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#225411 - 05/20/08 10:21 PM Every once in awhile...
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I have to post this. I know that for some of you, it may not seem like such "The BIG Deal", but in a relationship like ours, this was a huge thing.
I brought my SO to a work function. While I consider myself relatively "close" to a couple of the other Nurse Managers I work with, I've discussed my personal relationship in little detail. Don't get me wrong, I talk about him and make references alot, but I never discuss any personal details about him, or "us".
At the start of the function, a close friend of mine came up to us and upon introduction to him said, " Oh, ----, I feel like I already know you." and proceeded to lean over and kiss him on the cheek. (Again, this is healthcare and unfortunately, we're in the habit of touching everybody. :0( ) I was surprised he didn't react and kind of went along with it.
After the event, we met up with her again and she put her hand on his shoulder. In my mind, I'm thinking, "I wish I'd said something to her..." I was impressed he didn't jump the way he usually does.
When we left, he mentioned it. More like, "You must be really close with her, she kissed me." I apologized to him, because that's how she is. But, (and maybe I'm reaching here), this was an unbelievable step forward on his part. He wasn't dissociating, he was right there the whole time. I don't know what the difference was this time, but there WAS a difference. Every once in awhile, he surprises me this way, when I least expect it. He didn't know alot of these people, they were "my" people. They knew him only from pictures on my desk and from what I've said, and while I tell him alot, I don't go through word for word what I tell people about him. I tell no "secrets", THAT he knows. Not knowing what would happen, it had never occurred to me to say, "He doesn't like to be touched."
I have to share this because the irony is unbelievable. My middle son is named after my SO. He's autistic and can't stand to be touched by anyone, even me. It makes him uncomfortable. I'm in the habit of telling people that right away, because it's so significant, and my son prefers people know so it doesn't happen. If you know anything about autism, there is a sensory component that is primary to everything else.
What's difficult when it comes to my SO is that he wants nothing revealed and has, at times said, "You didn't tell him/her I'm gay, did you?" I don't. And I've never admitted this before, but I don't think I've ever really believed that he is. (This must sound sick to most of you!) Sometimes I tell myself that I must be in denial, but no matter how hard I try, what I see and what I feel don't add up.
I must sound pathetic, I'm sure. But I just felt compelled to share this.

Always,
Liv


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#225483 - 05/21/08 12:51 AM Re: Every once in awhile... [Re: Liv2124]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Liv,

Thanks for posting this, as it made me sit and think for a while about my own way of dealing with some people who come across the way your co-worker did with your SO. I think that people have a "sense" of whether some others seem safe to them or not. I know I find myself doing that when I meet someone, it's like there is this internal mechanism that sizes them up to determine whether they are to be trusted or not. There are some people just come across as seeming naturally "safe" to allow them to touch us and be in our more intimate personal space. I wonder if that is why your SO allowed that as well and had the reaction that he did to her? Perhaps he just instinctively felt she was safe?

_________________________
Eddie

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#225513 - 05/21/08 08:11 AM Re: Every once in awhile... [Re: EGL]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Liv,
Sounds like progress to me, if he trusted your friend enough not to freak out then he felt safe. It might be that this could happen more often, the first time is the hardest. I used to not like being touched but after 4 1/2 years in AA I got used to lots of hugs and I got over it. I kind of miss all those hugs and all the people there but thats a story for another time. Congrats to both of you on the progress.
peace & light

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
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#225540 - 05/21/08 09:52 AM Re: Every once in awhile... [Re: GateKPR4]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1965
Loc: durham, north england
Live, one thing that occurs to me is perhaps it was the environment? I know myself, that while on a dayly basis I hate being touched, there are occasions when I'm fine with it, even from comparative strangers, parties etc being one of them.

I know myself I've relaxed about touching on several occasions, particularly at socials, and even more particularly on stage, simply because the environment is a more relaxed one and it's just what is done in that situation, with no strings attached and no implications. AAlso, because! it's part of the environment, I'm expecting it.

Of course, this might just be me. Most of the social type functions I go to are with theatrical people, ---- who tend to be a very physical bunch in general (it's one of the few occasions in England I've seen where blokes routinely hug eachother), especially around major productions (I've even volunteered hugs with people at those times).

But I wonder if it also applies to other sorts of gatherings as well?

Sorry if I'm going in completely the wrong direction here.


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#225634 - 05/21/08 08:52 PM Re: Every once in awhile... [Re: dark empathy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Liv,

I'm really glad you two had a nice evening. I don't think it really matters why he didn't flinch when your friend was so friendly, the point is he didn't. I tend to agree with Eddie in that sometimes, we just get a "feeling" about someone, good or bad which dictates our reactions to them, especially in the first few moments. Of course, the fact that you know these folks and like them gave them a leg up in your S/O's eyes because he trusts you!

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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