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#225526 - 05/21/08 08:59 AM Perp brother diagnosed with brain aneurism
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
My mom called tonight to advise me that my older perp brother has just been diagnosed with a brain aneurysm. Whilst I had to ask my mother to say it again and to clarify, other than that, that is the only amount of shock I am feeling at the moment - hearing news that a family member has a potential life threatening affliction.

I have never had a close relationship with my brother. I havenít seen him in close to 10 years. Up till tonight, it wouldnít have bother me if another 10 years went by. He has never liked me Ė and told my parents that fact when he was 15 and I was 12. I overhead that conversation. Heís has done his best to live up to that. Iím not part of his life and heís not part of mine.

Iím feeling nothing in regards to this news. From what I know, and from what my mother has conveyed, this could be terminal. It could also be cured. Nobody knows at this stage. Despite the outcome, Iím feeling very Ďneutralí as I contemplate either outcome.

Iím asking myself am I a bad person for not feeling any sadness or anything else? I feel so detached from all this. I might as well be reading about some stranger in the newspaper.

As I discussed this with my wife, she suggested I had maybe developed a healthy emotional distance for him whereby nothing about him affects my life now. If thatís true I guess thatís good because so many areas of my life have been affected by what he did. If this news confirms that Iíve shut the door or any further hurt coming from him into my life then I guess thatís a good thing?

Not really sure where all this will take me over the next few days and weeks. Maybe outcomes from further tests heís undergoing will poke and prod my emotions more?

At the end of the phone conversation I asked my mother to keep me updated. To be honest, I didnít really want to ask or know more. I asked for her sake, so that she felt support for her, in that her other son (me) was concerned about the situation. I donít think she would have coped too well at the thought that I didnít really care.

Iím not clapping my hands for joy, and Iím not feeling glad this has happened to him. I simply feel nothing.


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#225538 - 05/21/08 09:35 AM Re: Perp brother diagnosed with brain aneurism [Re: Grunty1967b]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Grunty,
I think you wife is correct. While I would be sad to hear that anyone in my family is with a life threatening illness if one had been my perp I would be like you at this stage. I would feel nothing. Like hearing a stranger across town had it. I think you are doing the right thing in supporting your mom in this though. This will be hard for her and she will need you. There again I think you are doing the right thing. I would not give the lack of feeling for your brother a second thought. I also would not share that with you mom at this time as that would just complicate her emotional situation at this time.

Good luck my friend


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#225587 - 05/21/08 05:12 PM Re: Perp brother diagnosed with brain aneurism [Re: Freedom49]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi again Grunty,

From what I gather, what you're REALLY saying is that not only was it tragic that he violated you in the past, this also resulted in the loss of a valued relationship with a sibling later in your adult life.

It was incumbent upon HIM to heal and make good your relationship with him, not you. What makes this really sad though, is that BOTH of you lose out on this deal, not just him.

Sometimes there are no good answers or explanations.


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#225611 - 05/21/08 07:33 PM Re: Perp brother diagnosed with brain aneurism [Re: Hauser]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Bruce,

Man, I can tell you that your emotions with all this would mirror mine if I were in the same shoes as you and it were my brother instead of your brother. So many things you said made me realize that I would have the same reaction. But you know, Bruce, there's no right answer here as far as how you need to feel about him. If you don't feel anything for him, then No, that does not make you a bad person. Definately not. And I think your wife is definately correct in her observation that perhaps you have come to a point to where you realize that he's not someone you need in your life.

I know all this just feels empty and like a whole big pile of nothingness when you think about him. Just take some time to think through it some more, figure out what you want to do (if anything) and then finally, know that you're not required to do anything either.

_________________________
Eddie

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#225851 - 05/22/08 06:35 PM Re: Perp brother diagnosed with brain aneurism [Re: EGL]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Thatís so great Eddie in what you said. Why is it that when we feel things (or donít feel things) that we think we are bad or that something is wrong with us?

Hauser, you also make a pertinent observation about the loss of a connection with my brother. I had mourned this heavily in my older childhood years. I tried to develop that the only way I knew how Ė by offering myself to him. He gladly accepted that but only when it suited him and immediately after each time heís then totally ignore me as if I didnít exist. Pretty amazing accomplishment considering we lived in the same house and shared the same bedroom!

Freedom, yes, itís nice to know the humanity inside of me could see through the pain from HIM and allow myself to see a bigger picture and support my mom. She would never understand what that meant for me to do that but likewise she would also not be able to understand any other lack of reaction or support from me. Maybe some things go with us to the grave.


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#225856 - 05/22/08 06:57 PM Re: Perp brother diagnosed with brain aneurism [Re: Grunty1967b]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I was asking kind of the same question about my feelings when my self proclaimed dictator boss was dying of cancer. She really treated me like shit for a few years and when this happened I just really didn't have a whole lot of feelings about it. I had to ask if there was something wrong with me here at MS. There was no compassion even though we worked closely for almost 5 years. It was a weird experience to go through.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
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