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#228160 - 05/31/08 05:18 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: hogan_dawg]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hi guys,
Some time has gone by and I've drafted a new letter to my parents that I want to try out here first. For context, Ben is my older brother and perp. Kafka was a psychiatrist he went to for evaluation about whether he would be likely to reoffend.
My T thought the letter I posted here earlier was great and I should send that. I wanted to be a little less angry and reply not quite so point-to-point.
This is my attempt.
Thanks for the feedback-
Peace and (())s,
Jackson


Dear Mom and Dad,
I donít really know how to respond to your letter. This is a try.

It feels as though you have not and will not listen to what I have to say. You both seem to be holding onto a different version of the events that happened between Ben and me years ago and the events of the last year.

You seem unable or unwilling to process the fact that I did not disqualify Ben as an adoptive parent. I wanted to make sure that DSS knew about his history and the Kafka evaluation. They knew about neither. The state disqualified Ben. Iím not responsible for Dannyís disposition, Ben is and you must share that responsibility to the extent that you lied, withheld information and minimized Ben's history of abuse. I don't know how deeply you were involved in the process. I only know that Dad lied to me during my last conversation with him. The state didn't have the Kafka evaluation. Had I come to you prior to talking to DSS, I feel certain you would have lied to me about what DSS knew.

I feel that youíd like very much to place the blame on me Ė the victim of Benís abuse. I feel that youíd like me to remain silent, to go away, to disavow the truth. I canít and I wonít.

I am not optimistic for any kind of reconciliation with you on these matters. I do not want to engage you in any conversation about these matters without a serious commitment from you to show compassion and understanding for a victim of childhood incest sexual abuse. Each time we've talked, you have tried to shame me into remission. That's not healthy or safe for me. I've told you already that by creating safe spaces, I've been able to work on healing and feeling better about myself and what Ben did to me.
Engaging in a relationship with both of you is not within that safety.

You told me you were too old to make a serious commitment to join me in my work. You certainly are not too old to displace responsibility for Ben's failed adoption and your own parenting failures onto me. You certainly are not too old to hurt me - you've done a very good job of that.

It saddens me deeply that this is the situation, that you have taken sides and chosen to comfort Ben, participated in an awful collusion with him and even represented Ben against me. I cannot change that. I suppose if you won't listen to the wisdom of the state of Massachusetts, you won't listen to anyone. You are not alone. Statistics show that more than half of families of incest survivors accept denial rather than confront the truth. A higher amount of perpetrators live in that denial.

Despite this, I would like to continue to have a relationship with you both. I'd like to know about your health, what you are doing and share the same kind of information about my life.
To do this, we need to agree that Ben will not be a part of this relationship and that we will not discuss Ben's failed adoption attempt.

The question for you is if you want to help end the abuse or continue to play a part in it.

I don't want to participate in an endless cycle of letters back and forth where we attempt to argue, where you say one thing and I say another. That's why I ask that we set this aside and proceed with a superficial relationship.

I hope that you reflect deeply on how your respond.

Love,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#228161 - 05/31/08 05:27 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Jackson, that is an excellent letter, man, and you should be very proud of how you are able to stick up for yourself like this. I am just in awe of you. I can't see how they can defend any of their actions in this. And I also agree that this letter is good because it is not mean, unlike theirs to you.

_________________________
Eddie

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#228176 - 05/31/08 06:28 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: EGL]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Jackson that is one of the most gracious and generous letters to a pair of irresponsible parents I have ever seen. You have taken the high road here. Something I have not seen to many people have the strength and courage to do as victims. You are definately the bigger person here. I hope the tone and generosity of this letter will cause them to rethink their attitude toward you and toward your idiot brother. (pardon me I just get angry at things like this). This letter is well thought out and gives them opportunity to accept with out the indignity of outright admitting they are fools. Excellent choice. You are an amazing man.

God luck and I will be praying for your situation.


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#228204 - 05/31/08 09:03 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: Freedom49]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Wow Jackson. You lay it all out very well yet are not "in your face". I honor you for your caring and generosity in that letter. If there is any hope of a redemptive relationship with them it will start right there because you've drawn your boundary as kindly yet firmly as you can.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#229561 - 06/07/08 08:28 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: WalkingSouth]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hi guys,
Thanks for being patient with me. I did some more soul searching and, along with my partner, made some more changes to the letter. I appreciate the feedback.
Peace,
Jackson


Dear Mom and Dad,
I donít really know how to respond to your letter. This is a try.

It feels as though you have not and will not listen to what I have to say. You both seem to be holding onto a different version of the events that happened between Ben and me years ago and the events of the last year.

You seem unable or unwilling to process the fact that I did not disqualify Ben as an adoptive parent.

Hereís what happened: When I first heard of Benís plans to adopt over a year ago, I contacted DSS anonymously to see if they would have concerns about the adoption of a child by someone with a history of sexual abuse. They did have serious concerns and told me this would absolutely need to be considered as part of the adoption process. I assumed that Ben would disclose his history of sexual abuse and his evaluation by Dr. Kafka as part of the adoption process. That was my understanding when Ben wrote me last summer.

Because of a lack of communication from Ben, it was not clear to me that the state made the match with full knowledge of Benís sexual abuse history and the Kafka evaluation. When I first learned of the match, I chose to call DSS. My goal was not to stop the adoption, it was to ensure that the state had a complete history so they could make the best decision for a childís future. I was stunned to find out that no disclosure about Ben's history was made and that DSS knew nothing about Benís history of sexual abuse or the Kafka evaluation. At that point, I understand that DSS reopened their investigation and chose to disqualify Ben.

Ben is to blame for this non-disclosure, not me. Ben is to blame for the rejection by DSS, not me. Ben is to blame for what happened to Danny, not me That you blame me and seemingly refuse to acknowledge Benís responsibility is upsetting. It reflects what I have sensed for the past year, that you are protecting Ben and yourselves from an underlying truth and displacing responsibility and shame on me.

I feel that youíd like very much to place the blame of Benís sexual abuse on me Ė the victim of the abuse. I feel that youíd like me to remain silent, to go away, to disavow the truth. I canít and I wonít.

Given our conversations, I am not optimistic for any kind of reconciliation with you on these matters. Iíve tried again and again to get you to understand what Ben has done to me. I have repeatedly asked for you to show compassion and understanding for me, a victim of childhood incest sexual abuse. Each time we've talked, you have tried to shame me into remission. The letter you wrote me continues that cycle.

It saddens me deeply that this is the situation: You have taken sides and chosen to comfort Ben instead of confronting him. You have displayed very little compassion for me and how I have suffered as a victim of Benís abuse. I cannot change that. You are not alone. Statistics show that more than half of families of incest survivors live in denial rather than confront the truth. A higher amount of perpetrators live in that denial.

Despite all of this, I would like to continue to have a relationship with you both. I'd like to know about your health, what you are doing and share the same kind of information about my life.
To do this, we need to agree that Ben will not be a part of this relationship.

The question for you is if you want to help end the abuse or continue to play a part in it.


I don't want to participate in an endless cycle of letters back and forth where we attempt to argue, where you say one thing and I say another. That's why I ask that we set this aside.
I hope that you reflect deeply on how your respond.
Love,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

Top
#229581 - 06/07/08 09:26 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jackson,

This is an excellent letter and I think you do a really good job of sticking to the facts and avoiding the emotional confrontation. You don't give your parents any "wiggle room", and at the same time you steer clear from anything they could point to as evidence you are being unreasonable.

One further argument you could develop, if you want, is that if Ben has not disclosed his abuse history then chances are he has not taken responsibility for it and dealt with his issues. That means he is a definite risk to any child placed in his care. That reality is not one that can be ignored.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#229648 - 06/08/08 04:28 AM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: roadrunner]
bejer Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/24/07
Posts: 6
Loc: TX
Jackson,

It looks as tough you are further on in your recovery than I. Your letter gives me hope. Hope that I too will be able to learn how to stand up for myself in a calm respectful way, without compromising the weight of my opinion.

Thank you and keep it up!

bejersound


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#229746 - 06/08/08 06:10 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: bejer]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Larry and Bejer-
Thanks for your thoughts. It's good to hear all of what you have to say adn helps me feel stronger about where I'm standing.
Peace-
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

Top
#229748 - 06/08/08 06:29 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: NWcats]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Jackson, HOLY SHIT! Is this real? Are these people real? They're not conjured up holograms but actual REAL PEOPLE, with BRAINS?

Ok, seriously here, this is what I would do next.

I've not read your story (as I recall), but I suggest that you give those parents of your ALL OF THE GORY DETAILS OF YOUR BROTHER SEXUALLY ABUSING YOU, ALL OF IT, EVERY LITTLE FUCKING DETAIL! Let's see them deny this THEN!


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#229749 - 06/08/08 06:37 PM Re: Parents response - may trigger [Re: Hauser]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hauser-
Thanks. I've thought of that but even then I'm not sure they'll hear it or get it. I have my statement that I read to DSS that tells me story, or much of it. I'll post it in the stories section sometime soon.

It is hard to believe the denial they're in. They see the world upside down for sure. But I'm not sure what would change that. My partner calls them "fucking insane."

Peace,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

Top
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