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#224751 - 05/17/08 08:59 PM Puberty
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
***WARNING - POSSIBLE TRIGGERS***
My sexual abuse occurred when I was 10-13. My abuser, a boy who lived across the street, was 2-3 years older than me. We had just moved into the neighborhood. He befriended me right away. I thought it was cool that an older guy wanted to spend time with me. He began by coercing me into looking at pornography with him. I was kind of interested but I felt ashamed for doing it. Then he pressured me to masturbate with him and finally into masturbating him. Although I was no stranger to masturbation I didn't want to do it with him and hated doing it to him and hated him touching me. The first time he saw my penis he laughed at me and said it's a microscopic morsel! He also poked fun at the fact that I hardly even had peach fuzz. This ribbing was devastating to me. I soon became ashamed of my body. Not long after the abuse had stopped my body started going through puberty. Instead of welcoming it, I became even more ashamed of my body. I hated the changes my body was going through. I was embarrassed when I started developing facial hair. I began puberty before a couple of my friends and they also made fun of me for growing pubic hair. Although I'm sure their ribbing was probably out of envy, it still furthered my devastation and shame over my body. My dad was no help either. I had a good relationship with my dad when I was younger but as I got older we grew distant from each other. He didn't talk to me about what to expect. I got nothing from him and I wasn't about to ask either.
***END - POSSIBLE TRIGGERS***

Question for those who were abused prior to puberty, how was it for you going through puberty? Was it something you looked forward to, indifferent about or ashamed of? How do you think the CSA affect your experience of puberty?

Bark


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#224758 - 05/17/08 09:23 PM Re: Puberty [Re: Barkabus]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Bark,
Frankly no one talked to me about it at all. This was before real sex ed at school. I was into MB like you early but probably for different reasons. When puberty began I was startled and frightened and thought I had done something to myself. I started early too but I decided to hang around an older boy and eventually the subject of MB came up and I was relieved to find out a few more facts. He decided to give me a few more "lessons" as I was asking questions. Some how it seemed familiar and repulsive at the same time. This lasted only twice and I avoided him after that. I was maybe 10.

I was ok with the hair thing. Thought it was cool except that my mom asked me one day if I was doing anything to make hair grow on my face so soon. I was totally humiliated and embarassed and said "What could I possibly do to make that happen??"

That was the last of parental education and nothing further was said. The rest I learned from books and on the street. It was a time full of strange emotions, fears, worrys, and thrills. I assume you understand the thrills part.





Edited by Freedom49 (05/17/08 09:27 PM)

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#224760 - 05/17/08 09:34 PM Re: Puberty [Re: Freedom49]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Originally Posted By: Freedom49
Bark,
Thought it was cool except that my mom asked me one day if I was doing anything to make hair grow on my face so soon.


Wow, what a peculiar question for your mom to ask. Was she jesting? I bet that was embarrassing for you. If my mom had asked me that I'm sure my face would have gone beat red. What could I have said? Why yes mom, I think its because I've been pounding the hell out of my pecker for as long as I can remember. Maybe that's the reason I'm growing facial hair so soon. Perhaps that's the reason I've got these hairy palms too.

Sorry Roger, I'm not trying to disrespect your mom. I'm just thinking about what I would have thought at that age if mom asked me that.

Thanks for the reply,
Bark

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#224761 - 05/17/08 09:39 PM Re: Puberty [Re: Barkabus]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Bark I was about 13 when she asked me that and I had been shaving every other day for a few months. I had just ask her if dad had any shaving creme. I did turn beet red. I was embarassed and angry and humiliated all at the same time and never asked her for anything like that ever again.

Sigh...


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#224762 - 05/17/08 09:44 PM Re: Puberty [Re: Freedom49]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
I recall needing an athletic supporter for school. It was extremely embarrassing for me to ask my mom if we could go buy one. I suppose I could have more easily have asked my dad but I don't think I even thought to. I think that shows just how distant I was from my dad back then. Anyways, when I finally worked up the courage to ask mom, it was embarrassing but it ended up not being such a big deal. We just went to the sporting goods store and bought one.

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#224793 - 05/18/08 01:30 AM Re: Puberty [Re: Barkabus]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi Bark.

My (2ond) perp was an older "friend" as well. His name was Dave Brown. Dave was about 3 years older than me exactly.

He moved into my neighborhood during the winter between my 2ond and 3rd grade. I still remember the very first time I met him. He was playing with his dog in a vacant lot behind my parent's house.

Anyway..................

What I was getting at was that I have my suspicions about your friendship with him. May I venture to say that you didn't have any other friends in your neighborhood Bark? For whatever reasons, your older "friend" was the only one that was readily available to you? In my case, I was geographically isolated, my parents chose a poor spot to raise kids, because there weren't any OTHER kids around my neighborhood, it was mostly all retired folks.

How did it start with MY "older friend"? Well, it started with him showing me porn, playboys, penthouses, etc. Eventually he started masturbating in front of me (real nice huh?) Yeah, he would make comments about how "small" I was or whatever. But that never really bothered me.

What REALLY fucked me up was that he forced himself on me a couple times, the first of which, when he was trying to penetrate me, for the first time in my young life, I became sexually aroused. And yes, this set me up for some crazy "experimentation" later in my life, I'll leave those details out, since it's a barrier of shame that is miles thick.

So, I just wanted to bring this up with you to say that I think we may find that we have much in common. Why we were hanging out with someone older and on a different maturity level. Why we never said anything even though we didn't like it, etc.

Your story reminds me of mine, the older boy next door.


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#225120 - 05/19/08 03:41 PM Re: Puberty [Re: Hauser]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bark,

I was abused beginning age 10 and knew nothing about sex or puberty. I didn't even know that what the abuser was doing had some connection with sex.

Puberty was rough for me. As I developed pubic hair and hair under my arms the abuser loved it and made a big thing of it; that made me ashamed of my body and of the changes I was going through. Friends talked about "jerking off" and who could ejaculate and who still couldn't, but I was totally humiliated by such talk - since I had been masturbating with the abuser for two years and doing other things as well. My first ejaculation was with the abuser, and that was very shaming too - I even wondered is all this was happening to my body because of him, and the abuser added to my plight by telling me that this showed that I "liked it".

So yes, a rough time for me too. I think you will find that in all these things you are absolutely not alone.

Much love,
Larry

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Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
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#225137 - 05/19/08 04:59 PM Re: Puberty [Re: Barkabus]
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
By the time I was 10, I knew more about sex than most 30-year olds, I think. Instead of learning the abc's, I learned how to pleasure a guy or how my body could be used to pleasure him. For a long time, I just felt like that was my life and that's what I was made for and that's the reason I was on this earth, and still part of me thinks that. It's totally fucked up, I know.

I don't really remember too much about puberty and since I'm still 17, I'm probably still in puberty somewhat. The only thing I can remember about puberty though is that when I started to develop, my uncle took less interest in me and it caused me to feel totally rejected and worthless. It was like one day I got all the attention (abuse) and the next day I was ignored.

For me it's still really hard to understand. I mean, I really can't comprehend most of my feelings about what happened and about what goes on today. Most of my memories are dark and scary and I'd just rather not think about them at all. Ummm.. I dunno if any of this helped you and it probably didn't but I hope you feel better. I don't reply to many posts so I'm sorry that I'm not that good at it because I really don't know what to say.

Peace out,

Joey


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#225222 - 05/19/08 10:09 PM Re: Puberty [Re: JasonSmalls]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Barkabus,

I first wanted to say that your story struck some very deep notes within me. In fact, what you described of your story is remarkably similar to mine with the exception of specific ages and those types of details. In terms of 'what happened' -- the befriending, spending time with, how it started, the deeply personal mockery or "ribbing" as you said it, all of that

I was abused for about nine years starting at age six. So I guess one could say I was abused prior to puberty in addition to during & even after.

Your post really highlights the other types of abuse that occur during childhood sexual abuse. Mental and emotional warfare that can sometimes be very subliminal but also is often very pronounced such as "microscopic morsel". For me, it was comments like "I've seen babies with bigger ____ than you!".

I have taken all sorts of different verbal abuse throughout my life. I've heard every 'weight' joke in the book. I was bullied a lot throughout school, but I can tell you, Barkabus, all those bullies, words, and insults... they were all pale in comparison and simply didn't hurt as much as the things my abuser would say to me. There is something so hideously damaging when these types of things are said to you while you're standing with your pants down totally confused and vulnerable to the world around you.

I personally became extremely ashamed about anything to do with my body. By the time my dad tried to give me the 'birds and the bees' talk, I just worked my way out of the talk by saying 'they teach us all that in school dad'. So like you, I never really had direction from my dad with respect to sexual/sexuality development. It's tough to think back to now, and I still hold myself responsible for this because of how much I pushed my dad away when he tried "the talk".

Puberty as a whole was terrible. It wasn't something I looked forward to, I was horribly ashamed of myself and my body by that time. For the reasons I mentioned above, I believe the CSA had a massive impact on my development in those years.

One thing that might be helpful for you in this is reading up on "normal childhood sexual development". This is something my therapist helped me understand. She handed me a workbook in her office in one of my early sessions. On the page it was opened to, there were several age groups mentioned, and the 'normal' types of things a child might do. The reason this helped so much is I could see where I began disconnecting from so-called "normalcy" and by the time I got to puberty years I was so far gone from normal sexual development that it really upset me. Guess that's what happens when you know you experienced things from the 16-18 category when you're 6.

Anyways, this is turning into a bit of rant, but back to point Barkabus, I think these are important things to examine and important things to work through. I don't know much about you or where you are in your recovery but I can assure you that you're not alone with these feelings of yours.

You are in the right spot to open up about these things and I hope you'll continue to do so. If you have any specific questions or anything please shoot me a PM.

Be well,
~Brian

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#225229 - 05/19/08 10:35 PM Re: Puberty [Re: JasonSmalls]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Hey Joey,

Thanks for sharing. I hate how our perps stole away our innocence and any chance at having a normal childhood. Funny thing is, I don't really have any hate for my abusers. I'm not sure why that is. I actually pray for them. It is really cool to see that you are here and getting help and support. So many of us have spent way too many years living a silent hell, not even being aware or refusing to accept that there are some dark issues in our lives that must be dealt with. Anyways, I hope you are able to process all the crap that you've been through and get through it.

Bark

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#225232 - 05/19/08 10:58 PM Re: Puberty [Re: frost]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Brian,

Thanks for the post. I am sorry about your CSA and that it lasted NINE long years. You are right about the mental and emotional warfare that occurs from CSA especially when there is cruel mockery involved when we are in an uncomfortable and exposed situation. I think for me the mental/emotional damage from being made fun of was actually far worse than the physical stuff.

I am only just beginning the process of recovery. I have lived for over three decades in hiding, denying the abuse or at least the significance of it. I have so much to process. I've got a good start though and I'm sharing my dirty little secret with people I know and trust. The support I have received so far has been amazing.

I hope to share more here as I progress.

Bark

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#225279 - 05/20/08 07:53 AM Re: Puberty [Re: Barkabus]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2020
Loc: durham, north england
I've read this topic, thanks everyone for sharing.

I'll try and reply if I can, ----- but I stil can't talk about these things, ----- sorry.

At the same time though, perhaps I should just push through and force myself? At least that would be a step forward?



Edited by dark empathy (05/20/08 08:04 AM)

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#225282 - 05/20/08 08:06 AM Re: Puberty [Re: dark empathy]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
My abuse stopped before puberty for me (10), but he was always "teaching" me about stuff about women's bodies, illustrations included. It felt like a sex ed class when he would do that.

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#225283 - 05/20/08 08:13 AM Re: Puberty [Re: AndyJB2005]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I didn't go through puberty until 14 1/2 years.

I think a lot of the other boys had already been through it. I kept looking for those telltale hairs.

Finally a saw a few starting. What a relief. I was afraid that this too had been damaged.

Then my first wet dream was kind of sick. I dreamed about the same time as the hair appeared that I was in a boxing ring. I was fighting in succession with 3 adult guys. They beat me up and I was laying on the floor of the boxing ring. My dik turned black and then I had the first wet dream. I was upset.



Edited by pufferfish (05/20/08 11:18 PM)

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#225850 - 05/22/08 06:27 PM Re: Puberty [Re: pufferfish]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Bark,

It seems like many of our parents didnít help us prepare or get through puberty. Iíd imagine many parents falter here, or maybe itís because they failed us on other levels by either allowing the abuse to happen in our young lives or at least in failing to see that it was happening. On that front, who of us survivors would not be able to see the signs in another young child today?

Also, my older perp brother whilst having his way with me also made fun of my smaller (at the time) penis. After he got me to ejaculate the first time and I got so scared about what was happening I thought I was in pain, he simply laughed and told me not to be so stupid.

Again, very anti things to deposit into my mind about puberty and sex. Any wonder Iíve had huge issues with body self image and envying other males who are Ďbetterí than me on the looks front.

Puberty Ė yep. Another source of pain.


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#225885 - 05/22/08 09:41 PM Re: Puberty [Re: Grunty1967b]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
my abuse didn't start until after i already had the hair and the sperm. my abuser shaved it to make me appear younger. the drugs we took prevented me from cumming.


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