**TRIGGER** male to male Sexual Abuse and Self-Injury

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Hello Everyone,

My name is Paul, and I live in Boston, Massachusetts in the united states. I am 32 years old.

I was sexually molested several times at the age of 14 and 15 years old by another male abuser in an online chatroom. I want to have my say to let the world know what this guy did, and does to little boys.

I wanted to stop meeting with this man so that I would not be abused anymore, but he blackmailed me for meeting him "One last time" by telling me if I did not meet him, he would put posters all over town and spread rumors about me . Meeting him involved getting in his car and driving 30 miles away to his house, or he would molest me in a parking lot while he had his pants down, and covered with a towel in his car.

I was also penetrated orally and anally. It was discovered that a guy named "Mike from Framingham" who my father has talked to on the phone a few times was arrested, and broadcasted on TV walking into the courtroom. This is how my father found out. My parents had no idea how to handle this. and I am dealing with this now after denying anything wrong happened for over 15 years.

After 17 years of silence, I want to start talking about it. I also want it on record that he abused me so that the world knows he is a sexual predator who hurts kids and that I did nothing wrong. I have been tracking this guy online to find his whereabouts, so I know where he is. I am afraid he will send a letter to my house one day. The likelyhood of this is slim, but it is still in the back of my mind.

I called the DA's child abuse hotline, and the statutes were reached 3 years ago, and I cannot prosecute the case criminally. I am so frustrated. I called the victims services unit where my abuser is being held, and I wrote a letter to the criminal history systems board requesting notification. I am now on the victim list as a citizen-initiated-petition, which means I will be notified in the event of a minimum security movement, escape or parole. I got screwed.. this is a bad deal for me. I have serious issues with depression and sleeping, and more than 2 nights a week, I wake up for no apparent reason and can't fall back asleep. Sleeping Medications do not help and frequently kick in at the wrong time when I take them at night, wake up in the middle of the night and then I am a zombie in the
morning.so I stopped taking everything.

When I go to bed each night, I have racing thoughts about the ordeal, and everything else that is going on in my life. My abuser is now finished with his criminal sentance, and is now serving a civil committment as he was deemed to be "Sexually Dangerous" - which is good for me. I have thought about a civil case against him, but I doubt if he has assetts.

I am now married since december to my wife, and I have told her, but it is still hard for me to talk about it, especially face to face. I have been to the rape crisis center for help, but even then its hard to talk about. I completed 7 sessions before I decided I needed a break. I feel angry, and sad at the same time. Sometimes I feel like going to bed and sleeping, since that is another way I cope with the pain, but I can't do that here.

I also self-injure by cutting. I have done this for as long as I can remember, usually in the form of picking scabs, and preventing the wound from healing. I also have a few secret places where I actually cut my skin, and I am able to treat the wound. The pain from the picking, or the cutting gave me a rush, and I usually have kept it hidden. I have started to come out to a few people about my cutting, but I am vague as to why.

I decided to research a little about self-injury, and the causes. I have been doing this for about 15 years, about the same time as I was abused. Then I started thinking about
the abuse more and more. Along with depression, locking myself in my room for weekends at a time, sleeping, mood swings.

Where does it go now? I feel stuck, and trapped.

Paul