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#225537 - 05/21/08 09:35 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: GateKPR4]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
GateKPR4:

Thanks for your supportive response. I started individual therapy in 1986, and finished early in 2000. I don't go to AA meetings as I had to escape from a cult religion where much of my abuse originated. My belief in a God or a higher power has been severely traumautized by my experience.

I wasn't brought up to be a normal person. Only after extensive therapy have I recovered some sense of normalacy. I still have certain minor issues, but have moved away from allowing my abusive past to control my every move, and I have become hopeful for my future. My numbing drug addiction and its ruination is only a memory 3,000 days later. Why count the days?

I read a couple of your other posts and hope that you too are well along on your personal road to recovery.

Detroit57/Trucker51

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#225563 - 05/21/08 12:32 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: GateKPR4]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I feel evey touch, feel every penetrating pain. I try not to think about it, but it just comes. I don't know how to slow this down. If I don't numb the feelings, then it all comes rushing out. I feel the terror in my stomach. When I eat, I want to throw up. I hate people, but I really hate men. I hope that doesn't offend anyone here. But it's always been men, since two of them molested me at day care, then incest, then gang rape in an alley when I was 12 and then 16 rape in the restroom at the beach. God, the beach was so awful. It happened so fast I didn't know what was happening. I just thought I was going to be beaten again. God, it just happened. It was later that I was held at gun point and forced into sex with some man I don't remember seeing. I'm blithering. I'm sorry.


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#225566 - 05/21/08 12:53 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Trucker,
I am well on my way in recovery, I left AA after 4 1/2 years because I was involved with a small cult and there were too many similarities for me to make any more progress. So I had to leave it behind.

LW,
I once sounded much like your last response, I too hated people and mostly men because most of my most traumatic abuse was at the hands of men. Even today I have very few men I talk with because I don't trust most of them. I no longer hate people but I am careful who I choose to be around or trust. Most of my doctors are female that I can trust and most of the people that give me support outside of MS are female. It's sad that you are going through this and I hope you will seek professional help and get on a medication that will help you out for a while. I take medication's every day because of Bi-Polar type 2 disorder and there is no shame in that. It took me 3 years to accept the fact that I am indeed Bi-Polar but the proof is right in front of me. I don't like medication but I know my life can be hell on earth without it.
Please don't be sorry, blither away and get it out. We all do this at some point here, and I still have a tendency to blither away \:\) but its OK today

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#225570 - 05/21/08 01:24 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: GateKPR4]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Go ahead LW blither, rant, vent, cry, or whatever you want we are here to help you though this and you will get through this. Your reactions are normal for what you have been trough. We will respect that and help you. stay strong



Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/08 01:24 PM)

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#225579 - 05/21/08 03:14 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: Freedom49]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Thanks everyone for your responses. They've helped me very much. I'm feeling a little embarrassed, but I'll work on getting over that. Thanks again for listening and much appreciation for caring - really caring. I hope I can do the same someday soon. I told my T that I was posting at MS. I sat there thinking that he would begin beating me. Stupid isn't it? My T is the head of the Traums Clinic and a good man, although I always tell him not to come too close. So, when I told him, he didn't beat me. Crazy! Thanks for understanding and being there.


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#225585 - 05/21/08 04:36 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
L.W:

What you are going through is a completely normal part of the recovery process. I remember my early therapy. Once in a while we would touch on a sensitive subject then it was off on another bender I would go. I remember the struggle to try to trust my first therapist enough to spill some more of my guts out. It was a really painful struggle that went on for much of my first year and a half of individual therapy. My first therapist at Cleveland State was a very caring and tolerant individual who took great pains to ease me through my recovery process slowly and safely. And still there were those tough days.

You were victimized and none of it is your fault. You were a kid and its never a kid's fault. You were abused by some guys who were either gay and/or who got off on forcing a younger powerless victim to suffer. Going to the bathroom is flipping normal, as is walking through an alley. Most likely you were the victim of random perverse opportunity. It wasn't your fault as you had a legitimate reason to do what you did. And it wasn't your fault because you were just a teenage kid. Sometimes kids and teens are a bit on the trusting side, but that is also a normal part of growing up human. Kids and teens must rely on and trust adults for their care, safety, and wellbeing. What happened to you (and me) was a blatant violation of that trust.

My abusers were all men or boys also. Yet I also had a separate abuse component that was inflicted on me by my own mother. After the incident with my sister in the Summer of 1972, I had huge problems with women and normal intimacy, and had many close male friends who I constantly prayed wouldn't find out that I was different. I kept my problems deeply buried and "numbed" myself almost daily for 14 years following my abuse that afternoon in 1972 with the ex-Marine babysitter. Following my ending therapy (prematurely) in 1987 and my divorce in 1990, it was another seven years of numbing and loosing everything that I owned twice, before I gave it another chance.

Please quit saying that you're sorry unless you've got something to be sorry about. I used to do it too. I was sorry so much of the time for no good reason. Was I trying to deflect prying eyes? What happened to you wasn't your fault and it is perfectly normal to try to let out your long-suppressed pain in therapy. I feel great sympathy for what you are going through, because I was once right where you are at now. Giving up the only control that you've ever known is very hard at first. It made me just want to run away.

Another issue for some survivors is maintaining eye contact. Some people can tell that you are frightened or are insincere if you don't make eye contact. I learned early to focus on something well behind the person and keep my focus at a distant range when I looked back at them. I could stare anyone down and I wouldn't hardly be able to see them. Thankfully as a result of my therapy, that problem is gone too.

You might look into pre>

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#225596 - 05/21/08 05:49 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: Trucker51]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
TRUCKER - No, you are not bothering me at all. I'm not asking anyone to hold my hand, but I do need some blunt talk which is what you gave me. I appreciate it and I am not sorry for it either. There isn't any thing anyone could say that would be more painful than what I am going through now. I'm okay with blunt and in-your-face talk. Talk later.


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#225597 - 05/21/08 06:02 PM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
TRUCKER - My therapist called and wants me to come in Friday. He likes me to email him and when he got some of my emails he called me and told me to come in because they sounded what he called "rough". Maybe he can slow it down a little. I feel like a runaway train and everything is hitting fast. I don't have access to email at night, only through work during the day. I'll talk again and thanks for the advice.


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#225709 - 05/22/08 07:22 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: LW1527]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
L.W.

Thanks for accepting my advice. It was most likely with some difficulty that you asked for help the other day. In a number of treatment programs mentoring is used to help ease tough transitions for members in early recovery. It was not easy to share what you did, yet it was great progress. Someday you will be able to easily share without fear or anger. It is a normal part of the recovery process getting to that point.

When I left my first therapist in 1987, it was because he had expected that I would be able to attend an in-person survivors support group totally cold. That would have been a really good time to introduce me to a mentor. Someone who I might have been able to trust who could have made sure that I made it there. Someone to introduce me to the group. Maybe someone that I could confide in or lean on at least temporarily.

I am not trying to lead you by the hand. I just tried to get you to open up and begin to trust a little bit. I know how difficult that can be in early recovery. Those of us who participated in this discussion over the last couple of days were only trying to help you over a little bump in your recovery road. I'll admit that it probably seems like a significant obstacle to you. I am happy for you that you have made a little bit of progress these last few days, and I'm hopeful for your recovery.

Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.

Take care my man. Try me later this afternoon.

Trucker51

(Hi, my name is Mark, and I was an addict a long time ago).

Why would your therapist beat you for sharing on this site? Why would any normal person want to hurt you?


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#225715 - 05/22/08 08:07 AM Re: Rape and Guns [Re: GateKPR4]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
GateKPR4:

You and I share the abusive cult religion component. My upbringing was in the Christian Science Church. My mother is still a very devout Church leader, though everyone else in my family has either left the Church or died prematurely of easily treatable illnesses. It is hard to believe that 35 or 40 years ago, in a small congregation of 125 to 150 members, that there would be five members who liked to molest boys, and several other members who liked to molest girls. Something is not right there. 7% to 8% of the entire congregation were child molestors?

I too could not seem to make much progress in AA. I had some problem with step one, and never made it beyond step two. The whole higher power and God component really threw me. My last few days of my 2nd 28 days at Hazelden a speaker in the auditorium gave an atheist alternative 12 step program. It was too bad that I didn't hear him a lot sooner.

Have you ever looked into support groups for the survivors of cult religions? Christian Way is an ex-Christian Science site. Try Rick Reed, Reachout Trust, or the Center for Cultic Studies, all of which deal with cult survivor's issues. All of these sites offer links to other sites too.

Thanks for your help mentoring with this situation with L.W. He has made some definate progress these last few days.

Try me later this afternoon.

Trucker51

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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