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#225588 - 05/21/08 05:16 PM another mountain to climb
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
so, i'm reading other survivor's stories, and - being the type person i am - "comparing notes" - and being very thankful that, in comparison to some, my abuse wasn't "as bad". then this thought hits me:

"Even though my oldest sister did fondle, torture, stick things ... where they didn't belong - i was only 2 years old so it's not like it was that big a deal."

}sigh{

Yet another mountain for my T and i to look at.

Anybody else minimize the impact of their abuse because of their age at the time? Or maybe you used to but you have worked through it? i'm just curious if this is a "usual" thing for survivors....

M


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#225593 - 05/21/08 05:37 PM Re: another mountain to climb [Re: MarkK]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Mark,

I'm just like you. I compare notes. As overwhelmingly difficult as it is for me on an emotional level to work through my CSA, I read the stories of many others and I am horrified at what some people have been through. Some of it makes me sick to my stomach.

I have pretty good recollection of two different perps at two different times in my life, from 10-13 and from 16-17. Thing of it is, by my own estimation, the enormity of the emotional distress that I am going through doesn't seem to match what I currently recall from memory. I know we're all affected differently so I may just be off base. However, I'm sensing more and more that there may have been a CSA incident when I was much younger (2-5 year range). I don't have any specific memories of this but when I have periods of emotional release, I feel quite strongly that there is something else under the surface waiting to pop up. There are several hints that I do have snapshot memories of that make me suspect this age range but the snapshots on their own are inconclusive.

Mark, if you don't mind me asking, how did you become aware of your CSA when you were 2? Was it a repressed memory that came back to you? If so, what do you think prompted its come back?

Thanks,
Bark

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#225594 - 05/21/08 05:46 PM Re: another mountain to climb [Re: Barkabus]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
It still is mostly a repressed memory - I barely have "pieces of pieces" of the whole thing. I was attending an Outward Bound weekend with other male survivors - one of them had a bad dissociation event - something in what was going on triggered me. While talking to the counselor there, I suddenly had the emotions and bits of memory flood me. I could hardly speak - it was like I couldn't think of any words to explain it.

Once I was more grounded and talking to the counselor - he asked me if I could define how old I felt. I felt like I was 2. Maybe 3, but for some reason 2 was REAL strong. He said that would fit with my being unable to vocalize what I was going through because 2 years of age is very much before any major ability in conversing.

Most of my past is a mystery - until about the age 11 - which was when my oldest sister (first perp) moved away.

Hope that answers some of your questions.

M

BTW - until that weekend - I had thought the earliest episode was when I was 5 or 6 - by a friend of my father's...


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#225598 - 05/21/08 06:05 PM Re: another mountain to climb [Re: MarkK]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Thanks Mark. It is odd how dissociative amnesia works and even odder how bits and pieces of memories come back. The snapshot I have is of me in my crib crying and I was trying to remove my diaper. As weird as it sounds, I was sexually stimulated by the act of trying to remove my diaper. I inadvertently discovered masturbation then. At least that is what I think occurred. However, in the snapshot there is someone else in the room. I think it was my brother. That's all I got.

Oh wait, another detail that just now came back...my brother and I shared a bedroom back then. We didn't share the bedroom for very long. I don't think it was more than a year or two.

Bark



Edited by Barkabus (05/21/08 06:26 PM)
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#225655 - 05/21/08 09:59 PM Re: another mountain to climb [Re: Barkabus]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
pieces of memories can be frustrating - but I've found the hard way that trying to force them can actually re-traumatize you. I'm very careful now if a memory surfaces. I will write it down if I can, then leave it alone until I can review it with my T.

this is becoming a lesson in patience and self control - neither of which have EVER been my strong points...

M


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