other than to try to struggle thru; but most outsiders, choose to run from the Truth we know, day by day.

It is certainly painful when we, who need the support of our family & friends, are instead thrown to the side.
And it certainly seems as if we are being the victims once again.

Perhaps we are not all equal in our strength & endurance, in what Truth(s) we can handle. Perhaps, for some, it is less difficult to not see the horrors, for it would shine a light upon their own inabilities as humans, as parents, as supports, as whatever we thought we were.

And now, I can see those who pull the wool over their eyes as victims too. For they have also been lied to, mislead,.... brainwashed, into the thinking many of us have experienced.
We know all to well the power our abusers had over us.

Understanding that, perhaps we should not Damn those who not yet walk the path as we are trying to do.

This email is a testimate to the corruptive power, of the psycological war, your 'brother' still wages.
You are on the mend; your parents are still lying out upon the field, not even realizing the wounds they have suffered. Blind, they can only see by the words of deceit your brother whispers.

Try to accept that you can not win the battle others must fight for themselves.
Celebrate the great victory of yor accomplishment.

Sincerely, Paul (Blacken)

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#225765 - 05/22/08 11:27 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: MarkK]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Jackson,
I know this had to hurt like hell. You are right. You parents only see the loss of a grandson that you will never be able to provide them. It is easier to focus on that than face the fact that you and the DSS are correct. You brother is sick. You, as many others have said, did the right thing. Doing the right thing does not lessen the pain of the loss. I know that and I pray for you that you will be comforted. Some day your parents may 'get it'. Probably after your brother is caught with someone else. He will not stop without help and doesn't seem like he will be seeking it. Write them off and move on. Your "family" here will stand behind you.

(((((Jackson)))))


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#225773 - 05/22/08 12:30 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: WalkingSouth]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
DARVO man, DARVO.

You aren't cool until you 'get' DARVO!

http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/~jjf/defineDARVO.html

Sheesh!

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#225775 - 05/22/08 12:33 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: hogan_dawg]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
By the way, I'd be likely to tell them to just go fuck themselves.

Pardon mon Francais



Edited by hogan_dawg (05/22/08 12:33 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#225785 - 05/22/08 12:55 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: WalkingSouth]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I totally agree with arron, You did the right thing...Never doubt yourself.

I sometimes feel that family are the hardest to deal with. I certainly have gotton more support from my friends than anyone else.

I am proud of what you did and how you are handleing this.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#225807 - 05/22/08 02:35 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
WTF!! \:D \:o

Sounds pretty much like the last email from my brother.

And he prob has had the LAST from me!

Ignore them, and it will hurt more than any reply you can
care to think about,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#225906 - 05/22/08 11:05 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: reality2k4]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Mark said "...but I cannot understand their attacks on you."

I can. They knew he was an abuser and they've been covering.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#228160 - 05/31/08 05:18 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: hogan_dawg]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hi guys,
Some time has gone by and I've drafted a new letter to my parents that I want to try out here first. For context, Ben is my older brother and perp. Kafka was a psychiatrist he went to for evaluation about whether he would be likely to reoffend.
My T thought the letter I posted here earlier was great and I should send that. I wanted to be a little less angry and reply not quite so point-to-point.
This is my attempt.
Thanks for the feedback-
Peace and (())s,
Jackson


Dear Mom and Dad,
I don’t really know how to respond to your letter. This is a try.

It feels as though you have not and will not listen to what I have to say. You both seem to be holding onto a different version of the events that happened between Ben and me years ago and the events of the last year.

You seem unable or unwilling to process the fact that I did not disqualify Ben as an adoptive parent. I wanted to make sure that DSS knew about his history and the Kafka evaluation. They knew about neither. The state disqualified Ben. I’m not responsible for Danny’s disposition, Ben is and you must share that responsibility to the extent that you lied, withheld information and minimized Ben's history of abuse. I don't know how deeply you were involved in the process. I only know that Dad lied to me during my last conversation with him. The state didn't have the Kafka evaluation. Had I come to you prior to talking to DSS, I feel certain you would have lied to me about what DSS knew.

I feel that you’d like very much to place the blame on me – the victim of Ben’s abuse. I feel that you’d like me to remain silent, to go away, to disavow the truth. I can’t and I won’t.

I am not optimistic for any kind of reconciliation with you on these matters. I do not want to engage you in any conversation about these matters without a serious commitment from you to show compassion and understanding for a victim of childhood incest sexual abuse. Each time we've talked, you have tried to shame me into remission. That's not healthy or safe for me. I've told you already that by creating safe spaces, I've been able to work on healing and feeling better about myself and what Ben did to me.
Engaging in a relationship with both of you is not within that safety.

You told me you were too old to make a serious commitment to join me in my work. You certainly are not too old to displace responsibility for Ben's failed adoption and your own parenting failures onto me. You certainly are not too old to hurt me - you've done a very good job of that.

It saddens me deeply that this is the situation, that you have taken sides and chosen to comfort Ben, participated in an awful collusion with him and even represented Ben against me. I cannot change that. I suppose if you won't listen to the wisdom of the state of Massachusetts, you won't listen to anyone. You are not alone. Statistics show that more than half of families of incest survivors accept denial rather than confront the truth. A higher amount of perpetrators live in that denial.

Despite this, I would like to continue to have a relationship with you both. I'd like to know about your health, what you are doing and share the same kind of information about my life.
To do this, we need to agree that Ben will not be a part of this relationship and that we will not discuss Ben's failed adoption attempt.

The question for you is if you want to help end the abuse or continue to play a part in it.

I don't want to participate in an endless cycle of letters back and forth where we attempt to argue, where you say one thing and I say another. That's why I ask that we set this aside and proceed with a superficial relationship.

I hope that you reflect deeply on how your respond.

Love,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#228161 - 05/31/08 05:27 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Jackson, that is an excellent letter, man, and you should be very proud of how you are able to stick up for yourself like this. I am just in awe of you. I can't see how they can defend any of their actions in this. And I also agree that this letter is good because it is not mean, unlike theirs to you.

_________________________
Eddie

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#228176 - 05/31/08 06:28 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: EGL]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Jackson that is one of the most gracious and generous letters to a pair of irresponsible parents I have ever seen. You have taken the high road here. Something I have not seen to many people have the strength and courage to do as victims. You are definately the bigger person here. I hope the tone and generosity of this letter will cause them to rethink their attitude toward you and toward your idiot brother. (pardon me I just get angry at things like this). This letter is well thought out and gives them opportunity to accept with out the indignity of outright admitting they are fools. Excellent choice. You are an amazing man.

God luck and I will be praying for your situation.


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#228204 - 05/31/08 09:03 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: Freedom49]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Wow Jackson. You lay it all out very well yet are not "in your face". I honor you for your caring and generosity in that letter. If there is any hope of a redemptive relationship with them it will start right there because you've drawn your boundary as kindly yet firmly as you can.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#229561 - 06/07/08 08:28 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: WalkingSouth]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hi guys,
Thanks for being patient with me. I did some more soul searching and, along with my partner, made some more changes to the letter. I appreciate the feedback.
Peace,
Jackson


Dear Mom and Dad,
I don’t really know how to respond to your letter. This is a try.

It feels as though you have not and will not listen to what I have to say. You both seem to be holding onto a different version of the events that happened between Ben and me years ago and the events of the last year.

You seem unable or unwilling to process the fact that I did not disqualify Ben as an adoptive parent.

Here’s what happened: When I first heard of Ben’s plans to adopt over a year ago, I contacted DSS anonymously to see if they would have concerns about the adoption of a child by someone with a history of sexual abuse. They did have serious concerns and told me this would absolutely need to be considered as part of the adoption process. I assumed that Ben would disclose his history of sexual abuse and his evaluation by Dr. Kafka as part of the adoption process. That was my understanding when Ben wrote me last summer.

Because of a lack of communication from Ben, it was not clear to me that the state made the match with full knowledge of Ben’s sexual abuse history and the Kafka evaluation. When I first learned of the match, I chose to call DSS. My goal was not to stop the adoption, it was to ensure that the state had a complete history so they could make the best decision for a child’s future. I was stunned to find out that no disclosure about Ben's history was made and that DSS knew nothing about Ben’s history of sexual abuse or the Kafka evaluation. At that point, I understand that DSS reopened their investigation and chose to disqualify Ben.

Ben is to blame for this non-disclosure, not me. Ben is to blame for the rejection by DSS, not me. Ben is to blame for what happened to Danny, not me That you blame me and seemingly refuse to acknowledge Ben’s responsibility is upsetting. It reflects what I have sensed for the past year, that you are protecting Ben and yourselves from an underlying truth and displacing responsibility and shame on me.

I feel that you’d like very much to place the blame of Ben’s sexual abuse on me – the victim of the abuse. I feel that you’d like me to remain silent, to go away, to disavow the truth. I can’t and I won’t.

Given our conversations, I am not optimistic for any kind of reconciliation with you on these matters. I’ve tried again and again to get you to understand what Ben has done to me. I have repeatedly asked for you to show compassion and understanding for me, a victim of childhood incest sexual abuse. Each time we've talked, you have tried to shame me into remission. The letter you wrote me continues that cycle.

It saddens me deeply that this is the situation: You have taken sides and chosen to comfort Ben instead of confronting him. You have displayed very little compassion for me and how I have suffered as a victim of Ben’s abuse. I cannot change that. You are not alone. Statistics show that more than half of families of incest survivors live in denial rather than confront the truth. A higher amount of perpetrators live in that denial.

Despite all of this, I would like to continue to have a relationship with you both. I'd like to know about your health, what you are doing and share the same kind of information about my life.
To do this, we need to agree that Ben will not be a part of this relationship.

The question for you is if you want to help end the abuse or continue to play a part in it.


I don't want to participate in an endless cycle of letters back and forth where we attempt to argue, where you say one thing and I say another. That's why I ask that we set this aside.
I hope that you reflect deeply on how your respond.
Love,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#229581 - 06/07/08 09:26 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jackson,

This is an excellent letter and I think you do a really good job of sticking to the facts and avoiding the emotional confrontation. You don't give your parents any "wiggle room", and at the same time you steer clear from anything they could point to as evidence you are being unreasonable.

One further argument you could develop, if you want, is that if Ben has not disclosed his abuse history then chances are he has not taken responsibility for it and dealt with his issues. That means he is a definite risk to any child placed in his care. That reality is not one that can be ignored.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#229648 - 06/08/08 04:28 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: roadrunner]
bejer Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/24/07
Posts: 6
Loc: TX
Jackson,

It looks as tough you are further on in your recovery than I. Your letter gives me hope. Hope that I too will be able to learn how to stand up for myself in a calm respectful way, without compromising the weight of my opinion.

Thank you and keep it up!

bejersound


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#229746 - 06/08/08 06:10 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: bejer]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Larry and Bejer-
Thanks for your thoughts. It's good to hear all of what you have to say adn helps me feel stronger about where I'm standing.
Peace-
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#229748 - 06/08/08 06:29 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Jackson, HOLY SHIT! Is this real? Are these people real? They're not conjured up holograms but actual REAL PEOPLE, with BRAINS?

Ok, seriously here, this is what I would do next.

I've not read your story (as I recall), but I suggest that you give those parents of your ALL OF THE GORY DETAILS OF YOUR BROTHER SEXUALLY ABUSING YOU, ALL OF IT, EVERY LITTLE FUCKING DETAIL! Let's see them deny this THEN!


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#229749 - 06/08/08 06:37 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: Hauser]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hauser-
Thanks. I've thought of that but even then I'm not sure they'll hear it or get it. I have my statement that I read to DSS that tells me story, or much of it. I'll post it in the stories section sometime soon.

It is hard to believe the denial they're in. They see the world upside down for sure. But I'm not sure what would change that. My partner calls them "fucking insane."

Peace,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#233981 - 06/27/08 12:18 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hi guys,
Well I thought I should end the loop on this. Here's the letter I sent tonight to my folks. After praying about this a lot, I settled on this approach suggested by a good friend.
I hope for the best with this, but I'm not convinced it will be received with anything but anger.
Peace, Jackson


Dear Mom and Dad,

It’s taken me some time to respond to you. My hope is to respond from a position of love and not anger.

I can only begin to imagine how difficult it is for you to be confronted with an impossible choice. If you accept Ben's version of our childhood events, then you must believe that I am malevolent and untruthful. If you accept my version of the truth, you would have to believe things of Ben that are even worse.

Now, I am not asking you to take sides or choose between Ben and me. Rather I ask you to suspend judgment and open yourselves to the possibility of an independent relationship with each of us, understanding that at this point in time, Ben and I cannot have a shared relationship with you.

In your letter, you reiterated an expression of unconditional love for me. I want you to know that I love the two of you unconditionally, as well.

I care about you and your health and wellbeing and do not wish to be out of communication and contact with you. This last year has been difficult for all of us, but I am committed to working with you toward reconciliation and I hope and pray that both of you will agree to do the same.

With love,

Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#233988 - 06/27/08 01:13 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Jackson,

You took the high road. That's a very good letter. It allows them maintain relationships with both of their sons if they choose. I don't think they could ask any more of you.

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#233992 - 06/27/08 02:31 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: Brian]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Jackson,

I think that your letter shows a level of sophisticated personal growth and understanding. I can only hope that the outcome brought on by this letter is of similar understanding, love and commitment as you have shown.

For some reason my entire living room smells like a bounce dryer sheet. I'm not sure why.

~Bri

_________________________
Boom!

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