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#225365 - 05/20/08 05:51 PM Hope, **** and a breakthrough
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1898
Loc: durham, north england
Something good happened tonight, something which showed me I'm making recovery progress and I'm actually really happy about it, and it's something that will hopefully help me move on with other people.

I met **** at a rehearsal. While we've chatted in company, we've not really talked alone sinse January, ----- in fact I was slightly worried she was avoiding me after I broke down on her in november.

We ended up walking out of the rehearsal together having a generally random conversation about terry pratchit, hitchhiker's guide etc. At the end she admitted that it was ages sinse she's spoken to me and appologized, ---- she's been busy with her Ma.

I did say at that point I was worried that what happened in november might have put her offf being friends. She denied that really strongly and asked if I was alright.

I didn't feel it would be fair to lie to her at all, so I told her that it had been bad, but I was working on it.

I told her (truthfully), that she was only the third person I'd felt that way about, and that the first two had been several years earlier. I admitted that up until I met her, I'd squashed whatever feelings I had because the person always had a Bf. I appologized profusely, but she said that not only was she flattered, but she understood what I was going through. She even admitted that she'd only met said person that year, and it was just really bad luck that I'd fallen for her then not earlier.

I then admitted that there was a bit more going on, that there were things which I thought were over and done with which she'd raised, ---- and that I was slowly dealing with them. She actually asked me what, and said if I wanted to tell her I could.

At that point I stopped, sinse I wouldn't want to hurt her that way by telling her about my abuse.

I think she sensed something because she hugged me very gently, ---- once more, I really didn't mind, and it was then, that I started to feel some things.

though she couldn't quite return my feelings towards her, I knew at that point, that she cared for me, that she felt something for me.

We said goodbye, made a couple more jokes, and she also asked me to call her if I ever wanted to talk further. I said I didn't want to trouble her with my feelings though i wanted to stay friends, to which she replied "feelings are important too" And not all our conversation had to just be fun. we're meeting up next week for a drink, ---- as friends.

It was as I walked off (rather dramatically into the sunset), that I started feelingsomething I've not felt for years, something good, something which might not quite make up for everything, but which I needed to remember, ------- something I first felt just before I came to uni when the ffirst girl i'd fallen in love with, ---- who much like ****, also already had found someone, gave me my first kiss on the cheek and told me she wouldn't be the last girl to do that, ----- hope!



Edited by dark empathy (05/20/08 05:55 PM)

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#225370 - 05/20/08 06:09 PM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: dark empathy]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Wow Luke that is great. It is a really good feeling is is not? I am very happy for you.


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#225400 - 05/20/08 09:18 PM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: Freedom49]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hope... What a marvelous gift you received. Hold onto it. Cherish it.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#225422 - 05/20/08 10:41 PM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: dark empathy]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Dark empathy,
What a great experience! I am truly happy for you with all my heart! I agree with you that this will credit your future relationships.
Replay this in your mind as often as you need to as a "power thought" towards the future. YOUR "positive" future. What you deserve and will find.

Always,
Liv


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#225542 - 05/21/08 09:57 AM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: Liv2124]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1898
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks so much people. It's the next morning and I'm stil on cloud 9 about this, the feeling is fantastic. I promise I won't make the same mistake with it that I did before after I had the experience with E when i was 18.

the odd thing is, all the resentment I felt towards **** has vanished.


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#225545 - 05/21/08 10:06 AM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: dark empathy]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
(((((((Luke)))))))


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#225546 - 05/21/08 10:08 AM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: dark empathy]
Marissa Offline


Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 67
Dark empathy -

I'm so glad you had a positive experience with ****!

I notice that several times in your posts you have said things to the effect of "I didn't tell such and such about my CSA because I didn't want to hurt her/him".

Sharing your CSA with people does not hurt them. It may make them feel sad, or angry, but it does not hurt us the way it hurt you. At least that has been my experience. On any level is that thought process a defense mechanism? A "reason" not to allow people to know you and be vulnerable to them?

Just a thought.

I'm so glad you are continuing to REVEL in your good feeling today! Remember to draw on it often when things are feeling difficult.

Marissa


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#225572 - 05/21/08 01:59 PM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: Marissa]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
Wow Luke! Absolutely Wonderful! You have indeed taken a huge step, and that is Fantastic! You're post brought tears to my eyes, good happy tears!

Right now the only word I can find and feel inside me to describe what happened is Glory!

Hope! It's a wonderful thing, Definitely hold on to it. It's what keeps me going day by day!


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#225642 - 05/21/08 09:16 PM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: JustScott]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Luke I'm so glad for you. Knowing that what you feel for another is reciprocated definitely makes a person feel all warm and fuzzy. Keep that feeling close - it's true.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#225822 - 05/22/08 04:22 PM Re: Hope, **** and a breakthrough [Re: Trish4850]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1898
Loc: durham, north england
thanks again. it's so strange, I've never been able to understand other's feelings towards me at all, then all of a sudden it happened. I'll admit part of me is stil in love with ****, and probably always will be, but that's so different now to what it was before, and understanding that she felt something for me, that she actually cared about my feelings meant so much.

I know she doesn't feel the same thing for me as I do for her, ---- but now that just doesn't matter.

It's rather spooky that **** should have this effect, when it was her who really stopped me deluding myself into believing I was fine, and made me realize my Sa needed dealing with last november.

I just hope I never forget this.

marissa, I think the problem in telling others about my Sa is partly to do with my own difficulty in talking about it (I've only been able to tell three of my friends and my T), and partly because I know some people, ----- like my parents, really would be bothered by it, ---- especially as they were around at the time and didn't know what was going on at school.

I've always believed if I ever do find someone I'll have to tell them, just to explain why physical things are so difficult for me, but that isn't yet. With ****, there's something else as well.

sinse my falling in love with her was what started my recovery, I've had a very unpleasant impulse to say "look! look what you've dragged up" which would of course be a really unfair, unpleasant, and down right nasty thing to do, afterall, it's not her fault, and using my Sa to hurt her like that would make me feel incredibly guilty.

but on Tuesday, I was tempted to tell her in a gentle more positive way, ----- "Some bad things happened to me which I'm now dealing with" (She's already picked up that I'm incredibly nervous of talk about the S word), in fact I think she's guessed that there's more going on than simply me falling in love with someone who's already got a Bf, ----- she even asked me.

I'm stil not sure whether or not to tell her, I'll probably just see how it feels.


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