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#225325 - 05/20/08 01:08 PM Locked Out
KR Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/25/07
Posts: 7
I am beside myself with grief and anger. My friend, he was abused by his mother at an early age and there was also emotional abuse that took the place of the sexual abuse once he reached puberty. He is a good man and I try to understand the source of his anger but it's not easy. Every once in a while I will tell him about this site or mention something about getting therapy, he never says anything, he closes up and changes the subject and for months things between us go on normally and he seems to be fine. But this last month he has gotten worst, his paranoia is all over the place, he thinks everyone wants to kill him, he is even accusing me of plotting to kill him. I tell him over and over I mean him no harm, I am not trying to kill him. I love him so much but none of that matters because he is in such pain from his past and refusing to get help. More and more he is drifting into this other world, it's so scary, he says people are after him and no matter what I say he will not listen to me.
I don't really know what I am doing on this site, I am confused and hurt and worried about him to the point of loosing sleep and not functioning very weel. I can't think of anything but him and how is doing. He will not talk to me anymore, he says I am better off without him, then he says I want to kill him. I will leave him alone and give him his space but it hurts to not have him in my life anymore. He does not believe me when I tell him I love him, he says that it's a plot to kill him. He says I pretend to be sweet and loving so I can make him feel safe and then I will kill him. I know this has to do with his mother and what she did to him but it still hurts to think he thinks I will kill him.

Has anyone else out there gone through this? I feel alone and very sad.


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#225327 - 05/20/08 01:33 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: KR]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I visited my ex a while ago and we had a great talk and I was just enjoying her company and 3 of her male friends just showed up at the door. I "wrongly" thought it was some kind of set up, I was supposed to spend the night on her couch but these silly thought's would just not go away and I ended up driving home at 4am just so I could get some sleep.

I guess what I'm saying is that these thought's are there, as wrong as they may be they do play a part in our reality.

Time has extinguished these paranoid thought's for me, the more I don't get "set up" the more the thought's fade.

Sound's like he's much more "gone" with these thought's than I ever was. Professional help is the answer but not sure how you can help him get that.

Not alone at all KR
Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#225328 - 05/20/08 01:48 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: mogigo]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
KR,
Do you know if you friend is using drugs. Certain drugs will feed paranoia. I had a friend who got into some street drug one time and was insistant that there were people hiding in the parked cars out side on the street waiting to break into our house among other things. Totally irrational but it was all the drug. I know survivors who isolate themselves and constantly remaine in their own fantasy world can end up paranoid delusional and even begin halucinating. I don't know what to tell you at this point except that if you think he may become a danger to himself or others you may have to call the police and intervene.


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#225331 - 05/20/08 02:27 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: Freedom49]
KR Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/25/07
Posts: 7
I think there might be drugs, he is in Amsterdam right now working on an audio engineering degree and there are drugs all over the place. But when he was here and not around the drugs, he spoke of people waiting to kill him. I don't know. He isn't talking to me anymore.


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#225332 - 05/20/08 02:29 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: mogigo]
KR Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/25/07
Posts: 7
Thanks so much, it's hard not to cry thinking about all of this stuff. I can't make him do anything he does not want to do. I have spent the last two days crying like a baby.


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#225352 - 05/20/08 04:56 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: KR]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
KR, I feel for you. Just reading your post makes me want to cry, so experiencing it first hand would certainly make me cry!!! And there is nothing wrong with getting those emotions out through tears.

I want to make sure that you are taking care of yourself too. Even more than men who were abused, we partners of survivors are the most under-treated, under-cared about population out there. It sounds like you are experiencing second-degree trauma, made worse by the fact that your friend isn't talking to you right now, so you feel shut out of his life.

I want you to know that there are resources and there are people you can talk to (on this site and elsewhere). Have you thought about calling a sexual abuse/rape crisis hotline?

Taking care of your needs does not mean that you are ignoring him. But you certainly can't help him, if you can't help yourslef first. Perhaps you have a friend or relative that you can trust, to share what you are struggling with? Also, perhaps now is a good time to find something that you love doing, something that brings you happiness, and do it - allow it to distract you for a little bit. Some things that come to mind, for me, are writing in my journal, taking a bubble bath, going shopping (not always the most productive on my wallet, but buying something that makes me feel good about myself often helps), watching movies, talking with friends, etc.


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#225363 - 05/20/08 05:38 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: rchsweetie]
KR Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/25/07
Posts: 7
It's funny you mentioned shopping because I just took a short shopping trip! I work in a professional live theatre, nothing but actors and all that theatrical stuff (mostly comedy) so being at work helps me laugh, a little and most people here are cool when it comes to expressing emotions so I work at a cool place. I am a writer, so I will busy myself finishing a play I have to placed on the back burning.

I want to thank all the people out there on this site for being so supportive, I felt strange logging into the site because I felt like I had no right to sorrow, but now...geez...I need people to reassure me I am not going mad. My friend has been so much a part of my life, we have had so many nice times and just last week things were cheerful and we were looking forward to seeing some concerts at the Gorge and just enjoying the city for the Summer. I don't know if he will ever speak to me again, I wish he would. I think I love him more than any man that is not legally obligated to love me back so it's hard not having him to speak to and even harder knowing I won't be seeing him anytime soon. He said he hates me and does not trust me, I know it's the illness speaking but that does not negate my feelings of pain. I can't understand why he does not see how beautiful he is, he really is quite beautiful and sweet and tender, he speaks three languages and plays guitar and is just a sweet man. I find myself wishing terrible things would happen to his mama.

I was in Rome with him and I met his mama and I had to fight myself from calling her out. I am an African American woman and the daughter of a Marine Sargent so I am use to confrontations. But I didn't say a word out of anger, I was polite and respectful but inside I wanted to kick her in the neck!

I noticed how my friend changed around her, so quiet and scared. He became another person and I did not like it one bit. When he is in America things are so much better, he smiles and laughs and shares his life and he is more open about things.

I want him back in my life but only if he wants to be back and if he goes into therapy. He thinks all therapy means is being placed on medication and he is afraid it will alter his personality. I told him he can do "talk therapy" maybe that could be a step he could take. When I offered up an alternative to medication, he went silent and then yesterday told me to
F**k therapy and F**k The world and leave him alone. So, I am leaving him alone until he wants to speak again.

I brought a new pair of shoes.


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#225366 - 05/20/08 05:55 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: KR]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I agree with rchsweetie about taking care of yourself, its very important you don't loose yourself in his abuse. You can't make him do anything so its not going to be easy. I loved many a woman that had been abused and I lost myself a couple times and once almost lost my life because I got too wrapped up in her issue, this was my last relationship and it ended. It was only after she moved out that she finally got help for herself. Even though I did everything I could it was not enough and it was hard when she left but in the long run I am better off and she learned to deal with life again. I wish you well and hope you find some peace.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m__m__
|| || || || || || |

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#225369 - 05/20/08 06:06 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: GateKPR4]
KR Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/25/07
Posts: 7
Yes, this time I am taking care of myself. We broke up two years ago and I went a little nutty, ended up in the hospital (long story) but I got some therapy and I took care of myself. I can't make him do anything, it's up to him and I told him that. I can't let him bring me down. I love him dearly madly and deeply but I love myself more. I am always here for him but he can't come here and be with me unless he gets into therapy. I just hope he will take that step


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#225401 - 05/20/08 09:25 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: KR]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
KR,

It would seem to me, blunt as this is, that it's time to let him go. You can do nothing for him that he won't do for himself, and continuing trying will only harm you and accomplish nothing for him. Like the others have said, it's time to "take care of yourself".

Love is a funny animal. Doesn't always act or react rationally but it sounds like you're working through the pitfalls it presents.

Originally Posted By: KR
I am always here for him but he can't come here and be with me unless he gets into therapy. I just hope he will take that step


That's a pretty good plan. I wish you the best.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
Lifes journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting Holy ____! What a ride! ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#226192 - 05/23/08 10:15 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: KR]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
KR,
There are alot of things going on here, but in reading your post, I have to tell you that you have to step back and ground YOURSELF. If you are losing sleep and not functioning very well you will be of little help to anyone, including him.
I can't say that I've ever had to deal with the degree of paranoia that you describe your boyfriend as experiencing. I would be surprised if there weren't drugs involved, and I wish I had some type of advice to give you with regards to this, but I don't know how close he will allow you to get to him if he thinks you want to kill him. I'm much more familiar with what mogigo mentioned, situations that have triggered my SO to be "set ups" when they actually were harmless situations, or situations that made him uncomfortable for whatever reason. In those types of situations, we've done just what mogigo had done, excused ourselves from the situation entirely. In life we all have to pick our battles, if something made me so uncomfortable to the point where I couldn't relax, I'd get the hell out of there too.
You can give him space and move forward with your life. He knows where you are if he needs you. You can text him, email him, leave a voice message just as a reminder that you are thinking about him and that you care about him, but you can't lose yourself in all of this.
I can imagine how much it must hurt to think that he feels you might kill him, but you have to realize and keep in mind that these are not rational thoughts he is having. You have to know that it's nothing you have done to make him feel this way.
You said he won't listen to you, so when you talk to him again, try listening to him. Try to find out "where" he is exactly. If it were me, I'd refrain from telling him what this is doing to you because if he's as paranoid as you say, this won't penetrate. I think you'll feel better if you listen to him and maybe gently raise some questions to him about any alcohol or drugs he may be using, or why he feels the way he does right now.
I don't know if I've been any help to you, but I really feel for you right now.
Always,
Liv


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#226286 - 05/24/08 07:51 AM Re: Locked Out [Re: KR]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: KR
I went a little nutty, ended up in the hospital (long story)


This is the same thing that happened to me in my last relationship.
I think after that incident I'll stay single for a few years or a decade, until I learn more on healthy relationships.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m__m__
|| || || || || || |

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#227114 - 05/27/08 03:32 PM Re: Locked Out [Re: KR]
KR Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/25/07
Posts: 7
Well my friend called me up so apologize about accusing me of plotting his death. He confessed he use to get full of rage when he was 10 years old and that he is feeling those same feelings again. He has been having nightmares about being killed in his sleep and things just went from bad to worst. He is now talking about seeing a therapist. I told him that a therapist is exactly what he needs, I can listen to him but I am not educated and qualified to give him advice. But it sounds like he scared himself, he has never gone off the deep in with me before.

I am happy he is finally talking about seeing a therapist.


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