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#227146 - 05/27/08 05:56 PM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Hmmmm strange, things with **** continue.

I met her at the rehearsal today and had general conversation, but then I walked out of a rehearsal early because they weren't doing my scenes and so I thought I might as well dash off and get the train back. Sinse everyone else was busy with other bits, i didn't get time to say where I was going, ---- and to tell the truth I did feel a bit down on the way back, ----- I had the lyrics "He is not one of us, he has never been one of us" from the Lion King 2 playing in my head all the way back to my flat.

then, soon after I get in, my phone rings, and it's **** asking if i'm okay sinse I walked out a bit abruptly.

Heck, she's in the middle of her Ma disertation and takes the time to phone me? what have I done?

needless to say, I'm now now feeling much better.

I seriously am considdering telling **** about my abuse, ---- but I'm really not sure whether I should sinse it was falling in love with her that brought everything up again, and so I'd hate her to be hurt in that way, especially after I've just learnt to recognize that she does care about me, ---- as a friend.


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#227199 - 05/27/08 08:41 PM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: dark empathy]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Dark empathy,
Don't ever underestimate the value of "a friend". The more I here you speak of ----, the more I think, she's the one you're in love with.
Is she still involved with someone else? It doesn't matter really, because if you're considering telling her about the csa, maybe you should. You shouldn't worry about hurting her with this, you're the one it's happened to. She will be upset that this has happened to you, someone she cares about, but she will not feel differently about you. You had nothing to do with what happened.
Always,
Liv


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#227211 - 05/27/08 09:35 PM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: Liv2124]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
thanks Live. I think part of me will always be in love with ****, even though falling in love with her has caused me so many problems, ----- though of course it has also made me want to deal with my abuse which I suppose is a good thing.

I know that she's with someone else, ---- in Canida (which is where she's from), I know there's no way we'll end up together, but I can't just switch off my feelings for her, ---- though sinse last tuesday it doesn't feel like quite as much of a bad thing as it did.

the weerd thing is, she says that she understands part of what I'm going through, that in her case up until this year (and she's 29), all the blokes she's been interested in have been with someone else, ---- which is part of the reason she let me literally cry all over her back in november when she in fact told me about this, and why she didn't mind.

My worry is if I tell her that what I've been feeling wasn't just rejected love, that it was in fact from my abuse, she'll be really overwhelmed by it, ----- might even feel guilty or responsable for bringing all this stuff back again, especially as it's had such an effect on my life recently, ---- heck just tonight we got onto the subject of study, and I told the truth that I'd had to cut my Phd back to part time because of illness this year, and once again she asked me what and I didn't tell her, sinse again I don't want her to feel responsable or guilty.

I couldn't stand to see her hurt, ----- especially by me.

a few months ago, part of me, ---- a nasty, resentful part wanted to scream at her "look! look what you've brought up! look what you've done!" but not anymore, ----- in fact I! feel rather bad for ever thinking such a thing.


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