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#225050 - 05/19/08 11:56 AM Numbing
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I don't know if I am a survivor, but I just kept going. My life is a total loss. I didn't know why I was so angry all my life, I just knew I didn't like men and didn't like men touching me. I have a therapist and I'm always telling him not to touch me or come too close. If he gets too close, I start to cry. Sounds stupid. I'm not a weak person, but I just start to cry. I realized that I have been numbing myself my whole life with numerous addictions. I know I need to stop numbing, but I don't know how. I do okay sometimes, then the addictions come back and I start to numb myself. I guess this is my way of not feeling the pain, the hurt. Anyone have any ideas how to deal with the numbing issue and what to do when the pain gets too bad?


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#225057 - 05/19/08 12:14 PM Re: Numbing [Re: LW1527]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
LW,
Just as we sometimes cannot go "cold turkey" from strong addictions you may not be able to stop numbing out all at once.

There is a reason you numb out even if you do not know it yet. There is some serious pain there. Your T will help you wean off and slowly start the feeling process that will bring you back to a normal feeling individual again but it will be painful.

Remember it is only pain, it will not harm you now. You are all grown up. You are stronger than you think. Larry once said to someone that all the courage and strength you need is already there inside you. You just have to allow it to come out. You can do it but do it at your own pace. It is necessary for you to heal.

Thanks for sharing this. Welcome to MS. You are not alone in this. You can make it through this and your T and us guys here can help.


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#225064 - 05/19/08 01:06 PM Re: Numbing [Re: Freedom49]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Thanks for your response. I'm not used to getting responses since I have always done everything on my own. That is why I am such a loser because I don't reach out. Anyway, this numbing thing, this chronic addiction feels like it has left me without a soul inside. I tried men's groups and addiction groups before. They feel very shameful and horrible to go to so I stopped. But this feels different. It mean a lot to talk to someone who knows. You talk about pain. Boy! How much more pain is there? It's like a endless lake of pain. But I'll try again. Maybe with MS help I can get through this one. Thanks again!!


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#225507 - 05/21/08 07:46 AM Re: Numbing [Re: LW1527]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
LW:

You try to isolate yourself and don't ask for help because you are trying to protect yourself. Feeling safe is very important to the survivor in early recovery. Any kind of personal touching is another very tough issue, and so is trying to trust other people.

I used to tell people that I had become depressed again when trying to explain every other huge cocaine binge of my past life. In other words, I was numbing myself. If you are still using drugs they have to go too. There is no such thing as going back to a manageable level of addiction. Your best chance for success in your therapy is off of illegal drugs.

Please read my story, which I posted on the back end of your rape at gunpoint post. Tonight has been my first night on this site, and your sharing has already helped me to come forward with my own example of a very tough issue, for only the 2nd time in 33 years. All of my other abuse has been extensively gone over for many years now.

I offer my deepest sympathy and hope that you continue your search to rid yourself of your demons. When will you be there? When your focus swings away from the horrors of your past to enthusiasm for your future. It will be a gradual process full of painful issues and it can be a rocky road.

I have done it and I know that you can do it too. I'm not asking you to trust me, I'm just trying to support your continued recovery from this terrible affliction. Trust is something that will come later. The ability to trust others is another recovery milestone.

Detroit57



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#225548 - 05/21/08 10:16 AM Re: Numbing [Re: Trucker51]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Detroit57. welcome to Male Survivor. I am really glad you found us. You story is a huge encouragement. A light at the end of a very dark and deep tunnel. Thank you so much for sharing it. Thank you for reaching out to others. You have a good heart. I am glad your here.


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#225562 - 05/21/08 12:18 PM Re: Numbing [Re: Freedom49]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Thanks everyone for your response. This is new to me. I've tried telling people before, and they just walk away. It's too much to handle I think. When I try to risk, I feel like a freak. I can't even look at people becaue I think they can see my "filth" like I'm covered with something disgusting. I try not to think about it, but I feel like I'm being touched all over again. I can't sleep because it's there. I've tried to stop numbing myself, but then the feelings and memories get worse. I am committed not to drift away this time and get through the memories. Hell, it hurts. I feel like someone has hit me in the head with a brick. My mind is just spinning around. But this isn't new to anyone here. You're right, I don't trust and I hate being touched. But people don't understand that. People just think I have anger issues or just being a jerk. People think I'm just have mood swings. But I see people, people I don't even know and I think they're preverts and peds. I think they're coming to abuse me. This sound so stupid, lame, insane, but it just happens.


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#225571 - 05/21/08 01:28 PM Re: Numbing [Re: LW1527]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
LW what you are experiencing is normal for what you went through and you are ok. You will get through this in time. Yes it will hurt, yes it will be hard to do but you already have show that you have the strength and courage in you to survive and win. Be careful, be safe, and get some professional help. Come here and talk and share or rant whatever. Just know you are not alone, it was not your fault and you will get through it.


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