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#225736 - 05/22/08 09:34 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: Trucker51]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
My parents belonged to some cult in Hawaii where I was born. A few years ago I started having flashbacks of people in white robes and hoods, murder, sexual abuse and much more. For years I would wake up screaming "They're killing the babies. I've got to save the babies." It is no wonder I became an addict later. I thought I was handling everything okay until this week when I figured out I was still in many ways in denial about what had happened to me sexually. It's hard when my family and extended family won't talk. When they do, it's all "wonderful". I haven't talked to my sister in years because she won't believe me. I made a big mistake by telling her about dad's incest activities in my bedroom. She believes I was abused, but not by him. I know he abused her in many ways she doesn't remember. I can still hear the screams in the bedroom. She doesn't remember, but I do. Then he would come in and beat me. I hated my sister's screaming so I wouldn't make a sound when he would beat me. I just let it happen for years. But this was a "wonderful" man who loved his family. I remember when I was 16 and was very upset inside because he wouldn't crawl in bed with me one night. I was very confused, but I wouldn't say anything about it because I knew I would be beaten. One night he tried to kill me, but I still wouldn't make a sound. Mom would just let it happpen,a quiet shy lush. God, there I go blithering again. So today I feel like crap. When the memories of sexual abuse came back, the feelings and sensations came as well. Today, just let me die.


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#225774 - 05/22/08 12:31 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Originally Posted By: LW1527
So today I feel like crap. When the memories of sexual abuse came back, the feelings and sensations came as well. Today, just let me die.


I can relate to a lot of what your saying LW. You, however, are not a freak. You are experiencing the normal results of a very abnormal situation you grew up in. A situation no child should ever have to go though. The comment about hearing your sister scream is particularly impacting me for some reason I perhaps do not want to investigate. You do not need to die. As bad as it is you can get through this and come out the other side. I know it hurts like hell. It is hell. But you will be ok. You are among friends here at this site. Many who can relate all to well with what you are feeling and going through. They have made it or are dealing with it too and you can support each other back to a healthy place. You are salvagable and worth it too. Stay with us and post what you need.

your friend


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#225804 - 05/22/08 01:56 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: Freedom49]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Thanks. I'm sounding really irrational. I haven't slept in 4 days, maybe about 2 hours a night. The headaches are intense and non-stopping. I've never talked to anyone before about these things. I'm taking some time off from work so I won't be back until Tuesday. Thank you very much for the encouragement. I'll make it. Any other option is not acceptable. It seems that as soon as I decided not to numb myself any more, it started gushing out. Thank you again and thanks to everyone!


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#225852 - 05/22/08 06:36 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
L.W.

See your therapist tomorrow. Take the weekend off. Take some time to process all that has happened this week. Get some sleep. I recommend Excedrin for headaches. Do something nice for yourself this weekend. Take care of yourself. And please, do not hurt yourself or beat yourself up.

You have suffered greatly and it is not your fault. Each of the aspects of your abuse needs to be dealt with. Reachout Trust.org is a site in England that tries to help with cult issues. The Center for Cultic Studies is here in the US. Both sites have links to other sites. There are plenty of other sites too. Your statement about everything being wonderful leads me to believe that there is some kind of devout religious or cult involvement in your family.

You were also physically abused. And having to witness the abuse of others, or even being forced to hear their screams as they were abused, is also abuse. You are what is often referred to as a multiple diagnosis patient.

I can understand why you have used drugs to blunt or mask your feelings. I also know that your best chance for success is off of illegal drugs. Ask your therapist about the possibility of trading your drug habit for a pre>


Edited by Trucker51 (05/24/08 07:57 PM)

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#226809 - 05/26/08 11:53 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: Trucker51]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I took Friday and the weekened off from work. My T worked through the rape with me. I learned when I was a kid never to make a sound when abuse was happening. In the case of rape, I never did anything. My therapist called it "learned helplessness". This is confusing to my wife who tells me that I am not afraid to stand up to anyone which is true. So this was confusing for her. Maybe I learned to jump over this "learned helplessness" in my life and became too agressive. Maybe I need to go back and work through this to feel true power? I don't know. It's worth thinking about. My therapist told me that my body was in the process of shutting down over this rape event. I'm much better now.

As far as the gun thing, this is hard. This is a memory that started coming back in small pieces. I know that I was forced to have sex with a man at gun point. I know that I saw him shoot another man in the chest in his apartment. I feel very sick over this. I can't seem to get the rest of the pieces of this picture. I know it will come when it is ready. I've have "traumaic amnesia" and there are now many pieces of my past that I have reclaimed,I think. The rape and foced sex by gunpoint are new. I look back at the pieces of memories and who I discovered I was and what I did and I am disgusted and repulsed by what I did as a kid, as a teenager. I feel like there is a lot of poison inside. The things I did and the places I've been - it's a wonder I'm not dead. I've seen death before, lots of times, but I don't know why seeing this man killed would send me into shock. Why I can't get over it like I did with others. No I didn't shoot the man nor have I ever killed anyone. I have just seen death, murder, and just very dark things and it all comes back to sex and sexual abuse. Sorry this is dark. That's where I'm at.


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#226856 - 05/26/08 02:07 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
LW:

How was your weekend? Get any sleep? What if anything did your therapist say about your involvement on MS? I hope that he didn't critisize you over it. I can't see any reason why he would have been anything less than cautiously supportive.

It is odd. Through my early abuse up until around age 10 I was still talkative and questioning during my molestation. At age 11 I tried really hard to make myself as small as possible when another kid was abused by a camp counsellor just across the tent from me. I was feeling powerless. I was more talkative when my next-door neighbor cheated at strip poker to molest me and after that I was quite silent through all of the other abuse. When I was raped at 18 I was totally silent during my victimization and torture. Maybe silently taking the abuse is more of a teenage or young adult thing. Or maybe it is more of an experienced victim routine.

I too reacted to the helplessness of my repeated victimization by adopting a tough outward personality. By 11th grade I was running with a neighborhood gang. I used to wear several layers under my leather to make myself look bigger. I would wear a short-sleeve T-shirt plus a long-sleeve sweatshirt plus my blue jean jacket all under my leather. I easily looked like I weighed 25 lbs more. It made my arms and shoulders look a lot bigger. I did it to try to make any other potential abuser look elsewhere. It was all about me trying to intimidate others away from me.

How you reacted as a teenager is quite normal. Teens don't react the same way that adults do. Teens have to trust adults and your trust was taken advantage of many, many times, as mine was. I look back at where I was and the progress that I made and its hard to figure why I had to suffer for as long as I did. I just wasn't ready to take the chance. I was too scared to give up the only coping strategy that had worked for me. I tried to do everything alone up until my first marriage. I had the support of my first wife, at least initially. Then it all fell apart and I was right back where I started from.

Try to look-up a post that I made to Arronb on the open forum last night. It is more of a mid-level survivor topic but I think that maybe you could benefit some from what I said to him. It was a post about trying to merge my professional outgoing personality with my much more closely guarded personal personality.

Then you get to see someone shot while you're tied-up, naked, vulnerable, and helpless. You realize what your life is worth to your abuser. You do whatever he says to try to live a little longer. Maybe you disassociate or leave your abused body and watch your abuse taking place from the standpoint of the 3rd person. Then you repress your memories while at the same time you adopt an aggressive personality to try to protect yourself. You go off of the deep end with alcohol and drugs to try to suppress your memories. And in my own case it led to marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons. She married the person that I appeared to be outwardly even though my outward appearance was a coping strategy totally designed to push others away.

I'm happy that your still married. Has your wife ever attended survivor-issue counseling with you?

My wife and I argued last night about my involvement on this site. I felt that my volunteering and sharing was important to me and possibly beneficial to others and she felt like I was wasting time that could be more productively spent. Even the closeness of marriage is no guarantee that your wife will be supportive and understanding on every issue. Maybe she should talk with your therapist so that she can better understand the pace of your progress. If you stay with it for a solid three or four years you should be a lot better off. Maybe in a year or two a recovery weekend would be beneficial to you. You are going to have to be able to trust others enough to open-up and be frank with them in an intensive setting though.

Be careful with repressed memories. What you are remembering is how you reacted at the time. My little sister repressed a large portion of her childhood. At one point in therapy she remembered that our father had abused her. It was the last straw in my parent's marriage. And several years later she retracted her accusation and couldn't say for certain who had been her abuser at that age. Now she is in her early 40s and has a Masters degree in counseling, and is leading abused woman's therapy groups. She is a totally different person than she was back in her 20s and early 30s, when she was suppressing her pain with the wrong crowd. She too is engaged to marry again. Her fiance is someone who is more in line with her current self.

I hope that you might find some of this helpful. Hold your head up and please don't abuse yourself. You have nothing to abuse yourself over. You did what you had to do to survive. And now you are among people who are willing to support you. We have all been there and only want what is best for you. I'm certainly not out to abuse you. I just wanted to try to help point you in the right direction or give you some hope. I was hoping to help keep you in your program. It looked to me at first like you were trying to justify running away. I ran away lots of times and thats the main reason that it took me so long to get to where I'm at now.

I will be leaving town this evening and won't be back until Thursday evening. I'll try to get back to you tonight if you respond to me today. Everyone on this site is hopeful for your continued progress. None of us want to hurt you.

Let me know. Hope that all is well. You can call me by my own name if you are comfortable doing so. My name is Mark.

Take care my man,

Mark


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#227102 - 05/27/08 03:03 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: Trucker51]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
My therapist is okay about MS support. He told me I was doing transferance, putting my dad's reactions onto him which is normal. My therapist told me I am in a dangerous place right now and that I am experiencing the shock from being raped and then the murder. We talked about the murder today. I only had some pieces. I told him without any emotion what had happened and how he had chased me with the gun into the streets at night. I've been telling my therapist for weeks now about the dead man in the apartment lying on the bed covered with blood. Another man had shot him in the chest at close range then he beat me and beat me. I fought back. I ran. I escaped somehow. I feel like my insides have gallons of poison. I know now I was wrong for going into those places downtown late at night. I wasn't scared and I didn't care what happened to me. There was this man I met. He was maybe in his twenties. He had an apartment in the dark part of town. I didn't know what would happen, but the excitment was awesome. I liked dark places. I didn't know what he was going to do. He was nice, too nice. Then it happened not once, but several times, over and over again. I would just go back and he would do it over and over again. I hated it, but I wanted more. Sounds sick, like I didn't have any control. I should have stopped, but I couldn't until someone shot him. I have dreams about the murder. My therapist wondered how I got out without being caught. I told him that I was a fast runner. I don't remember. I just know I did and I hid in the dark stairs that led to some other building's celler. I stopped my breathing. They can hear you breathining, you know? I learned to stop breathing and act like I was dead especially at night when dad or someone would come into my room. Can't show emotion or it is worse. Understand? Yes, can't show emotion at all. That's why I didn't care what happened to me down town. I didn't even care if I was killed, but my therapist disagrees with my opinion on that. I don't feel well. My therapist told me it would take some time to get through the shock. I'm trying to see him again later this week maybe. I talk about it, but I have no feelings, just sick inside, just spacy like I'm not really here. He told me that was normal. I guess it is.


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#227622 - 05/29/08 04:13 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
This is a long thread with too much triggers for me to read it through, but I just want to say I relate. I was raped at gunpoint four years ago and it's very hard now to watch TV or see a movie because there are so many scenes with guns pointed at the camera that freak me out. I never realized how many scenes like that there are in movies till that happened to me. I was already petrified of guns when it happened because I had already been shot three years prior when I had attempted "suicide by cop".

I may have already read too much of this thread and got too triggered to be any help here at least right now, but I'll try to come back and talk more later, but it definitely looks like you aren't alone here in what you are going through.

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